Anxiety · Happiness · Love · relationships

Three Little Piggies (Three Things I’ve Learned From Relationships)

After watching a dating show tonight and observing the diversity that is the human race, I began to think about what I’d learned from personal relationships, and I thought it was about time that I correlated this data and set about learning my lessons.

Interestingly all these discoveries are tied in some way.

First thing I discovered for myself is that there has to be a balance between the heart and the head. When I fall (hard) in love I tend to let it take me over completely. Screw taking any time to think it through, I’m just mad for it. It’s not because I’m afraid of being alone, it’s just that feeling I crave. Not the attention or affection but that connection with someone on a deep level that really draws me in. Because of this connection I don’t take any time to consider who this man I’m giving my heart to is as a person. I’m one of those “I fall for your potential” types and it’s really got me into trouble.

Also, because of this heart leading the head thing I tend to break values and morals of my own in order to fit this man into my world. For example, and this is a pretty general example, I swore to myself I’d never be with a guy who smoked. Right after my last year at high school I found myself dating someone who not only smoked, but often smoked pot. Just because of that “connection” feeling, and the love I experienced, I thought to myself well he’s not smoking while he’s around me so, what the hell?

Eventually in my other relationships I continued to ignore my own rules and did things that I later regretted. I now know that if you’re going to love hard you’ve gotta keep your head about you and distance yourself if it’s not working, regardless of the feelings.

Secondly, and probably obvious to a lot of you out there but not so much for this gal, is that a romantic relationship should not replace every other relationship in your life. Anna Faris has it right when she says different people in your life should offer different types of support and love to you. Don’t get me wrong, I want my future relationship to hold a man whom I feel is a great, supportive lover to me, but I’ve made the mistake of my significant other taking on every single roll I needed fulfilled; a mistake for both me and for the poor guy.

I suppose I should cut myself a little slack because it is hard to establish and maintain other relationships when anxiety and panic is a part of your life. Romantic relationships have that extra level about them that help your partner overlook that aspect however potential friends do not. So I suppose that’s why I’m going to bar myself from another relationship until I’ve proved to myself I can be social, hold down other sorts of relationships and social excursions.

Thirdly, I used to think I knew what I wanted in a man… that was until my most recent relationship. Preferences can change, but most of all I realise that the more you know yourself, the more you take responsibility for your own happiness and self-care, the more it challenges the relationship you think you want.

I think this comes on the coat tails of co-dependency. I wanted a man to “attach” to me, to feel “lost” without me, for me to be their whole world but when I experienced myself as more than what my mental health was allowing (through the mellow nature of Zoloft) I finally emerged as an independent woman who really wanted to enjoy life. Lo and behold once I did that, once I started putting more priority in myself and what made me happy, I attracted a man far different than the others I had dated… and I really liked it.

The great thing about these independent men is that they fall hard in love too but they respect the need for space and personal identity. The wonderful thing about falling in love from this different perspective was the lack of seriousness. Of course everyone wants an exclusive thing with someone, but I actually didn’t care what happened – I was having fun in the moment and what’s more, my priority was to myself.

 

This all leads nicely into making sure I’m a whole person, inside and out, before entering into another relationship but I’ll leave that for another time.

 

 

 

Advertisements
Anxiety · Happiness · Health · relationships

Inspired Action

I’ve been offline for most of my time these days. It’s not as though I feel I’ve needed any “break” but I just don’t feel inspired. The only type of “online” that I tend to do is Instagram because that is easy. I don’t need much effort at all to point my phone camera at something and share it with the world.

I mean, have you ever found yourself in life limbo? You’re not willing to keep pushing the same ‘past you’ around, but you’re not quite to the new you yet… so you kind of potter around, aimlessly, waiting for that inspiration to strike.

“Of course! That’s who I am. Onwards!”

I have every faith that things will eventually fall into place but in the meantime I’m… well I don’t even want to say “wasting my time” because how can you be wasting time if you’re yet to set an end point to reach? Well, I certainly don’t think I am anyway.

