Anxiety · Happiness · Personal


“…And remember that comparing your reality to other people‚Äôs causes much unnecessary stress.”

From Creative Numerology on WordPress.

It’s an easy thing to forget, isn’t it? Especially these days with social media and media in general bombarding us constantly of what others are doing with their lives. I’m not saying it’s a good or a bad thing – it’s just a “thing” in our society now.

I like the ability of being able to see what my friends or random strangers are getting up to. If you take it in the right light then it can be motivation or encouragement; give us ideas of how to expand our own experience.

Difficulties make comparing our lives to other’s pretty much a given. It takes a strong nerve not to do it. It’s universal.


The quote is right. It does cause unnecessary stress.

Sometimes the only way I get through my trials is by believing that eventually my life will become what I’ve always seen it as in my mind.

Sometimes, when I’m going through those trials I have to disconnect myself from others even if their messages are positive because I’m in no state to receive.

I step back because everything is relative and I don’t want to put pressure on myself to force anything.

Inside I believe you know when the time is right and when you’re still in your cocoon becoming the butterfly. If you’re still cocooning then take everything you see others doing with a grain of salt. Not in the sense that it’s not real, or it’s faked, but with the sense of knowing that one day you’ll be living up to your true potential.


Enjoy the reality of others and respect where you’re at. That’s all I can really say. I know how hard it is, believe me.



Today on the farm was cold and windy. I went through another level of healing that was draining and I know I’m still not out the other side yet but I’ll sleep off what I’ve done and try to face the next stage tomorrow.

The animals were in bed by 2pm and my bird Sandy continued to sit on her eggs.


Anxiety · Happiness · Personal · relationships

In Bed By 9 O’Clock

Just as the title suggest I’m snuggled up in bed with my ear plugs in and my hot water bottles burning, like one of those bugs in a rug people are always going on about, at 9pm on a Saturday night.

It’s not unusual for me not to have plans on a weekend but I’m usually still up with my parents watching TV and talking rubbish.

I sort of just got this urge to be on my own and rest. I can be on my own in my room but I didn’t even feel like going online or drawing like I have done the past couple of days. It just seemed like a great idea to get under the covers and play a few games on my phone, then slowly drift off to sleep.


Today was very productive. I finally got around to cleaning up the front room in my parents house. It turned into a dumping ground for all my stuff when I moved back home, and with the birds often sitting out there too they made one hell of a mess (guys, birds are fucking messy pets, but they’re worth it.)

If there’s one thing I love doing it’s cleaning up and being able to see the difference. It’s relaxing and soothing for me, and I’ve heard it can be for others with anxiety too.

My father is feeling better and my mother baked cookies for us today. I spent some time with the chooks outside inbetween busting my butt and the sun was gorgeous and warm. One of those perfect Autumn days.


My close friend messaged me about being dumped by a girl. I wasn’t even aware he was seeing anyone. I suppose that was part of the reasoning though. He said that they were just being casual about it and all of a sudden she turned around and accused him of not being serious enough.

In reality they just didn’t really have time for each other and it sort of just wasn’t going anywhere.

i told him that with the right girl it’s going to be really super easy, it won’t matter about labels or time or money or anything. You’ll just be so into each other everything else won’t matter.


My ex has gone away for the weekend with friends and their kids. I sent him a message wishing them well and I’m just going to leave it at that.

To be honest all that talk with my close friend made me remember just how simple it was with my ex and trying to figure out what happened, but he can’t put his finger on it either. He blames his past relationship but if that was the case he would never have opened up to me in the first place.

Plus if it was a case of two people just not fitting or being able to work out we still wouldn’t be bothering. We wouldn’t still be calling each other by the nicknames we somehow acquired or talking about sexual things either.

Sometimes shit just happens and we don’t know why.

But I am very happy where I ended up. Waking with my family every day. Being able to help them out while both they and I recover. No stress. No pressure.

It’s the little things in life. Not a doubt in my mind.

Anxiety · Personal · relationships

Peace Of Mind

Today here, on the farm, was just another uneventful day in relation to what others are probably out there doing. Just to be clear I’m not comparing in any sort of negative way, it was just pretty straight forward.

From somewhere or another I had quite a bit of energy. I washed the dishes when I got up, let the animals out, bugged my birds, got firewood, made apple muffins, and promptly wore myself out. Lit the fire, looked after my parents with teas and hot water bottles, and now I’m in my room feeling like I want to draw again.


My ex was overly friendly again but it seems as though he’s thinking with a part of his male anatomy. I hope that’s not the reasoning behind his turn around in attention but it’s looking pretty likely, isn’t it?

