Anxiety · Personal · Relationship

Well, Duh

Still feeling a bit off today, but that’s the game of healing I suppose.

I’m sitting in my room with an oil heater on but it’s been an hour and it feels like the cold is still nipping at my toes. Takes forever for it to warm up a room so I might come back later to do some drawing/art.

 

It happened again last night. After he left me on read since 6pm I sent him a message at about 11pm simply saying “goodnight”. I had worked myself up into a real state – and I’m not sure whether that was the reason I couldn’t sleep all night or if it was something else.
Anyway, I picked up my phone again an hour later (cause that’s what I do when I wake up, I need to know the time for some reason) and he’d replied a minute later with “goodnight (nickname)”.

I was even more “wtf” and I sort of vowed that I was done for a bit. I need a break from him and whatever the hell he thinks he is doing (which is probably absolutely nothing but rather he is unaware of how confused and hurt I am which is not his fault) HOWEVER this morning when my parents and I were looking up what day we were born on the Internet I looked up his as well and then sent it to him! As if I have some sort of autopilot inclusive reaction.

 

I think Tesla got it right when he preferred to remain single and celibate so it freed up his mind to work on “more important things.”

The problem is changing 30 years of conditioning that told me my love should be directed at another (or other) person/people. If I could only just direct it at my career (or towards figuring out what that’s going to be) or creating something, or, you know whatever.

You know I think I actually could do that if it wasn’t for this blasted anxiety.

I would love more than anything to go out in the community and help others but to be a volunteer there’s the responsibility to be reliable and dependable, and to not freak out at a moments notice and have to run away.

 

 

On a more positive note I managed to reconnect with some of my family on Facebook. I finally found my Aunty (who is coming to visit in just over a week) and then my cousin added me as a friend right after that.

Usually I am pretty nervous about this sort of thing, because the last time I actually spoke to or saw my cousin was when I was about 7 and, you know, anxiety can be a pain about this sort of thing, but I’m actually really excited to chat to her. It’s the downside of my family being stretched so far and wide around Australia and us growing up in the age just before the Internet. It’s sad to say but we just drifted apart.

Seeing someone like my ex-boyfriend constantly around his family, constantly connected and supported, I just thought – I want that. I’ve had about 10 years of my anxiety pushing me further and further away from others and being with him made me realise that despite me being the kind of person that has to recharge away from others, I do actually enjoy people’s company and connectivity is the cure, in a way, to some aspects of anxiety.

Anxiety is so weird it’s like “stay away from people!” but then when you’re panicking it’s like “no one will help us!”

Well, duh.

 

Personal · Relationship

Common Courtesy

I’m afraid that this is going to be another ex-boyfriend rant, so please look away if you’re not interested. Go and bake a cake or something… incidentally I baked a banana bread today…

 

I’m just sort of getting to that stage now where I’m less and less impressed with the way things are going between us, or I should probably say my feelings are getting more and more hurt.

While I was walking around the trees this afternoon picking up small sticks for the fire I began to wonder what function, if any, I was actually serving in his life. Sure we are not dating but I did (or do, I don’t know) consider us closer than just people who talk often, like close friends.

Our experiences are very different. I’m here on a farm away from city life. I don’t have a job at the moment – my job is basically to do everything my dad would do while he is healing. Hence I don’t get out much (although with anxiety that’s hard in and of itself) and I don’t talk to many people.

He, on the flip side, lives in a city. He goes to work where he basically talks to everyone and he has a sort of air to him that makes you feel comfortable straight away, so he is that guy that everybody loves.

Let me put it this way: I recently became friends with my Aunty on facebook and am now seriously considering becoming friends with my cousin. He has recently become friends with someone he’s been working with now for maybe 2 weeks, and they have already tagged him in a post.

And I just sort of get this feeling of, well, what even is my purpose here? He obviously would have people falling over themselves to help him so should I even bother anymore?

 

It’s also getting to the point now where I’m noticing that our conversations are extremely one-sided. It’s not the fact that when we talk he just goes on and on about himself. No, it’s more to keep the conversation going I am always asking him questions. Sometimes he just leaves me on read and when I say something the next day it’s just, “oh sorry, I thought I replied” Ha. Ha. Ha.

And there’s no feeling either. When my duck passed away I was genuinely upset, just as anyone would be if their dog or cat passed. But there was never any “how are you feeling today?” after the fact. Nor did I get any of that when I was sick with a stomach bug. No “are you feeling better?”