 

In regard to my last post about letting things go I don’t think I gave myself enough credit; there are some things I have let go of that I didn’t even notice until a couple of days ago. I realised that I’d let go of caring what other people think of me.

If I were to look at myself and my life from an outside perspective it would, of course, look as if I am doing nothing, I have no job, no partner, no children, and it would seem I do the same thing every day. Get up, eat, drink, farm work, watch some tv, eat, drink, and then sleep. Meanwhile, my priority has been set at bettering myself mentally, emotionally and physically (something that is personal and I’m not going to share with others) – and all of that stuff, obviously, you can’t see… until, of course, you finally tip everything in your favour and then THAT’S when the progress will be obvious.

I realised that the anxiety and panic I’ve had in my life has taught me to care more and more about my own healing, my own point of view about myself, rather than take what others say to heart.

I’ve had my parents, family, boyfriends, friends, bosses, random people tell me I wasn’t trying hard enough when I was! So I was generally doing my best everyday PLUS trying to prove these people wrong and I just got tired of it.

There is unnecessary stress in the pressures society and others will place on us and I just couldn’t be bothered to care anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to walk outside with no clothes or any such thing to prove this, but you must get what I mean.

So hooray! I can at least let go of some things, so that’s a good sign it might become easier in the future.

 

Happiness · Personal · relationships

Giving Up The Fight

This morning I woke up with my head still full of questions after last night. My ex had sent me a message an hour later in my response to saying I felt like an idiot, basically that I shouldn’t feel like an idiot and I haven’t done anything wrong.

Well, of course I haven’t done anything wrong, besides the sexting and living in a fucking fantasy world of my own making. Oh, and being so stupid as to believe him when he said he just wanted to focus on himself, and that he wasn’t interested, and me being the only one he feels he could trust…

I began crying, not just because of the situation between my ex and me, but for everything else going on in my life that I was trying to be brave about. I cried until I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t end up surfacing from my room until almost lunchtime.

The only question, after I had written down everything I was feeling, I could bring myself to ask was why he went from “beautiful eyes” to pushing me away again.

I honestly thought it was just another one of those times when he was rejecting me because he was getting too close again and all of that fear was reentering his mind.

But he responded with something that sort of shocked me.

“Push you away? Yes we have this weird connection but we weren’t together as a couple…”

I whipped out my phone to write down everything I began thinking as a response to his statement…

…but I just got tired.

I was, and am, too tired to fight for this anymore.

All I could muster in reply was, “you’re right.”

 

Stupidly now I want to continue wounding myself by asking what the deal was with him saying that stuff to me, about not wanting a relationship, about being free, about all that bullshit. I suppose it’s more for my closure than anything else.

Whatever, he’s made his choice.

I always stay friends with my exes but in this case I’m not even sure I want to. I have enough crap to deal with than to hurt myself over and over.

 

And this is my exact problem, I live with my heart not my head. I live my life based on connections and feelings when he’s obviously living his on practicality.

We don’t live in the same city anymore, we haven’t seen each other in almost a year. I am weird, mentally, and so he doesn’t understand why I can’t just get in the car and drive over to visit him. It’s obviously too hard when it really doesn’t have to be. I can’t expect him to be the one to always travel but with the way things are with me at the moment, I don’t know how I’m going to be from one day to the next, so I can’t plan trips.

This is all just too messy.

I give up.

 

Of course I know that at some point in the future I’m going to be laying in bed with a man who adores me for exactly who I am thinking back on all this and wondering why I even cared at all… but that moment seems so far away from my sore heart.

I have received the usual “time heals all wounds, he doesn’t deserve you” chorus from those who care about me but we all know that at times like this it doesn’t mean anything.

Happiness · Personal · relationships

The Wakeup Call

So weirdly enough, I’m not crying. I’m not entirely sure if that’s because I am stopping myself or if I don’t want to. Perhaps I respect myself too much to get into all the drama this time around.

Things with my ex were going along as usual. Hot, cold, up, down. We’d just found ourselves in another wonderful up when suddenly, out of no where, a slump.

Of course my intuition knew something was up but I was assured that everything was fine. Well, you should always listen to that little voice.

