Happiness · Personal · relationships

Giving Up The Fight

This morning I woke up with my head still full of questions after last night. My ex had sent me a message an hour later in my response to saying I felt like an idiot, basically that I shouldn’t feel like an idiot and I haven’t done anything wrong.

Well, of course I haven’t done anything wrong, besides the sexting and living in a fucking fantasy world of my own making. Oh, and being so stupid as to believe him when he said he just wanted to focus on himself, and that he wasn’t interested, and me being the only one he feels he could trust…

I began crying, not just because of the situation between my ex and me, but for everything else going on in my life that I was trying to be brave about. I cried until I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t end up surfacing from my room until almost lunchtime.

The only question, after I had written down everything I was feeling, I could bring myself to ask was why he went from “beautiful eyes” to pushing me away again.

I honestly thought it was just another one of those times when he was rejecting me because he was getting too close again and all of that fear was reentering his mind.

But he responded with something that sort of shocked me.

“Push you away? Yes we have this weird connection but we weren’t together as a couple…”

I whipped out my phone to write down everything I began thinking as a response to his statement…

…but I just got tired.

I was, and am, too tired to fight for this anymore.

All I could muster in reply was, “you’re right.”

 

Stupidly now I want to continue wounding myself by asking what the deal was with him saying that stuff to me, about not wanting a relationship, about being free, about all that bullshit. I suppose it’s more for my closure than anything else.

Whatever, he’s made his choice.

I always stay friends with my exes but in this case I’m not even sure I want to. I have enough crap to deal with than to hurt myself over and over.

 

And this is my exact problem, I live with my heart not my head. I live my life based on connections and feelings when he’s obviously living his on practicality.

We don’t live in the same city anymore, we haven’t seen each other in almost a year. I am weird, mentally, and so he doesn’t understand why I can’t just get in the car and drive over to visit him. It’s obviously too hard when it really doesn’t have to be. I can’t expect him to be the one to always travel but with the way things are with me at the moment, I don’t know how I’m going to be from one day to the next, so I can’t plan trips.

This is all just too messy.

I give up.

 

Of course I know that at some point in the future I’m going to be laying in bed with a man who adores me for exactly who I am thinking back on all this and wondering why I even cared at all… but that moment seems so far away from my sore heart.

I have received the usual “time heals all wounds, he doesn’t deserve you” chorus from those who care about me but we all know that at times like this it doesn’t mean anything.

Happiness · Personal · relationships

The Wakeup Call

So weirdly enough, I’m not crying. I’m not entirely sure if that’s because I am stopping myself or if I don’t want to. Perhaps I respect myself too much to get into all the drama this time around.

Things with my ex were going along as usual. Hot, cold, up, down. We’d just found ourselves in another wonderful up when suddenly, out of no where, a slump.

Of course my intuition knew something was up but I was assured that everything was fine. Well, you should always listen to that little voice.

About 40 minutes ago I was hit with the “wakeup call.”

I said that I couldn’t wait to see him, as we’d just only a week or so ago discussed him visiting, and I was just not prepared for what his response was:

“I was looking forward to it too but it’s not really fair on you as I’m trialling dating a girl to see how it goes or if I’m ready.”

Ka-BOOM.

A literal wave of heat and fear washed over me. To tell you the truth I was a little dumbfounded.

Too many feelings and questions started racing through my head and to tell you the truth I felt physically ill. Again. It was happening to me AGAIN.

I was being replaced. AGAIN.

All I managed to choke out (even though this was via messages) was “well I feel like an idiot.”

I also rattled off that I thought we had a special connection. To be honest I really don’t know what else to say.

All that bullshit he spouted off about not even being sure he wanted all of that relationship stuff, and still healing from the marriage break up, and he’s jumping into bed with someone else.

The things I started to question where: “if you’re feeling ready to date again, why not me?” and “if you insisted on your visit only just being because you wanted to see me, not have sex, then what does this new informs even mean? You are only still my friend because you were wondering if we would eventually work out? Are we not good friends?”

This ALWAYS happens. ALWAYS. I ALWAYS know I should back away, to get out with my feelings in tact but I NEVER do!

To add insult to injury he dropped his bombshell and has now gone silent. The least he could do is talk this through with me, I mean, we had a nice thing together and there’s no common decency to at least talk?

I assume he is afraid, he’s obviously afraid of what I was going to say, how I was going to react. Now, I really do want to completely switch everything off and be alone. Not so much because of what happened, more because I can see my head is NOT in the right place.

I think the hardest thing about this all is the fact that I know gradually, yet again, I will be replaced. He will become just another ex that will stop talking to me, and that’s the thing that hurts the most in this whole situation.