 

I mean I didn’t tolerate friends in the past treating me this way and I wish I no longer wasted my time holding my breath for some kind of consistency.

One minute it’s like it was and the next I’m struggling to understand what’s going on.

Maybe the idea that we’re close is all in my fucking head.

 

I wish I could put my energy into something else other than who or what I care about. Well, I wish there was a little more balance in that respect.

I wish I didn’t have to feel so alone at times in my life. When you’re going through hard times that’s when you need support and love.

When I think back, when I left the city and came back to be with my parents, he just up and abandoned me.

Apparently “sorting my life out” means I also can’t be in a relationship?

Well I’m getting quite angry about this now and I’ll be fucked if I put more effort into this than he is now. I always give my all to the bitter end, but I guess it’s falling upon deaf ears.

Personal

Lost Passion

I’m not entirely sure how long it has been since I wrote about things here. I’m not entirely sure how long I haven’t felt like myself.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been quite sick to the point where I didn’t care much what else was going on. I didn’t bother with Instagram or Facebook, didn’t waste any time online at all. Some days I didn’t even play any games on my phone to pass the day.

It’s amazing what in your life manages to fall away when you’re forced to focus on something like health. All the things you worry about in a general sense don’t really matter and all the things you’re trying to hold onto to save face seem to drift off.

Last night just before drifting off to sleep I was having a sms conversation with my ex. At one point I began to feel bored. The conversation was heavily one sided – me always asking him questions, he never asking me anything – and I was coming to the obvious realisation that he wasn’t going to go out of his way to know who I am or keep me in his life in any real way. It’s like the veil of a lie I’ve been telling myself about how “close” or connection is (or was) is being lifted.

To be honest the only reason I seem to message him all of the time is because we have similar humours and a history, so it’s easy to communicate.

Sexual attraction really messes with my mind.

I’m not entirely sure if I will continue to write here. I’ve been writing about my life for about 6 years now, about art, mental health, spirituality, life, personal matters, but I’m wondering if I could perhaps express myself in a different way?

I don’t know how to really explain how I’m feeling. It’s as if all the things that I used to be or do no longer have any bearing.

Perhaps I’ve just lost the passion to connect the way I have been (through introverted activities) and awaken all the ways I used to express myself when I was a child.

I’ve just shifted, and it’s odd.

Anxiety · life · Personal · relationships

Our Way Of Loving Isn’t Compatible

duckers

I lost my duck.

Not as in, “where did my duck go?” but as in a fox-killed-and-tried-to-carry-away-my- duck, lost my duck.

I was heart broken on Tuesday. It’s one of those moments were you just don’t want to believe your eyes but there it is. My mother thought I’d seriously injured myself, or been bitten by a snake, the way I returned to the house through my tears.

I had some help in letting a lot of my grief go the next day but today it was a little difficult because the other duck (pictured above further away from the camera) was standing at the fence calling out to her, hoping she’d just waddle back up the paddock again.

To be honest, losing Quackers has emphasized even more how important it is to love and be loved now. Not just in the stock-standard way but in the way that makes you feel good about being you.

Everyone loves in different ways, even though the feeling of love is universal.

When I was sitting on the Earth in the garden earlier today, keeping the other duck company, I thought about how much of my life has been spent trying to get people who cannot love me the way I want to be loved, to do just that.

Only, in trying to get them to conform to what I needed, the tables turned into me believe that their way of loving was the right way and maybe I really did need to “toughen up” or that I was “too nice.”

Because they always say “you can’t change other people, only yourself” – but what if you don’t actually need to change yourself. What if you’re not supposed to?

 

This is the way my musings have been leaning lately. Being away from everything, on a farm, in nature, with all of the important things under one roof, is very helpful for reevaluating.

I had an odd conversation with my ex this afternoon – I joked that a girl from work had her sights set on him, it’s obvious when a girl crushes on a guy via social media, and he said, “yeah, she asked me out a few months ago but I said no.” Then, of course, we rehashed that he was focusing on himself anyway, to have a break from all that, and the more times I hear that the less my heart glows for him.

To be clear I wasn’t jealous or fishing for information I was more taken aback by the realisation that hey, he doesn’t share much with me anymore.

