Anxiety · Personal · relationships

Peace Of Mind

Today here, on the farm, was just another uneventful day in relation to what others are probably out there doing. Just to be clear I’m not comparing in any sort of negative way, it was just pretty straight forward.

From somewhere or another I had quite a bit of energy. I washed the dishes when I got up, let the animals out, bugged my birds, got firewood, made apple muffins, and promptly wore myself out. Lit the fire, looked after my parents with teas and hot water bottles, and now I’m in my room feeling like I want to draw again.

 

My ex was overly friendly again but it seems as though he’s thinking with a part of his male anatomy. I hope that’s not the reasoning behind his turn around in attention but it’s looking pretty likely, isn’t it?

I don’t really mind at the moment because I’m in a good mood. I’m not actually all that aroused by his talk though. I’m dealing with my own stuff here and I’m starting to align more with my integrity and needs. It has to be more than just sex for me and while I know we seem to have some sort of connection, that’s not really going to cut it for me anymore.

But I’m not going to be premature about this. It’s not overly important at the moment, my health and peace of mind is.

 

I can’t believe it’s already close to being the end of another month. At least at the end of this month my mother will know, after a year, how her brain is going and if any tumor came back. I’ll also get to see my auntie whom I haven’t seen since I was about 10 or so.

I tried to message my cousin but for some reason the message isn’t going through. I’ve sent a message to my aunt to see if my cousin uses the app, so we’ll just see what happens.

I had a look at my cousins pictures on Facebook and it looks like she’s quite the drawer/artist too. There has to be a gene for it hahaha but something tells me we’re going to have a LOT in common.

 

 

 

Anxiety · Health · Personal · relationships

Hot And Cold

I managed to do a little bit of drawing last night, nothing planned, no goals or anything, just picked something a drew it.

I decided to draw a dragon head again – I used a goat’s head as a reference because the two are very similar, what with the horns and everything, and I tried to make it all vicious but it just turned into a very sweet looking, wise lady dragon.

 

I wasn’t feeling as energetic today. I let the chickens and duck out for a while but it was windy and cold, so I just collected some wood and dragged myself around the house.

It was just one of those days to spend inside. At the moment days just blend into each other. Tonight I was going to do some more drawing but I’m not feeling up to it, I had a shower instead. But why not do both you might ask. Some days I only have energy enough for one. Hahaha.

 

Today was an “up” day in regard to my ex-boyfriend. Even I was surprised. He must have woken up on the right side of the bed. That song sung by Katy Perry, what is it? Hot and Cold? I never met anyone who filled that song’s shoes more than him at the moment.

 

My friend’s housemate almost burned their rental down. He tried to cook something but then decided to go out and left oil in the pan on the stove. Thankfully my friend got home a quarter of an hour earlier than when he had planned and caught the fire before it spread too much.

I do honestly wonder what happens in these people’s minds. He must have had a lot on his mind.

 

So that’s it for today. I’ve settled in with my parents to watch The Spy Who Loved or something like that and little Monkey perked on top of my laptop. Little Sandy has made herself a little nesting place and so she’s busy with that.

 

Anxiety · life · Personal · relationships

Our Way Of Loving Isn’t Compatible

duckers

I lost my duck.

Not as in, “where did my duck go?” but as in a fox-killed-and-tried-to-carry-away-my- duck, lost my duck.

I was heart broken on Tuesday. It’s one of those moments were you just don’t want to believe your eyes but there it is. My mother thought I’d seriously injured myself, or been bitten by a snake, the way I returned to the house through my tears.

I had some help in letting a lot of my grief go the next day but today it was a little difficult because the other duck (pictured above further away from the camera) was standing at the fence calling out to her, hoping she’d just waddle back up the paddock again.

To be honest, losing Quackers has emphasized even more how important it is to love and be loved now. Not just in the stock-standard way but in the way that makes you feel good about being you.

Everyone loves in different ways, even though the feeling of love is universal.

When I was sitting on the Earth in the garden earlier today, keeping the other duck company, I thought about how much of my life has been spent trying to get people who cannot love me the way I want to be loved, to do just that.

Only, in trying to get them to conform to what I needed, the tables turned into me believe that their way of loving was the right way and maybe I really did need to “toughen up” or that I was “too nice.”

Because they always say “you can’t change other people, only yourself” – but what if you don’t actually need to change yourself. What if you’re not supposed to?

 

This is the way my musings have been leaning lately. Being away from everything, on a farm, in nature, with all of the important things under one roof, is very helpful for reevaluating.

