Anxiety · Personal

Where’s My Hat?

Do you think sometimes you have such a hard time being yourself because nothing in the outside world matches the inner you, so you don’t actually know how to be you?

I mean sometimes we can get swept up in the identities of others, or what society tells us we should be, but when we are having those quiet moments and we look at everything we’ve decided to be… I don’t know, does anyone else wonder why half of the stuff they have is in their life?

I do this with clothes shopping sometimes. I walk around with my mum and I buy things but later on I kind of look at it and think, “why did I buy that?”

I knew who I was when I was a kid, then I sort of lost myself for a little while there between the ages of 12 and 16, and after that was when I switched off completely (with my emotions) and even though it wasn’t always right I did actually feel pretty comfortable with the identity I put on.

But that whole identity got old after a while. I didn’t like that I was shut off from myself but also from others. I didn’t think it was a badge of honour to be called “the ice queen” when on the inside I really wanted to be warm and inviting.

Now I’m sort of stuck. I don’t want to go back to that old identity (even though it was the most comfortable) but I don’t really slot into any others.

So I feel like I have to be myself… and yet I don’t know who I am. Sure I can say I’m an artist or musician, or that I’m a daughter, or female, or Australian, you know all that stuff. Although I AM all those things, I don’t know, it’s like they don’t sit right.

My acupuncturist tells me that people wear different hats all the time. For example if you work in a supermarket you put your “customer service” hat on when you’re at work but when you’re at home you’re not going to wear that hat anymore, are you? So you take it off and you put on the “mother” hat or the “I love my 5 cats” hat – you know, whatever floats your hat boat.

I’ve always had trouble with hats. It sort of feels like my hats don’t fit me right. I feel like there’s a hat out there with my name on it but I can’t find it.

Like the person that invented, I don’t know, the car. Nothing like the car was around and then someone thought of it, and then they get to wear the “I thought of a car” hat.

It sort of feels like that, except less cars.

I guess this ties in with my post about searching for an individual artist style too. Perhaps the two are linked? Maybe searching for either will help me find the other?

 

In other news I’ve just been helping my father around the farm, getting lovely bunches of flowers from my mother, and feeling as if I’m not even on the planet. I’m sleeping maybe a touch better but not as deeply or as restful as I seem to need.

My ex and I are still chatting here and there. He is moving, working and family-ing and manages to chat with me in between which is nice of him. Without that conversation my phone is deathly quiet and I’m starting to feel rather cut off and distant from the world and social life.

I think I might go have a shower. Perhaps that “a ha!” moment will happen.

Anxiety · Happiness · life · Personal · relationships

Sometimes It’s Hard To Be Diplomatic With Friends

Lately things for me having been not so easy; not terrible, just not easy. My overall health is up, then down, then UP, then DOWN, and may father’s health has sort of been the same. I have a friend that is not doing so great with her mental health and my father’s mother’s dementia is getting worse and worse – so phone calls are pretty intense for him.

This is all not helped by the progressive lack of sleep I’m getting…

So for me, right now, at this present time in my life, I am going out of my way to avoid anything that doesn’t lift my spirits.

In fact, I think that is one of the reasons why I’m still chatting away with my ex. He is the kind of person that makes people laugh and smile just by laughing and smiling himself.

One of my close friends, who’s been there with me for a long time, has started to become a little too negative. He is not a negative person but it seems as though every time I’ve had a conversation with him lately it had a tinge of bad.

At the moment I’m not strong enough to carry any empathetic weight, especially with lack of sleep, I’m finding it difficult enough not to go off at my parents for absolutely no reason other than I feel like *beep*.

A few nights ago I had a great, friendly conversation with my ex and I was feeling happier. Then, since I was in a better mood, I decided to check up on this friend only to have him tell me all these things that had gone wrong not just with him, but also around him, with people I don’t even know.

Well I just had to put my phone down. I’d completely lost my happiness mojo, just like that.

Again, not trying to be a bitch here. Ordinarily I would talk things through with him but I honestly just don’t have the reserves.

Anyway, rather than piss and moan about it, I decided to just approach it like an adult. Was honest and told him last night that I thought his mood had nose dived a lot lately and I wasn’t sure whether or not that was just because he was offloading onto me. I suggested that maybe the whole “share house” situation he was in, while good to save money in hopes of getting your own place or whatever you might be saving for, was not helping with HIS mental well-being.