I don’t really mind at the moment because I’m in a good mood. I’m not actually all that aroused by his talk though. I’m dealing with my own stuff here and I’m starting to align more with my integrity and needs. It has to be more than just sex for me and while I know we seem to have some sort of connection, that’s not really going to cut it for me anymore.

But I’m not going to be premature about this. It’s not overly important at the moment, my health and peace of mind is.


I can’t believe it’s already close to being the end of another month. At least at the end of this month my mother will know, after a year, how her brain is going and if any tumor came back. I’ll also get to see my auntie whom I haven’t seen since I was about 10 or so.

I tried to message my cousin but for some reason the message isn’t going through. I’ve sent a message to my aunt to see if my cousin uses the app, so we’ll just see what happens.

I had a look at my cousins pictures on Facebook and it looks like she’s quite the drawer/artist too. There has to be a gene for it hahaha but something tells me we’re going to have a LOT in common.




Anxiety · Health · Personal · relationships

Hot And Cold

I managed to do a little bit of drawing last night, nothing planned, no goals or anything, just picked something a drew it.

I decided to draw a dragon head again – I used a goat’s head as a reference because the two are very similar, what with the horns and everything, and I tried to make it all vicious but it just turned into a very sweet looking, wise lady dragon.


I wasn’t feeling as energetic today. I let the chickens and duck out for a while but it was windy and cold, so I just collected some wood and dragged myself around the house.

It was just one of those days to spend inside. At the moment days just blend into each other. Tonight I was going to do some more drawing but I’m not feeling up to it, I had a shower instead. But why not do both you might ask. Some days I only have energy enough for one. Hahaha.


Today was an “up” day in regard to my ex-boyfriend. Even I was surprised. He must have woken up on the right side of the bed. That song sung by Katy Perry, what is it? Hot and Cold? I never met anyone who filled that song’s shoes more than him at the moment.


My friend’s housemate almost burned their rental down. He tried to cook something but then decided to go out and left oil in the pan on the stove. Thankfully my friend got home a quarter of an hour earlier than when he had planned and caught the fire before it spread too much.

I do honestly wonder what happens in these people’s minds. He must have had a lot on his mind.


So that’s it for today. I’ve settled in with my parents to watch The Spy Who Loved or something like that and little Monkey perked on top of my laptop. Little Sandy has made herself a little nesting place and so she’s busy with that.


Anxiety · Personal · Relationship

Well, Duh

Still feeling a bit off today, but that’s the game of healing I suppose.

I’m sitting in my room with an oil heater on but it’s been an hour and it feels like the cold is still nipping at my toes. Takes forever for it to warm up a room so I might come back later to do some drawing/art.


It happened again last night. After he left me on read since 6pm I sent him a message at about 11pm simply saying “goodnight”. I had worked myself up into a real state – and I’m not sure whether that was the reason I couldn’t sleep all night or if it was something else.
Anyway, I picked up my phone again an hour later (cause that’s what I do when I wake up, I need to know the time for some reason) and he’d replied a minute later with “goodnight (nickname)”.

I was even more “wtf” and I sort of vowed that I was done for a bit. I need a break from him and whatever the hell he thinks he is doing (which is probably absolutely nothing but rather he is unaware of how confused and hurt I am which is not his fault) HOWEVER this morning when my parents and I were looking up what day we were born on the Internet I looked up his as well and then sent it to him! As if I have some sort of autopilot inclusive reaction.


I think Tesla got it right when he preferred to remain single and celibate so it freed up his mind to work on “more important things.”

The problem is changing 30 years of conditioning that told me my love should be directed at another (or other) person/people. If I could only just direct it at my career (or towards figuring out what that’s going to be) or creating something, or, you know whatever.

You know I think I actually could do that if it wasn’t for this blasted anxiety.

I would love more than anything to go out in the community and help others but to be a volunteer there’s the responsibility to be reliable and dependable, and to not freak out at a moments notice and have to run away.



On a more positive note I managed to reconnect with some of my family on Facebook. I finally found my Aunty (who is coming to visit in just over a week) and then my cousin added me as a friend right after that.

Usually I am pretty nervous about this sort of thing, because the last time I actually spoke to or saw my cousin was when I was about 7 and, you know, anxiety can be a pain about this sort of thing, but I’m actually really excited to chat to her. It’s the downside of my family being stretched so far and wide around Australia and us growing up in the age just before the Internet. It’s sad to say but we just drifted apart.