About 40 minutes ago I was hit with the “wakeup call.”

I said that I couldn’t wait to see him, as we’d just only a week or so ago discussed him visiting, and I was just not prepared for what his response was:

“I was looking forward to it too but it’s not really fair on you as I’m trialling dating a girl to see how it goes or if I’m ready.”

Ka-BOOM.

A literal wave of heat and fear washed over me. To tell you the truth I was a little dumbfounded.

Too many feelings and questions started racing through my head and to tell you the truth I felt physically ill. Again. It was happening to me AGAIN.

I was being replaced. AGAIN.

All I managed to choke out (even though this was via messages) was “well I feel like an idiot.”

I also rattled off that I thought we had a special connection. To be honest I really don’t know what else to say.

All that bullshit he spouted off about not even being sure he wanted all of that relationship stuff, and still healing from the marriage break up, and he’s jumping into bed with someone else.

The things I started to question where: “if you’re feeling ready to date again, why not me?” and “if you insisted on your visit only just being because you wanted to see me, not have sex, then what does this new informs even mean? You are only still my friend because you were wondering if we would eventually work out? Are we not good friends?”

This ALWAYS happens. ALWAYS. I ALWAYS know I should back away, to get out with my feelings in tact but I NEVER do!

To add insult to injury he dropped his bombshell and has now gone silent. The least he could do is talk this through with me, I mean, we had a nice thing together and there’s no common decency to at least talk?

I assume he is afraid, he’s obviously afraid of what I was going to say, how I was going to react. Now, I really do want to completely switch everything off and be alone. Not so much because of what happened, more because I can see my head is NOT in the right place.

I think the hardest thing about this all is the fact that I know gradually, yet again, I will be replaced. He will become just another ex that will stop talking to me, and that’s the thing that hurts the most in this whole situation.

I am so sick of being forgotten about, replace, whitewashed over; not just with exes but in life.

And that last sentence, in this whole post, is the only one I began to feel my eyes watering with tears.

Wakeup calls. Where’s the fucking snooze.

Anxiety · life · Personal · relationships

Sorry, Self

Okay, so I’m going to start this again.

Surely I can take a concept of how I’m feeling and not blow it out to 500 words and by the end of it think, “what the hell am I on about?”

I am beginning to understand how all my University tutors felt trying to read my essays.

 

Right, self discipline.

Here we go.

 

Yesterday I felt lonely. Well I still feel lonely today however today I turned my phone off, which you might think contradicts the emotion I’m feeling, but let me explain.

Having my phone with me at this time of complete Hangman Limbo in my life consistently reminds me of how boring and mundane my days are. When I feel lonely (which to be honest only happens maybe once every month or so) that feeling is amplified so I begin to become angry and aggressive, especially when it comes to connecting with other people.

I begin to get annoyed that a) no one is bothering to talk to me, and b) if they are messaging back, they don’t seem to show the slightest interest in having a “deep and meaningful.”

When IN REALITY they all have lives they’re living, things to do, people to see, things to occupy their minds and actions. It’s not a personal attack on me. I’m not boring or not worth getting to know, they are just captivated by their own musings.

 

71ff0b1eab13240488f38bccb5fd6478

 

When I was about to tuck myself in last night I read a little bit about an artist’s life – she’d had polio, been in an accident which meant she was in pain a lot, and had said “I paint myself a lot because that’s who I spend the most time with” or something along those lines and it sort of hit a nerve.

Sometimes I am in pain, or having to deal with something I’d rather not have to deal with, and sometimes I am alone, but at least she was not sitting next to her phone wishing it would ring while she watches Sex And The City for the millionth time (and that show ALWAYS makes me incredibly mad for some reason) and realised another day has been wasted.

 

So that’s where self discipline comes in.

I know I have blogged about this before, in the 6 years I’ve been on WordPress it’s not the first time I’ve encountered this problem, but it’s the first time I think I’ve been sick of running around and around in circles.

So that’s why my phone is off. It’s similar to not buying chocolate at the supermarket so when you’re at home you can’t pig out on in. i am being my own parent to the teen inside me that really needs a break from her vices.

