Anxiety · Happiness · Personal

Reality

“…And remember that comparing your reality to other people‚Äôs causes much unnecessary stress.”

From Creative Numerology on WordPress.

It’s an easy thing to forget, isn’t it? Especially these days with social media and media in general bombarding us constantly of what others are doing with their lives. I’m not saying it’s a good or a bad thing – it’s just a “thing” in our society now.

I like the ability of being able to see what my friends or random strangers are getting up to. If you take it in the right light then it can be motivation or encouragement; give us ideas of how to expand our own experience.

Difficulties make comparing our lives to other’s pretty much a given. It takes a strong nerve not to do it. It’s universal.

 

The quote is right. It does cause unnecessary stress.

Sometimes the only way I get through my trials is by believing that eventually my life will become what I’ve always seen it as in my mind.

Sometimes, when I’m going through those trials I have to disconnect myself from others even if their messages are positive because I’m in no state to receive.

I step back because everything is relative and I don’t want to put pressure on myself to force anything.

Inside I believe you know when the time is right and when you’re still in your cocoon becoming the butterfly. If you’re still cocooning then take everything you see others doing with a grain of salt. Not in the sense that it’s not real, or it’s faked, but with the sense of knowing that one day you’ll be living up to your true potential.

 

Enjoy the reality of others and respect where you’re at. That’s all I can really say. I know how hard it is, believe me.

 

 

Today on the farm was cold and windy. I went through another level of healing that was draining and I know I’m still not out the other side yet but I’ll sleep off what I’ve done and try to face the next stage tomorrow.

The animals were in bed by 2pm and my bird Sandy continued to sit on her eggs.

 

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Anxiety · Happiness · Personal · relationships

In Bed By 9 O’Clock

Just as the title suggest I’m snuggled up in bed with my ear plugs in and my hot water bottles burning, like one of those bugs in a rug people are always going on about, at 9pm on a Saturday night.

It’s not unusual for me not to have plans on a weekend but I’m usually still up with my parents watching TV and talking rubbish.

I sort of just got this urge to be on my own and rest. I can be on my own in my room but I didn’t even feel like going online or drawing like I have done the past couple of days. It just seemed like a great idea to get under the covers and play a few games on my phone, then slowly drift off to sleep.

 

Today was very productive. I finally got around to cleaning up the front room in my parents house. It turned into a dumping ground for all my stuff when I moved back home, and with the birds often sitting out there too they made one hell of a mess (guys, birds are fucking messy pets, but they’re worth it.)

If there’s one thing I love doing it’s cleaning up and being able to see the difference. It’s relaxing and soothing for me, and I’ve heard it can be for others with anxiety too.

My father is feeling better and my mother baked cookies for us today. I spent some time with the chooks outside inbetween busting my butt and the sun was gorgeous and warm. One of those perfect Autumn days.

 

My close friend messaged me about being dumped by a girl. I wasn’t even aware he was seeing anyone. I suppose that was part of the reasoning though. He said that they were just being casual about it and all of a sudden she turned around and accused him of not being serious enough.

In reality they just didn’t really have time for each other and it sort of just wasn’t going anywhere.

i told him that with the right girl it’s going to be really super easy, it won’t matter about labels or time or money or anything. You’ll just be so into each other everything else won’t matter.

 

My ex has gone away for the weekend with friends and their kids. I sent him a message wishing them well and I’m just going to leave it at that.

To be honest all that talk with my close friend made me remember just how simple it was with my ex and trying to figure out what happened, but he can’t put his finger on it either. He blames his past relationship but if that was the case he would never have opened up to me in the first place.

Plus if it was a case of two people just not fitting or being able to work out we still wouldn’t be bothering. We wouldn’t still be calling each other by the nicknames we somehow acquired or talking about sexual things either.

Sometimes shit just happens and we don’t know why.

But I am very happy where I ended up. Waking with my family every day. Being able to help them out while both they and I recover. No stress. No pressure.

It’s the little things in life. Not a doubt in my mind.

Anxiety · Personal · relationships

Peace Of Mind

Today here, on the farm, was just another uneventful day in relation to what others are probably out there doing. Just to be clear I’m not comparing in any sort of negative way, it was just pretty straight forward.

From somewhere or another I had quite a bit of energy. I washed the dishes when I got up, let the animals out, bugged my birds, got firewood, made apple muffins, and promptly wore myself out. Lit the fire, looked after my parents with teas and hot water bottles, and now I’m in my room feeling like I want to draw again.

 

My ex was overly friendly again but it seems as though he’s thinking with a part of his male anatomy. I hope that’s not the reasoning behind his turn around in attention but it’s looking pretty likely, isn’t it?

I don’t really mind at the moment because I’m in a good mood. I’m not actually all that aroused by his talk though. I’m dealing with my own stuff here and I’m starting to align more with my integrity and needs. It has to be more than just sex for me and while I know we seem to have some sort of connection, that’s not really going to cut it for me anymore.

But I’m not going to be premature about this. It’s not overly important at the moment, my health and peace of mind is.