I had an odd conversation with my ex this afternoon – I joked that a girl from work had her sights set on him, it’s obvious when a girl crushes on a guy via social media, and he said, “yeah, she asked me out a few months ago but I said no.” Then, of course, we rehashed that he was focusing on himself anyway, to have a break from all that, and the more times I hear that the less my heart glows for him.

To be clear I wasn’t jealous or fishing for information I was more taken aback by the realisation that hey, he doesn’t share much with me anymore.

He has been fine, it’s got nothing to do with him, it’s just me not putting my boundaries up as usual. He is lucky because he still gets the openhearted, loving version of me however I get the closed-off, friendly version that everyone else gets. It doesn’t make me feel special in anyway, other than when we sext, but afterwards it’s back to closed-off “not a priority” again and my heart doesn’t deserve my constant dragging of her through the metaphorical mud.

None of this is his fault, he has been upfront, the responsibility lies with me to set my boundaries and be true to how my heart feels. We may have a connection, we may have a love between us, but sometimes it might not be right. I should have the balls to say if he is going to treat me as a friend, then a friend is all he will get in return. Not vindictively but truthfully.

 

In the beginning of next month I will be going back to the old city and have asked him if he would like to hang out. He is keen but I am feeling as if I need to make sure he knows how I feel and that it’s highly likely I won’t be physical with him.

I need to stop opting for short-term gratification when I know my happiness lies in long-term compatibility.

I know in my heart I’m ready for love.

 

Happiness · Personal · relationships

Detachment

So I was writing a post earlier today about something that has been bothering me but the more that I seemingly “complained” the heavier I kept feeling.

I say heavier because at the moment I have slipped into another “don’t care” bubble. Not the usual depressive bubble where I’ve felt as though nothing matters or what’s the point, but I just don’t seem to give a shit. It’s not a destructive “not caring” perhaps more of a detachment.

I made some hot chips for lunch and went to sit in the paddock with the chickens. I was enjoying the sun and the sounds of the native, Australian birds, and I thought to myself “maybe it’s good that I don’t care… maybe I could take advantage of this?”

This is on the tail end of my father and I discussing the fact that you can’t see a solution to a problem if you are focused on the problem. What is it Albert Einstein said?

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

Sometimes I think that I create this detachment as a sort of break from caring so much about certain things, especially if those things have a huge impact on my heart.

In these moments of self-detachment I begin to start thinking differently about things because I’m not longer emotionally invested.

 

The thing I was going to write about earlier was to do with relationships, going on and on about how I’m feeling about my ex and how patterns are emerging that remind me of old relationships, and when I sat with the chickens and ate my chips I thought “why don’t I just write about what I do want?”

 

About how I would be excited to meet a man that was genuinely interested in me, what my hopes and dreams are, what my favourite type of cake is, or just wants to discuss random things that we’re both interested in at the same level that I really get to know the man I’m with.

A man who would welcome me with open arms and an open heart, that was balanced in being able to get things done but also at peace with the process of life. That, no matter what was going on, we were there for each other in every way and he never had a wall up to block me out. To share and to create together.

One who accepted me for having my down times and didn’t force me, who knew that if he supports me I’m more likely to be able to move forward. If I was having a down day, or perhaps even week, he would cover me with a blanket on the couch and hunker down with me to watch TV knowing in the back of his mind that once this passed I would be unstoppable in getting things done.

As everyone wants, I would just like to meet someone who sees my true colours, who I really am, and doesn’t want to change it.

And, of course, someone I am physically attracted to because intimacy is a big part of who I am as well.

 

After I write all that I am still feeling detached but it comes as a relief to be honest. Sometimes detachment makes me feel better, makes me feel more in control, or perhaps even powerful. My heart is so big that I can’t handle too much heavy emotion weighing on it.

It’s not really about ignoring the things that are making me feel bad, putting a smile on my face and focusing more on the positive so I can skip around being joyful about everything. That is, of course, a goal of mine but this detachment means that I can step back from something that IS A PROBLEM in my life however I don’t see if that way when I’m emotionally attached to it.

 

 

 

Anxiety · Happiness · life · Personal · relationships

Sometimes It’s Hard To Be Diplomatic With Friends

Lately things for me having been not so easy; not terrible, just not easy. My overall health is up, then down, then UP, then DOWN, and may father’s health has sort of been the same. I have a friend that is not doing so great with her mental health and my father’s mother’s dementia is getting worse and worse – so phone calls are pretty intense for him.