He has been fine, it’s got nothing to do with him, it’s just me not putting my boundaries up as usual. He is lucky because he still gets the openhearted, loving version of me however I get the closed-off, friendly version that everyone else gets. It doesn’t make me feel special in anyway, other than when we sext, but afterwards it’s back to closed-off “not a priority” again and my heart doesn’t deserve my constant dragging of her through the metaphorical mud.

None of this is his fault, he has been upfront, the responsibility lies with me to set my boundaries and be true to how my heart feels. We may have a connection, we may have a love between us, but sometimes it might not be right. I should have the balls to say if he is going to treat me as a friend, then a friend is all he will get in return. Not vindictively but truthfully.

 

In the beginning of next month I will be going back to the old city and have asked him if he would like to hang out. He is keen but I am feeling as if I need to make sure he knows how I feel and that it’s highly likely I won’t be physical with him.

I need to stop opting for short-term gratification when I know my happiness lies in long-term compatibility.

I know in my heart I’m ready for love.

 

Happiness · Personal · relationships

Detachment

So I was writing a post earlier today about something that has been bothering me but the more that I seemingly “complained” the heavier I kept feeling.

I say heavier because at the moment I have slipped into another “don’t care” bubble. Not the usual depressive bubble where I’ve felt as though nothing matters or what’s the point, but I just don’t seem to give a shit. It’s not a destructive “not caring” perhaps more of a detachment.

I made some hot chips for lunch and went to sit in the paddock with the chickens. I was enjoying the sun and the sounds of the native, Australian birds, and I thought to myself “maybe it’s good that I don’t care… maybe I could take advantage of this?”

This is on the tail end of my father and I discussing the fact that you can’t see a solution to a problem if you are focused on the problem. What is it Albert Einstein said?

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

Sometimes I think that I create this detachment as a sort of break from caring so much about certain things, especially if those things have a huge impact on my heart.

In these moments of self-detachment I begin to start thinking differently about things because I’m not longer emotionally invested.

 

The thing I was going to write about earlier was to do with relationships, going on and on about how I’m feeling about my ex and how patterns are emerging that remind me of old relationships, and when I sat with the chickens and ate my chips I thought “why don’t I just write about what I do want?”

 

About how I would be excited to meet a man that was genuinely interested in me, what my hopes and dreams are, what my favourite type of cake is, or just wants to discuss random things that we’re both interested in at the same level that I really get to know the man I’m with.

A man who would welcome me with open arms and an open heart, that was balanced in being able to get things done but also at peace with the process of life. That, no matter what was going on, we were there for each other in every way and he never had a wall up to block me out. To share and to create together.

One who accepted me for having my down times and didn’t force me, who knew that if he supports me I’m more likely to be able to move forward. If I was having a down day, or perhaps even week, he would cover me with a blanket on the couch and hunker down with me to watch TV knowing in the back of his mind that once this passed I would be unstoppable in getting things done.

As everyone wants, I would just like to meet someone who sees my true colours, who I really am, and doesn’t want to change it.

And, of course, someone I am physically attracted to because intimacy is a big part of who I am as well.

 

After I write all that I am still feeling detached but it comes as a relief to be honest. Sometimes detachment makes me feel better, makes me feel more in control, or perhaps even powerful. My heart is so big that I can’t handle too much heavy emotion weighing on it.

It’s not really about ignoring the things that are making me feel bad, putting a smile on my face and focusing more on the positive so I can skip around being joyful about everything. That is, of course, a goal of mine but this detachment means that I can step back from something that IS A PROBLEM in my life however I don’t see if that way when I’m emotionally attached to it.

 

 

 

Anxiety · Personal

Where’s My Hat?

Do you think sometimes you have such a hard time being yourself because nothing in the outside world matches the inner you, so you don’t actually know how to be you?

I mean sometimes we can get swept up in the identities of others, or what society tells us we should be, but when we are having those quiet moments and we look at everything we’ve decided to be… I don’t know, does anyone else wonder why half of the stuff they have is in their life?

I do this with clothes shopping sometimes. I walk around with my mum and I buy things but later on I kind of look at it and think, “why did I buy that?”

I knew who I was when I was a kid, then I sort of lost myself for a little while there between the ages of 12 and 16, and after that was when I switched off completely (with my emotions) and even though it wasn’t always right I did actually feel pretty comfortable with the identity I put on.

But that whole identity got old after a while. I didn’t like that I was shut off from myself but also from others. I didn’t think it was a badge of honour to be called “the ice queen” when on the inside I really wanted to be warm and inviting.