He agreed and admitted to me that I only get to hear the worst parts because I’m one of his best friends.

But I asserted my boundaries and told him that I couldn’t be there for him in every instance – not forever and ever, just for the meantime.

He sort of misunderstood what it was I was saying, taking it a bit personally and saying “I didn’t realise it was all the time” which I had to clear up to say I didn’t think he was being negative ALL the time, but he was just dumping all of his negativity onto ME all the time. I mean if I’m one of only a few he can talk to about stuff, and I’m almost always available to chat, then I’m probably going to be on the receiving end of most of it.

Besides it wasn’t actually even about him. People have problems/troubles in their lives and they go to their friends for help. It’s a normal thing to do. It’s just not a good time for me and sometimes I do need a rest from taking things on board, especially when I’m struggling a bit with my own stuff.

 

I hope I was as diplomatic as possible with it. He sent me a picture of a dancing lemur through instagram this morning so I suppose all is okay.

 

 

 

Art · Personal

Style

From what I’ve seen of painters and art is that when an artist comes into their own unique “style” it’s as if they become their art. They go to sleep thinking about their work, they wake up in the morning filled with new ideas and jump straight into it and it seems as though they wouldn’t know their life if it wasn’t for the art in it.

Well, I think I am still waiting for my style.

What I am “good at” is realistic styled drawing.

For example the rose at the top of my page is what I drew for my mother a year or so ago:

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It’s unfinished in this picture but you get the idea.

However when I close my eyes and see the ideas in my mind of what I want to create I just think to myself how on earth am I going to get that out of my head and onto a canvas/page? With my super-realistic style abilities I am just amiss to interpret what I see.

Sometimes these ideas are so fleeting that even if I could manage it the reference has already gone. It’s a pity that we can’t take pictures of things in our minds.

I keep wondering what I should do and I also keep amassing copious art supplies to help, but every time I start to get experimental it just doesn’t feel right and I end up with a mess on a canvas.

I just haven’t found the right way of expressing myself yet. I know some people just throw paint at a canvas and that’s the way they can understand themselves and/or their world, or some people (my father included) just sits down with a canvas, starts drawing and whatever comes out, comes out.

Some people plan a work out for weeks or even months and some people can just belt something out in a few hours, but as long as they know their style it’s a relatively easy process, no matter how long it takes.

I don’t know why my inner artist has to be such a perfectionist. While I am amazed at what I can create, the realistic drawings don’t really have much emotion behind them. I see my creation but it doesn’t mean anything.

I really hope that one day I’m able to show other people what I can see just as other artists before me have done. I hope one day I can find my style and I can’t stop myself each and every day bringing my visions to life.

I hope one day I can just get it all out.

 

 

 

Happiness · Health · Personal · relationships

He’s Back

On Saturday night I had a real pang of feeling lonely. Not alone, because I’m perfectly okay with that, but I suddenly just felt really isolated.

One of my exes (the one I referred to as my partner in a lot of the old posts on here) asked if he could visit with his wife (yes, he is already married) and I agreed. I am honestly one-hundred-per-cent happy for him and at this point would welcome any sort of visit to break up my days.

But the whole thing ushered in feelings of sadness. As in, “someone come and hold me right now.” The kind where you miss physical contact of a loved one.

Prior to this sudden feeling of loss I’ve done pretty well over the last three weeks. My current ex stopped chatting with me, I stopped chatting with him. It took a couple of days but soon enough I sort of didn’t really notice. In fact, it’s as if I’ve come to terms with it all now and I’m pretty much enjoying looking after myself and being single.

Well perhaps his radar went off, or maybe I was picking up on his loneliness, I don’t know but later that night (or should I say early Sunday morning) I received a message from my ex. It was short. It said simply: “Woman I hope you’re doing ok” with a smiley face.

I’m not going to get into the words he used because I could be here forever on that but I was surprised because I sincerely thought he was finished with me or that, perhaps, he had met someone else to “have fun with” and felt awkward continuing things with me.

It went from me sending him messages three weeks ago and him not even bothering to continue a conversation to us starting some back and forth two days ago and even him sending me follow up messages if he gave a short response to elaborated more. We’re still talking as if we never stopped and nobody has addressed why we stopped in the first place – I think we both must feel there’s no need.