 

I can’t believe it’s already close to being the end of another month. At least at the end of this month my mother will know, after a year, how her brain is going and if any tumor came back. I’ll also get to see my auntie whom I haven’t seen since I was about 10 or so.

I tried to message my cousin but for some reason the message isn’t going through. I’ve sent a message to my aunt to see if my cousin uses the app, so we’ll just see what happens.

I had a look at my cousins pictures on Facebook and it looks like she’s quite the drawer/artist too. There has to be a gene for it hahaha but something tells me we’re going to have a LOT in common.

 

 

 

Anxiety · life · Personal · relationships

Our Way Of Loving Isn’t Compatible

duckers

I lost my duck.

Not as in, “where did my duck go?” but as in a fox-killed-and-tried-to-carry-away-my- duck, lost my duck.

I was heart broken on Tuesday. It’s one of those moments were you just don’t want to believe your eyes but there it is. My mother thought I’d seriously injured myself, or been bitten by a snake, the way I returned to the house through my tears.

I had some help in letting a lot of my grief go the next day but today it was a little difficult because the other duck (pictured above further away from the camera) was standing at the fence calling out to her, hoping she’d just waddle back up the paddock again.

To be honest, losing Quackers has emphasized even more how important it is to love and be loved now. Not just in the stock-standard way but in the way that makes you feel good about being you.

Everyone loves in different ways, even though the feeling of love is universal.

When I was sitting on the Earth in the garden earlier today, keeping the other duck company, I thought about how much of my life has been spent trying to get people who cannot love me the way I want to be loved, to do just that.

Only, in trying to get them to conform to what I needed, the tables turned into me believe that their way of loving was the right way and maybe I really did need to “toughen up” or that I was “too nice.”

Because they always say “you can’t change other people, only yourself” – but what if you don’t actually need to change yourself. What if you’re not supposed to?

 

This is the way my musings have been leaning lately. Being away from everything, on a farm, in nature, with all of the important things under one roof, is very helpful for reevaluating.

I had an odd conversation with my ex this afternoon – I joked that a girl from work had her sights set on him, it’s obvious when a girl crushes on a guy via social media, and he said, “yeah, she asked me out a few months ago but I said no.” Then, of course, we rehashed that he was focusing on himself anyway, to have a break from all that, and the more times I hear that the less my heart glows for him.

To be clear I wasn’t jealous or fishing for information I was more taken aback by the realisation that hey, he doesn’t share much with me anymore.

He has been fine, it’s got nothing to do with him, it’s just me not putting my boundaries up as usual. He is lucky because he still gets the openhearted, loving version of me however I get the closed-off, friendly version that everyone else gets. It doesn’t make me feel special in anyway, other than when we sext, but afterwards it’s back to closed-off “not a priority” again and my heart doesn’t deserve my constant dragging of her through the metaphorical mud.

None of this is his fault, he has been upfront, the responsibility lies with me to set my boundaries and be true to how my heart feels. We may have a connection, we may have a love between us, but sometimes it might not be right. I should have the balls to say if he is going to treat me as a friend, then a friend is all he will get in return. Not vindictively but truthfully.

 

In the beginning of next month I will be going back to the old city and have asked him if he would like to hang out. He is keen but I am feeling as if I need to make sure he knows how I feel and that it’s highly likely I won’t be physical with him.

I need to stop opting for short-term gratification when I know my happiness lies in long-term compatibility.

I know in my heart I’m ready for love.

 

Anxiety · Personal

Where’s My Hat?

Do you think sometimes you have such a hard time being yourself because nothing in the outside world matches the inner you, so you don’t actually know how to be you?

I mean sometimes we can get swept up in the identities of others, or what society tells us we should be, but when we are having those quiet moments and we look at everything we’ve decided to be… I don’t know, does anyone else wonder why half of the stuff they have is in their life?

I do this with clothes shopping sometimes. I walk around with my mum and I buy things but later on I kind of look at it and think, “why did I buy that?”

I knew who I was when I was a kid, then I sort of lost myself for a little while there between the ages of 12 and 16, and after that was when I switched off completely (with my emotions) and even though it wasn’t always right I did actually feel pretty comfortable with the identity I put on.

But that whole identity got old after a while. I didn’t like that I was shut off from myself but also from others. I didn’t think it was a badge of honour to be called “the ice queen” when on the inside I really wanted to be warm and inviting.

Now I’m sort of stuck. I don’t want to go back to that old identity (even though it was the most comfortable) but I don’t really slot into any others.

So I feel like I have to be myself… and yet I don’t know who I am. Sure I can say I’m an artist or musician, or that I’m a daughter, or female, or Australian, you know all that stuff. Although I AM all those things, I don’t know, it’s like they don’t sit right.

My acupuncturist tells me that people wear different hats all the time. For example if you work in a supermarket you put your “customer service” hat on when you’re at work but when you’re at home you’re not going to wear that hat anymore, are you? So you take it off and you put on the “mother” hat or the “I love my 5 cats” hat – you know, whatever floats your hat boat.