Seeing someone like my ex-boyfriend constantly around his family, constantly connected and supported, I just thought – I want that. I’ve had about 10 years of my anxiety pushing me further and further away from others and being with him made me realise that despite me being the kind of person that has to recharge away from others, I do actually enjoy people’s company and connectivity is the cure, in a way, to some aspects of anxiety.

Anxiety is so weird it’s like “stay away from people!” but then when you’re panicking it’s like “no one will help us!”

Well, duh.


Personal · Relationship

Common Courtesy

I’m afraid that this is going to be another ex-boyfriend rant, so please look away if you’re not interested. Go and bake a cake or something… incidentally I baked a banana bread today…


I’m just sort of getting to that stage now where I’m less and less impressed with the way things are going between us, or I should probably say my feelings are getting more and more hurt.

While I was walking around the trees this afternoon picking up small sticks for the fire I began to wonder what function, if any, I was actually serving in his life. Sure we are not dating but I did (or do, I don’t know) consider us closer than just people who talk often, like close friends.

Our experiences are very different. I’m here on a farm away from city life. I don’t have a job at the moment – my job is basically to do everything my dad would do while he is healing. Hence I don’t get out much (although with anxiety that’s hard in and of itself) and I don’t talk to many people.

He, on the flip side, lives in a city. He goes to work where he basically talks to everyone and he has a sort of air to him that makes you feel comfortable straight away, so he is that guy that everybody loves.

Let me put it this way: I recently became friends with my Aunty on facebook and am now seriously considering becoming friends with my cousin. He has recently become friends with someone he’s been working with now for maybe 2 weeks, and they have already tagged him in a post.

And I just sort of get this feeling of, well, what even is my purpose here? He obviously would have people falling over themselves to help him so should I even bother anymore?


It’s also getting to the point now where I’m noticing that our conversations are extremely one-sided. It’s not the fact that when we talk he just goes on and on about himself. No, it’s more to keep the conversation going I am always asking him questions. Sometimes he just leaves me on read and when I say something the next day it’s just, “oh sorry, I thought I replied” Ha. Ha. Ha.

And there’s no feeling either. When my duck passed away I was genuinely upset, just as anyone would be if their dog or cat passed. But there was never any “how are you feeling today?” after the fact. Nor did I get any of that when I was sick with a stomach bug. No “are you feeling better?”


I mean I didn’t tolerate friends in the past treating me this way and I wish I no longer wasted my time holding my breath for some kind of consistency.

One minute it’s like it was and the next I’m struggling to understand what’s going on.

Maybe the idea that we’re close is all in my fucking head.


I wish I could put my energy into something else other than who or what I care about. Well, I wish there was a little more balance in that respect.

I wish I didn’t have to feel so alone at times in my life. When you’re going through hard times that’s when you need support and love.

When I think back, when I left the city and came back to be with my parents, he just up and abandoned me.

Apparently “sorting my life out” means I also can’t be in a relationship?

Well I’m getting quite angry about this now and I’ll be fucked if I put more effort into this than he is now. I always give my all to the bitter end, but I guess it’s falling upon deaf ears.


Lost Passion

I’m not entirely sure how long it has been since I wrote about things here. I’m not entirely sure how long I haven’t felt like myself.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been quite sick to the point where I didn’t care much what else was going on. I didn’t bother with Instagram or Facebook, didn’t waste any time online at all. Some days I didn’t even play any games on my phone to pass the day.

It’s amazing what in your life manages to fall away when you’re forced to focus on something like health. All the things you worry about in a general sense don’t really matter and all the things you’re trying to hold onto to save face seem to drift off.

Last night just before drifting off to sleep I was having a sms conversation with my ex. At one point I began to feel bored. The conversation was heavily one sided – me always asking him questions, he never asking me anything – and I was coming to the obvious realisation that he wasn’t going to go out of his way to know who I am or keep me in his life in any real way. It’s like the veil of a lie I’ve been telling myself about how “close” or connection is (or was) is being lifted.

To be honest the only reason I seem to message him all of the time is because we have similar humours and a history, so it’s easy to communicate.

Sexual attraction really messes with my mind.

I’m not entirely sure if I will continue to write here. I’ve been writing about my life for about 6 years now, about art, mental health, spirituality, life, personal matters, but I’m wondering if I could perhaps express myself in a different way?

I don’t know how to really explain how I’m feeling. It’s as if all the things that I used to be or do no longer have any bearing.

Perhaps I’ve just lost the passion to connect the way I have been (through introverted activities) and awaken all the ways I used to express myself when I was a child.

I’ve just shifted, and it’s odd.