However he is still the same old ex. Still keeping his emotions very close to his chest, still pretending he doesn’t care about things when we both know he does, and being somewhat negative about certain things and believing I’m not pushing myself.

For example, I mentioned a time at work where we made out in what was essentially a very public space and he laughed and said he remembered that. Then, his next message was something we didn’t do and proceeded to say “not cool.”

In these sort of situations in the past I have, I supposed, wanted to reassure him or defend myself but this time I called him a Negative Nancy and said “boo-fucking-ho.”

Look I’m not saying that I don’t love him anymore, or that I don’t care about him, but it’s more the fact that my self-esteem and self-worth are pretty high up at the moment and I’m not going to a) apologise for the past, and/or b) apologise for a mental health condition I have no control over (at times.)

It’s that age old saying “I love you but I love me more” and if I’m able to love him for everything that he is including all the not-so-good stuff then he needs to learn how to do the same for me or there is no future here.

 

In other news I brought some new-beaut paint pens! They are giant pens with acrylic paint in them! The future is now!

Sometimes I have a really great idea for a painting in my mind but with the tools I have in regard to acrylic paints and paintbrushes it’s as if I won’t be able to convey it. Sometimes I just need extra control that a paintbrush can’t offer or as if I have to be holding a pencil to get the idea down – so when I saw these online I decided to splurge $100 to try them. They could be REALLY handy for minute detail that I’ve always wanted to put into paintings but was unable to do.

I should really whip out a canvas and try out all the cool art supplies I’ve brought over the past few months.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Personal

Don’t Give Me “That” Look

I’m someone that dreams vividly so it’s no surprise to me that I can wake up in a “mood” from something Ive had a dream about (it was how my subconscious convinced me it was a super idea to hook up with my now ex) and a few days ago I woke up from one feeling very annoyed and a bit aggressive.

I could be wrong, I can’t quite remember, but I’m not usually aggressive in my dreams. I mean, if dreams are a reflection of your life then of course I’m not going to be angry. Usually I am a bit mousey, shy and generally introverted even when I’m dealing with threats – but it seemed like my subconscious had sort of cracked it.

The dream itself wasn’t unusual. I was with my parents visiting somewhere and I had a person tagging along with me. I didn’t know her, as in it wasn’t anyone I’d met in my life, but I think she was showing us around the town.

So, to get to the point, in the dream the girl asked me if I wanted to come and stay with her for a night or two. However, in my waking life, I still don’t feel strong enough to do certain things and it translates to my dreams. I said to her, “thanks for the offer but I’m still not ready to do that.”

What came next was, what I think, an amalgamation of all the times someone I loved in my life gave me THAT look. You know the one I’m talking about? That hurt/disappointed look? The one that just breaks your heart when someone judges or blames you for something you can’t change (or at least in my case, something I have TRIED to change for 10 years but haven’t been able to.)

Well, I just fucking lost it. I can’t remember exactly what I screamed back at her but I gather it was all the repressed feelings I think I’ve had about the whole anxiety/panic situation – but, to be more specific, the way I’ve been treated throughout.

It’s always that fucking look. I’ve had it from family, boyfriends, friends, co-workers, managers, bosses, strangers and now random figure constructions in my dreams.

And I’m soooooo very tired of it.

I really cannot say this enough, I’m just over it.

As if I don’t feel bad enough AS IT IS that I have to deny myself things, I have to now deal with the guilt you’re raining down on me?

Yeah, no thanks.

And I won’t even get into the hypocrisy of some people and their judgements…

From now on if someone doesn’t take the time to get to know me – or more specifically what is underneath the anxiety – to get to know what it is I have to deal with every day, and doesn’t celebrate everything I have done and/or in the process of doing for myself, then honestly, I just can’t be bothered with them anymore.

I grant you that not everyone has experienced it and just won’t understand.

That’s okay. They don’t have to.

All I really need are people that don’t give me “that” look.

 

Happiness · Personal · relationships

Healing Hearts (And Pinching Nipples Too, It Would Seem)

So, I was surprised yesterday by something I found out. Well surprised probably isn’t the right word… more like interested.

It turns out Venus went retrograde. I didn’t even know that other planets went retrograde besides Mercury but I suppose it’s the one that does it most often? I don’t know, I’m not an astrologer.