This is all not helped by the progressive lack of sleep I’m getting…

So for me, right now, at this present time in my life, I am going out of my way to avoid anything that doesn’t lift my spirits.

In fact, I think that is one of the reasons why I’m still chatting away with my ex. He is the kind of person that makes people laugh and smile just by laughing and smiling himself.

One of my close friends, who’s been there with me for a long time, has started to become a little too negative. He is not a negative person but it seems as though every time I’ve had a conversation with him lately it had a tinge of bad.

At the moment I’m not strong enough to carry any empathetic weight, especially with lack of sleep, I’m finding it difficult enough not to go off at my parents for absolutely no reason other than I feel like *beep*.

A few nights ago I had a great, friendly conversation with my ex and I was feeling happier. Then, since I was in a better mood, I decided to check up on this friend only to have him tell me all these things that had gone wrong not just with him, but also around him, with people I don’t even know.

Well I just had to put my phone down. I’d completely lost my happiness mojo, just like that.

Again, not trying to be a bitch here. Ordinarily I would talk things through with him but I honestly just don’t have the reserves.

Anyway, rather than piss and moan about it, I decided to just approach it like an adult. Was honest and told him last night that I thought his mood had nose dived a lot lately and I wasn’t sure whether or not that was just because he was offloading onto me. I suggested that maybe the whole “share house” situation he was in, while good to save money in hopes of getting your own place or whatever you might be saving for, was not helping with HIS mental well-being.

He agreed and admitted to me that I only get to hear the worst parts because I’m one of his best friends.

But I asserted my boundaries and told him that I couldn’t be there for him in every instance – not forever and ever, just for the meantime.

He sort of misunderstood what it was I was saying, taking it a bit personally and saying “I didn’t realise it was all the time” which I had to clear up to say I didn’t think he was being negative ALL the time, but he was just dumping all of his negativity onto ME all the time. I mean if I’m one of only a few he can talk to about stuff, and I’m almost always available to chat, then I’m probably going to be on the receiving end of most of it.

Besides it wasn’t actually even about him. People have problems/troubles in their lives and they go to their friends for help. It’s a normal thing to do. It’s just not a good time for me and sometimes I do need a rest from taking things on board, especially when I’m struggling a bit with my own stuff.

 

I hope I was as diplomatic as possible with it. He sent me a picture of a dancing lemur through instagram this morning so I suppose all is okay.

 

 

 

Happiness · Health · Personal · relationships

He’s Back

On Saturday night I had a real pang of feeling lonely. Not alone, because I’m perfectly okay with that, but I suddenly just felt really isolated.

One of my exes (the one I referred to as my partner in a lot of the old posts on here) asked if he could visit with his wife (yes, he is already married) and I agreed. I am honestly one-hundred-per-cent happy for him and at this point would welcome any sort of visit to break up my days.

But the whole thing ushered in feelings of sadness. As in, “someone come and hold me right now.” The kind where you miss physical contact of a loved one.

Prior to this sudden feeling of loss I’ve done pretty well over the last three weeks. My current ex stopped chatting with me, I stopped chatting with him. It took a couple of days but soon enough I sort of didn’t really notice. In fact, it’s as if I’ve come to terms with it all now and I’m pretty much enjoying looking after myself and being single.

Well perhaps his radar went off, or maybe I was picking up on his loneliness, I don’t know but later that night (or should I say early Sunday morning) I received a message from my ex. It was short. It said simply: “Woman I hope you’re doing ok” with a smiley face.

I’m not going to get into the words he used because I could be here forever on that but I was surprised because I sincerely thought he was finished with me or that, perhaps, he had met someone else to “have fun with” and felt awkward continuing things with me.

It went from me sending him messages three weeks ago and him not even bothering to continue a conversation to us starting some back and forth two days ago and even him sending me follow up messages if he gave a short response to elaborated more. We’re still talking as if we never stopped and nobody has addressed why we stopped in the first place – I think we both must feel there’s no need.

However he is still the same old ex. Still keeping his emotions very close to his chest, still pretending he doesn’t care about things when we both know he does, and being somewhat negative about certain things and believing I’m not pushing myself.

For example, I mentioned a time at work where we made out in what was essentially a very public space and he laughed and said he remembered that. Then, his next message was something we didn’t do and proceeded to say “not cool.”

In these sort of situations in the past I have, I supposed, wanted to reassure him or defend myself but this time I called him a Negative Nancy and said “boo-fucking-ho.”