I am so sick of being forgotten about, replace, whitewashed over; not just with exes but in life.

And that last sentence, in this whole post, is the only one I began to feel my eyes watering with tears.

Wakeup calls. Where’s the fucking snooze.

Anxiety · life · Personal · relationships

Sorry, Self

Okay, so I’m going to start this again.

Surely I can take a concept of how I’m feeling and not blow it out to 500 words and by the end of it think, “what the hell am I on about?”

I am beginning to understand how all my University tutors felt trying to read my essays.

 

Right, self discipline.

Here we go.

 

Yesterday I felt lonely. Well I still feel lonely today however today I turned my phone off, which you might think contradicts the emotion I’m feeling, but let me explain.

Having my phone with me at this time of complete Hangman Limbo in my life consistently reminds me of how boring and mundane my days are. When I feel lonely (which to be honest only happens maybe once every month or so) that feeling is amplified so I begin to become angry and aggressive, especially when it comes to connecting with other people.

I begin to get annoyed that a) no one is bothering to talk to me, and b) if they are messaging back, they don’t seem to show the slightest interest in having a “deep and meaningful.”

When IN REALITY they all have lives they’re living, things to do, people to see, things to occupy their minds and actions. It’s not a personal attack on me. I’m not boring or not worth getting to know, they are just captivated by their own musings.

 

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When I was about to tuck myself in last night I read a little bit about an artist’s life – she’d had polio, been in an accident which meant she was in pain a lot, and had said “I paint myself a lot because that’s who I spend the most time with” or something along those lines and it sort of hit a nerve.

Sometimes I am in pain, or having to deal with something I’d rather not have to deal with, and sometimes I am alone, but at least she was not sitting next to her phone wishing it would ring while she watches Sex And The City for the millionth time (and that show ALWAYS makes me incredibly mad for some reason) and realised another day has been wasted.

 

So that’s where self discipline comes in.

I know I have blogged about this before, in the 6 years I’ve been on WordPress it’s not the first time I’ve encountered this problem, but it’s the first time I think I’ve been sick of running around and around in circles.

So that’s why my phone is off. It’s similar to not buying chocolate at the supermarket so when you’re at home you can’t pig out on in. i am being my own parent to the teen inside me that really needs a break from her vices.

Ha, yes, I am grounding myself. If I can’t get my shit together and do the things I love without being sidetracked then I have to.

Sorry, self.

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Personal

Reality

“…And remember that comparing your reality to other people‚Äôs causes much unnecessary stress.”

From Creative Numerology on WordPress.

It’s an easy thing to forget, isn’t it? Especially these days with social media and media in general bombarding us constantly of what others are doing with their lives. I’m not saying it’s a good or a bad thing – it’s just a “thing” in our society now.

I like the ability of being able to see what my friends or random strangers are getting up to. If you take it in the right light then it can be motivation or encouragement; give us ideas of how to expand our own experience.

Difficulties make comparing our lives to other’s pretty much a given. It takes a strong nerve not to do it. It’s universal.

 

The quote is right. It does cause unnecessary stress.

Sometimes the only way I get through my trials is by believing that eventually my life will become what I’ve always seen it as in my mind.

Sometimes, when I’m going through those trials I have to disconnect myself from others even if their messages are positive because I’m in no state to receive.

I step back because everything is relative and I don’t want to put pressure on myself to force anything.

Inside I believe you know when the time is right and when you’re still in your cocoon becoming the butterfly. If you’re still cocooning then take everything you see others doing with a grain of salt. Not in the sense that it’s not real, or it’s faked, but with the sense of knowing that one day you’ll be living up to your true potential.

 

Enjoy the reality of others and respect where you’re at. That’s all I can really say. I know how hard it is, believe me.

 

 

Today on the farm was cold and windy. I went through another level of healing that was draining and I know I’m still not out the other side yet but I’ll sleep off what I’ve done and try to face the next stage tomorrow.

The animals were in bed by 2pm and my bird Sandy continued to sit on her eggs.

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Personal · relationships

In Bed By 9 O’Clock

Just as the title suggest I’m snuggled up in bed with my ear plugs in and my hot water bottles burning, like one of those bugs in a rug people are always going on about, at 9pm on a Saturday night.

It’s not unusual for me not to have plans on a weekend but I’m usually still up with my parents watching TV and talking rubbish.

I sort of just got this urge to be on my own and rest. I can be on my own in my room but I didn’t even feel like going online or drawing like I have done the past couple of days. It just seemed like a great idea to get under the covers and play a few games on my phone, then slowly drift off to sleep.

 

Today was very productive. I finally got around to cleaning up the front room in my parents house. It turned into a dumping ground for all my stuff when I moved back home, and with the birds often sitting out there too they made one hell of a mess (guys, birds are fucking messy pets, but they’re worth it.)