Now I’m sort of stuck. I don’t want to go back to that old identity (even though it was the most comfortable) but I don’t really slot into any others.

So I feel like I have to be myself… and yet I don’t know who I am. Sure I can say I’m an artist or musician, or that I’m a daughter, or female, or Australian, you know all that stuff. Although I AM all those things, I don’t know, it’s like they don’t sit right.

My acupuncturist tells me that people wear different hats all the time. For example if you work in a supermarket you put your “customer service” hat on when you’re at work but when you’re at home you’re not going to wear that hat anymore, are you? So you take it off and you put on the “mother” hat or the “I love my 5 cats” hat – you know, whatever floats your hat boat.

I’ve always had trouble with hats. It sort of feels like my hats don’t fit me right. I feel like there’s a hat out there with my name on it but I can’t find it.

Like the person that invented, I don’t know, the car. Nothing like the car was around and then someone thought of it, and then they get to wear the “I thought of a car” hat.

It sort of feels like that, except less cars.

I guess this ties in with my post about searching for an individual artist style too. Perhaps the two are linked? Maybe searching for either will help me find the other?

 

In other news I’ve just been helping my father around the farm, getting lovely bunches of flowers from my mother, and feeling as if I’m not even on the planet. I’m sleeping maybe a touch better but not as deeply or as restful as I seem to need.

My ex and I are still chatting here and there. He is moving, working and family-ing and manages to chat with me in between which is nice of him. Without that conversation my phone is deathly quiet and I’m starting to feel rather cut off and distant from the world and social life.

I think I might go have a shower. Perhaps that “a ha!” moment will happen.

Anxiety · Happiness · life · Personal · relationships

Sometimes It’s Hard To Be Diplomatic With Friends

Lately things for me having been not so easy; not terrible, just not easy. My overall health is up, then down, then UP, then DOWN, and may father’s health has sort of been the same. I have a friend that is not doing so great with her mental health and my father’s mother’s dementia is getting worse and worse – so phone calls are pretty intense for him.

This is all not helped by the progressive lack of sleep I’m getting…

So for me, right now, at this present time in my life, I am going out of my way to avoid anything that doesn’t lift my spirits.

In fact, I think that is one of the reasons why I’m still chatting away with my ex. He is the kind of person that makes people laugh and smile just by laughing and smiling himself.

One of my close friends, who’s been there with me for a long time, has started to become a little too negative. He is not a negative person but it seems as though every time I’ve had a conversation with him lately it had a tinge of bad.

At the moment I’m not strong enough to carry any empathetic weight, especially with lack of sleep, I’m finding it difficult enough not to go off at my parents for absolutely no reason other than I feel like *beep*.

A few nights ago I had a great, friendly conversation with my ex and I was feeling happier. Then, since I was in a better mood, I decided to check up on this friend only to have him tell me all these things that had gone wrong not just with him, but also around him, with people I don’t even know.

Well I just had to put my phone down. I’d completely lost my happiness mojo, just like that.

Again, not trying to be a bitch here. Ordinarily I would talk things through with him but I honestly just don’t have the reserves.

Anyway, rather than piss and moan about it, I decided to just approach it like an adult. Was honest and told him last night that I thought his mood had nose dived a lot lately and I wasn’t sure whether or not that was just because he was offloading onto me. I suggested that maybe the whole “share house” situation he was in, while good to save money in hopes of getting your own place or whatever you might be saving for, was not helping with HIS mental well-being.

He agreed and admitted to me that I only get to hear the worst parts because I’m one of his best friends.

But I asserted my boundaries and told him that I couldn’t be there for him in every instance – not forever and ever, just for the meantime.

He sort of misunderstood what it was I was saying, taking it a bit personally and saying “I didn’t realise it was all the time” which I had to clear up to say I didn’t think he was being negative ALL the time, but he was just dumping all of his negativity onto ME all the time. I mean if I’m one of only a few he can talk to about stuff, and I’m almost always available to chat, then I’m probably going to be on the receiving end of most of it.

Besides it wasn’t actually even about him. People have problems/troubles in their lives and they go to their friends for help. It’s a normal thing to do. It’s just not a good time for me and sometimes I do need a rest from taking things on board, especially when I’m struggling a bit with my own stuff.

 

I hope I was as diplomatic as possible with it. He sent me a picture of a dancing lemur through instagram this morning so I suppose all is okay.