I’ve always had trouble with hats. It sort of feels like my hats don’t fit me right. I feel like there’s a hat out there with my name on it but I can’t find it.

Like the person that invented, I don’t know, the car. Nothing like the car was around and then someone thought of it, and then they get to wear the “I thought of a car” hat.

It sort of feels like that, except less cars.

I guess this ties in with my post about searching for an individual artist style too. Perhaps the two are linked? Maybe searching for either will help me find the other?

 

In other news I’ve just been helping my father around the farm, getting lovely bunches of flowers from my mother, and feeling as if I’m not even on the planet. I’m sleeping maybe a touch better but not as deeply or as restful as I seem to need.

My ex and I are still chatting here and there. He is moving, working and family-ing and manages to chat with me in between which is nice of him. Without that conversation my phone is deathly quiet and I’m starting to feel rather cut off and distant from the world and social life.

I think I might go have a shower. Perhaps that “a ha!” moment will happen.

Art · Personal

Style

From what I’ve seen of painters and art is that when an artist comes into their own unique “style” it’s as if they become their art. They go to sleep thinking about their work, they wake up in the morning filled with new ideas and jump straight into it and it seems as though they wouldn’t know their life if it wasn’t for the art in it.

Well, I think I am still waiting for my style.

What I am “good at” is realistic styled drawing.

For example the rose at the top of my page is what I drew for my mother a year or so ago:

IMG_1076

It’s unfinished in this picture but you get the idea.

However when I close my eyes and see the ideas in my mind of what I want to create I just think to myself how on earth am I going to get that out of my head and onto a canvas/page? With my super-realistic style abilities I am just amiss to interpret what I see.

Sometimes these ideas are so fleeting that even if I could manage it the reference has already gone. It’s a pity that we can’t take pictures of things in our minds.

I keep wondering what I should do and I also keep amassing copious art supplies to help, but every time I start to get experimental it just doesn’t feel right and I end up with a mess on a canvas.

I just haven’t found the right way of expressing myself yet. I know some people just throw paint at a canvas and that’s the way they can understand themselves and/or their world, or some people (my father included) just sits down with a canvas, starts drawing and whatever comes out, comes out.

Some people plan a work out for weeks or even months and some people can just belt something out in a few hours, but as long as they know their style it’s a relatively easy process, no matter how long it takes.

I don’t know why my inner artist has to be such a perfectionist. While I am amazed at what I can create, the realistic drawings don’t really have much emotion behind them. I see my creation but it doesn’t mean anything.

I really hope that one day I’m able to show other people what I can see just as other artists before me have done. I hope one day I can find my style and I can’t stop myself each and every day bringing my visions to life.

I hope one day I can just get it all out.

 

 

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Personal

Don’t Give Me “That” Look

I’m someone that dreams vividly so it’s no surprise to me that I can wake up in a “mood” from something Ive had a dream about (it was how my subconscious convinced me it was a super idea to hook up with my now ex) and a few days ago I woke up from one feeling very annoyed and a bit aggressive.

I could be wrong, I can’t quite remember, but I’m not usually aggressive in my dreams. I mean, if dreams are a reflection of your life then of course I’m not going to be angry. Usually I am a bit mousey, shy and generally introverted even when I’m dealing with threats – but it seemed like my subconscious had sort of cracked it.

The dream itself wasn’t unusual. I was with my parents visiting somewhere and I had a person tagging along with me. I didn’t know her, as in it wasn’t anyone I’d met in my life, but I think she was showing us around the town.

So, to get to the point, in the dream the girl asked me if I wanted to come and stay with her for a night or two. However, in my waking life, I still don’t feel strong enough to do certain things and it translates to my dreams. I said to her, “thanks for the offer but I’m still not ready to do that.”

What came next was, what I think, an amalgamation of all the times someone I loved in my life gave me THAT look. You know the one I’m talking about? That hurt/disappointed look? The one that just breaks your heart when someone judges or blames you for something you can’t change (or at least in my case, something I have TRIED to change for 10 years but haven’t been able to.)

Well, I just fucking lost it. I can’t remember exactly what I screamed back at her but I gather it was all the repressed feelings I think I’ve had about the whole anxiety/panic situation – but, to be more specific, the way I’ve been treated throughout.

It’s always that fucking look. I’ve had it from family, boyfriends, friends, co-workers, managers, bosses, strangers and now random figure constructions in my dreams.

And I’m soooooo very tired of it.

I really cannot say this enough, I’m just over it.

As if I don’t feel bad enough AS IT IS that I have to deny myself things, I have to now deal with the guilt you’re raining down on me?

Yeah, no thanks.

And I won’t even get into the hypocrisy of some people and their judgements…

From now on if someone doesn’t take the time to get to know me – or more specifically what is underneath the anxiety – to get to know what it is I have to deal with every day, and doesn’t celebrate everything I have done and/or in the process of doing for myself, then honestly, I just can’t be bothered with them anymore.

I grant you that not everyone has experienced it and just won’t understand.

That’s okay. They don’t have to.

All I really need are people that don’t give me “that” look.