If there’s one thing I love doing it’s cleaning up and being able to see the difference. It’s relaxing and soothing for me, and I’ve heard it can be for others with anxiety too.

My father is feeling better and my mother baked cookies for us today. I spent some time with the chooks outside inbetween busting my butt and the sun was gorgeous and warm. One of those perfect Autumn days.

 

My close friend messaged me about being dumped by a girl. I wasn’t even aware he was seeing anyone. I suppose that was part of the reasoning though. He said that they were just being casual about it and all of a sudden she turned around and accused him of not being serious enough.

In reality they just didn’t really have time for each other and it sort of just wasn’t going anywhere.

i told him that with the right girl it’s going to be really super easy, it won’t matter about labels or time or money or anything. You’ll just be so into each other everything else won’t matter.

 

My ex has gone away for the weekend with friends and their kids. I sent him a message wishing them well and I’m just going to leave it at that.

To be honest all that talk with my close friend made me remember just how simple it was with my ex and trying to figure out what happened, but he can’t put his finger on it either. He blames his past relationship but if that was the case he would never have opened up to me in the first place.

Plus if it was a case of two people just not fitting or being able to work out we still wouldn’t be bothering. We wouldn’t still be calling each other by the nicknames we somehow acquired or talking about sexual things either.

Sometimes shit just happens and we don’t know why.

But I am very happy where I ended up. Waking with my family every day. Being able to help them out while both they and I recover. No stress. No pressure.

It’s the little things in life. Not a doubt in my mind.

Anxiety · Personal · relationships

Peace Of Mind

Today here, on the farm, was just another uneventful day in relation to what others are probably out there doing. Just to be clear I’m not comparing in any sort of negative way, it was just pretty straight forward.

From somewhere or another I had quite a bit of energy. I washed the dishes when I got up, let the animals out, bugged my birds, got firewood, made apple muffins, and promptly wore myself out. Lit the fire, looked after my parents with teas and hot water bottles, and now I’m in my room feeling like I want to draw again.

 

My ex was overly friendly again but it seems as though he’s thinking with a part of his male anatomy. I hope that’s not the reasoning behind his turn around in attention but it’s looking pretty likely, isn’t it?

I don’t really mind at the moment because I’m in a good mood. I’m not actually all that aroused by his talk though. I’m dealing with my own stuff here and I’m starting to align more with my integrity and needs. It has to be more than just sex for me and while I know we seem to have some sort of connection, that’s not really going to cut it for me anymore.

But I’m not going to be premature about this. It’s not overly important at the moment, my health and peace of mind is.

 

I can’t believe it’s already close to being the end of another month. At least at the end of this month my mother will know, after a year, how her brain is going and if any tumor came back. I’ll also get to see my auntie whom I haven’t seen since I was about 10 or so.

I tried to message my cousin but for some reason the message isn’t going through. I’ve sent a message to my aunt to see if my cousin uses the app, so we’ll just see what happens.

I had a look at my cousins pictures on Facebook and it looks like she’s quite the drawer/artist too. There has to be a gene for it hahaha but something tells me we’re going to have a LOT in common.

 

 

 

Anxiety · Health · Personal · relationships

Hot And Cold

I managed to do a little bit of drawing last night, nothing planned, no goals or anything, just picked something a drew it.

I decided to draw a dragon head again – I used a goat’s head as a reference because the two are very similar, what with the horns and everything, and I tried to make it all vicious but it just turned into a very sweet looking, wise lady dragon.

 

I wasn’t feeling as energetic today. I let the chickens and duck out for a while but it was windy and cold, so I just collected some wood and dragged myself around the house.

It was just one of those days to spend inside. At the moment days just blend into each other. Tonight I was going to do some more drawing but I’m not feeling up to it, I had a shower instead. But why not do both you might ask. Some days I only have energy enough for one. Hahaha.

 

Today was an “up” day in regard to my ex-boyfriend. Even I was surprised. He must have woken up on the right side of the bed. That song sung by Katy Perry, what is it? Hot and Cold? I never met anyone who filled that song’s shoes more than him at the moment.

 

My friend’s housemate almost burned their rental down. He tried to cook something but then decided to go out and left oil in the pan on the stove. Thankfully my friend got home a quarter of an hour earlier than when he had planned and caught the fire before it spread too much.

I do honestly wonder what happens in these people’s minds. He must have had a lot on his mind.

 

So that’s it for today. I’ve settled in with my parents to watch The Spy Who Loved or something like that and little Monkey perked on top of my laptop. Little Sandy has made herself a little nesting place and so she’s busy with that.