Ha, yes, I am grounding myself. If I can’t get my shit together and do the things I love without being sidetracked then I have to.

Sorry, self.

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Personal · relationships

In Bed By 9 O’Clock

Just as the title suggest I’m snuggled up in bed with my ear plugs in and my hot water bottles burning, like one of those bugs in a rug people are always going on about, at 9pm on a Saturday night.

It’s not unusual for me not to have plans on a weekend but I’m usually still up with my parents watching TV and talking rubbish.

I sort of just got this urge to be on my own and rest. I can be on my own in my room but I didn’t even feel like going online or drawing like I have done the past couple of days. It just seemed like a great idea to get under the covers and play a few games on my phone, then slowly drift off to sleep.

 

Today was very productive. I finally got around to cleaning up the front room in my parents house. It turned into a dumping ground for all my stuff when I moved back home, and with the birds often sitting out there too they made one hell of a mess (guys, birds are fucking messy pets, but they’re worth it.)

If there’s one thing I love doing it’s cleaning up and being able to see the difference. It’s relaxing and soothing for me, and I’ve heard it can be for others with anxiety too.

My father is feeling better and my mother baked cookies for us today. I spent some time with the chooks outside inbetween busting my butt and the sun was gorgeous and warm. One of those perfect Autumn days.

 

My close friend messaged me about being dumped by a girl. I wasn’t even aware he was seeing anyone. I suppose that was part of the reasoning though. He said that they were just being casual about it and all of a sudden she turned around and accused him of not being serious enough.

In reality they just didn’t really have time for each other and it sort of just wasn’t going anywhere.

i told him that with the right girl it’s going to be really super easy, it won’t matter about labels or time or money or anything. You’ll just be so into each other everything else won’t matter.

 

My ex has gone away for the weekend with friends and their kids. I sent him a message wishing them well and I’m just going to leave it at that.

To be honest all that talk with my close friend made me remember just how simple it was with my ex and trying to figure out what happened, but he can’t put his finger on it either. He blames his past relationship but if that was the case he would never have opened up to me in the first place.

Plus if it was a case of two people just not fitting or being able to work out we still wouldn’t be bothering. We wouldn’t still be calling each other by the nicknames we somehow acquired or talking about sexual things either.

Sometimes shit just happens and we don’t know why.

But I am very happy where I ended up. Waking with my family every day. Being able to help them out while both they and I recover. No stress. No pressure.

It’s the little things in life. Not a doubt in my mind.

Anxiety · Personal · relationships

Peace Of Mind

Today here, on the farm, was just another uneventful day in relation to what others are probably out there doing. Just to be clear I’m not comparing in any sort of negative way, it was just pretty straight forward.

From somewhere or another I had quite a bit of energy. I washed the dishes when I got up, let the animals out, bugged my birds, got firewood, made apple muffins, and promptly wore myself out. Lit the fire, looked after my parents with teas and hot water bottles, and now I’m in my room feeling like I want to draw again.

 

My ex was overly friendly again but it seems as though he’s thinking with a part of his male anatomy. I hope that’s not the reasoning behind his turn around in attention but it’s looking pretty likely, isn’t it?

I don’t really mind at the moment because I’m in a good mood. I’m not actually all that aroused by his talk though. I’m dealing with my own stuff here and I’m starting to align more with my integrity and needs. It has to be more than just sex for me and while I know we seem to have some sort of connection, that’s not really going to cut it for me anymore.

But I’m not going to be premature about this. It’s not overly important at the moment, my health and peace of mind is.

 

I can’t believe it’s already close to being the end of another month. At least at the end of this month my mother will know, after a year, how her brain is going and if any tumor came back. I’ll also get to see my auntie whom I haven’t seen since I was about 10 or so.

I tried to message my cousin but for some reason the message isn’t going through. I’ve sent a message to my aunt to see if my cousin uses the app, so we’ll just see what happens.

I had a look at my cousins pictures on Facebook and it looks like she’s quite the drawer/artist too. There has to be a gene for it hahaha but something tells me we’re going to have a LOT in common.