Look I’m not saying that I don’t love him anymore, or that I don’t care about him, but it’s more the fact that my self-esteem and self-worth are pretty high up at the moment and I’m not going to a) apologise for the past, and/or b) apologise for a mental health condition I have no control over (at times.)

It’s that age old saying “I love you but I love me more” and if I’m able to love him for everything that he is including all the not-so-good stuff then he needs to learn how to do the same for me or there is no future here.

 

In other news I brought some new-beaut paint pens! They are giant pens with acrylic paint in them! The future is now!

Sometimes I have a really great idea for a painting in my mind but with the tools I have in regard to acrylic paints and paintbrushes it’s as if I won’t be able to convey it. Sometimes I just need extra control that a paintbrush can’t offer or as if I have to be holding a pencil to get the idea down – so when I saw these online I decided to splurge $100 to try them. They could be REALLY handy for minute detail that I’ve always wanted to put into paintings but was unable to do.

I should really whip out a canvas and try out all the cool art supplies I’ve brought over the past few months.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happiness · Personal · relationships

Healing Hearts (And Pinching Nipples Too, It Would Seem)

So, I was surprised yesterday by something I found out. Well surprised probably isn’t the right word… more like interested.

It turns out Venus went retrograde. I didn’t even know that other planets went retrograde besides Mercury but I suppose it’s the one that does it most often? I don’t know, I’m not an astrologer.

Anyway, “retrograde” is just a fancy term for the planet appearing to move backwards in the night sky. It’s not really doing that because, if it went backwards on it’s orbit around the sun, all scientists would be like “OMG!” (paraphrasing.)

I was intrigued because lately I’d been weighing up my ex, and Venus being the planet of loooove (and other stuff), I was like, “well, maybe this is why I’m thinking about relationships so much now?”

The article I read (that was very EASY to read, like “Astrology for dummies”, so thank you article writer) said: “…this retrograde may upend preconceived notions about your love life. With that may come a newfound attraction to someone you never considered to be a romantic prospect or a revelation about your current relationship.”

Let’s read on…

“…take this opportunity to show ourselves the love we normally give others. This might be the right move to make if you have any serious exes waiting in the wings.”

Hmm…

image

“If you know it’s a bad idea to reconnect with your ex, draw a bath and show yourself some self-love instead. Once the retrograde lifts on April 15, the relief you feel will outshine the excitement of succumbing to a perilous stroll down memory lane.”

We can all make our own conclusions but I just thought it was really odd I was doing all this only to find out the planets were perhaps encouraging it?

“Reflect on your past relationships and think about what went wrong — what red flags appeared before the breakup that are only recognizable in hindsight? Use those lessons to inform any decisions you make with a new or potential partner during the retrograde.”

I’m also interested as to why, when I typed intrigued into Google search this image turned up…

22481fb

 

Mooooving on…

I assume my ex is doing the same thing I am, weighing me up, because he stopped talking to me right in the lead up to Venus retrograde. I thought that perhaps it was best for us to work through things together (that’s the way I’ve done it with all my other exes) but it seems that in this case it’s more appropriate to separate. I’m not just deciding if there could be a future between us but, like the article said, I’m actually redefining what a romantic partnership means to me.

 

One pattern I would like to give up is being attracted to men whom have had their hearts broken badly by someone they’ve really loved. Although it’s been a nice experience to help pick up all the pieces and show them love again, I’m done with that now.

Another would be my habit of taking over the role of giving in a relationship. It should be reciprocal. I think in order for my huge heart to be balanced it needs another huge heart to bounce off of.

Thirdly, no more falling in love with someones POTENTIAL. It’s nice to be aware of what a man is capable of but I need to also be aware and grounded in who he is NOW and if who I am NOW and who he is NOW mesh.

 

I just have to realise that short-term gratification will not equate to long-term happiness, which is how I think my gut feels about my most recent ex. We have a strong physical and emotional connection but that doesn’t always translate to a partnership.

He did also say, however, months ago that it was best for us to work on our own things. Sometimes he gives a vibe of being completely superficial and surface level and then other times he is spot on with intuition.

 

 

Either way I have a heart to heal.

 

 

P.S If I’m to be fair about all this I think I’m lumping everything in with my ex because it wasn’t just him that I lost. It was my job of 6 years that had become a part of my identity. It was my independence I’d finally gained after so long without it. It was the new friends I was beginning to make, the new life I was trying to set up. He was the last connection to all of that, and now he is vanishing too.