Anyway, “retrograde” is just a fancy term for the planet appearing to move backwards in the night sky. It’s not really doing that because, if it went backwards on it’s orbit around the sun, all scientists would be like “OMG!” (paraphrasing.)

I was intrigued because lately I’d been weighing up my ex, and Venus being the planet of loooove (and other stuff), I was like, “well, maybe this is why I’m thinking about relationships so much now?”

The article I read (that was very EASY to read, like “Astrology for dummies”, so thank you article writer) said: “…this retrograde may upend preconceived notions about your love life. With that may come a newfound attraction to someone you never considered to be a romantic prospect or a revelation about your current relationship.”

Let’s read on…

“…take this opportunity to show ourselves the love we normally give others. This might be the right move to make if you have any serious exes waiting in the wings.”

Hmm…

image

“If you know it’s a bad idea to reconnect with your ex, draw a bath and show yourself some self-love instead. Once the retrograde lifts on April 15, the relief you feel will outshine the excitement of succumbing to a perilous stroll down memory lane.”

We can all make our own conclusions but I just thought it was really odd I was doing all this only to find out the planets were perhaps encouraging it?

“Reflect on your past relationships and think about what went wrong — what red flags appeared before the breakup that are only recognizable in hindsight? Use those lessons to inform any decisions you make with a new or potential partner during the retrograde.”

I’m also interested as to why, when I typed intrigued into Google search this image turned up…

22481fb

 

Mooooving on…

I assume my ex is doing the same thing I am, weighing me up, because he stopped talking to me right in the lead up to Venus retrograde. I thought that perhaps it was best for us to work through things together (that’s the way I’ve done it with all my other exes) but it seems that in this case it’s more appropriate to separate. I’m not just deciding if there could be a future between us but, like the article said, I’m actually redefining what a romantic partnership means to me.

 

One pattern I would like to give up is being attracted to men whom have had their hearts broken badly by someone they’ve really loved. Although it’s been a nice experience to help pick up all the pieces and show them love again, I’m done with that now.

Another would be my habit of taking over the role of giving in a relationship. It should be reciprocal. I think in order for my huge heart to be balanced it needs another huge heart to bounce off of.

Thirdly, no more falling in love with someones POTENTIAL. It’s nice to be aware of what a man is capable of but I need to also be aware and grounded in who he is NOW and if who I am NOW and who he is NOW mesh.

 

I just have to realise that short-term gratification will not equate to long-term happiness, which is how I think my gut feels about my most recent ex. We have a strong physical and emotional connection but that doesn’t always translate to a partnership.

He did also say, however, months ago that it was best for us to work on our own things. Sometimes he gives a vibe of being completely superficial and surface level and then other times he is spot on with intuition.

 

 

Either way I have a heart to heal.

 

 

P.S If I’m to be fair about all this I think I’m lumping everything in with my ex because it wasn’t just him that I lost. It was my job of 6 years that had become a part of my identity. It was my independence I’d finally gained after so long without it. It was the new friends I was beginning to make, the new life I was trying to set up. He was the last connection to all of that, and now he is vanishing too.

 

Happiness · Personal · relationships

I’ve Managed To Jump The Hurdle

I did some healing this week in regard to my heart and romance, and weirdly I feel free. I went from attached to my ex to, nope, don’t feel much now.

I don’t mean that in a bad way. I still care about him and am genuinely interested in how he’s doing, but I’m no longer thinking constantly about him or about everything to do with the metaphorical “us.”

When I see he is online I just go about my business as if he was just a friend who is online. Do I care if he says anything to me today? Nope; just like I’m not agonising over the fact that one of my good girl friends hasn’t messaged me back after a couple of days. I am well aware of it but I’m not walking around all day wondering if she likes me anymore or what our future holds.

I like this. I can start to focus on exactly what I do want in a romantic partnership without baggage or history. I’m looking forward to my next chapter now. I’m looking forward to the surprise. I’m looking forward to knowing exactly who I am and what I want. I’m looking forward to the man who sees absolutely everything I am and connects completely to that with no fear. Nothing superficial, no bullshit; just two strong, independent souls coming together to make their lives richer in joy and love.

I’m not there yet.

Still got a little more work to go with me and getting to that place of strength deep inside.

But it sure is nice to daydream…

 

Oh, and my dad didn’t even notice that day when we got a new fridge until I asked him to get the tomato sauce out and he was like, “this doesn’t look right!” It was amusing.