Happiness · Health · life · Personal

Sleepy Spell

Wore myself out a bit today, but it was welcomed.

I dug in the garden – my father has fluid in his legs and knees and so is unable to bend at the moment. I planted some garlic for him and then weeded and mulched the area where we get asparagus.

I couldn’t really seem to sit still all day because when I did I would want to fall asleep. Not just “oh, I’m sort of tired right now” but if I closed my eyes for even a moment I would be pulled into a really deep sleep. This is unusual for me. It takes me a long time to drift off.

I suspect after all the hard work I’ve put in my gut wall has been damaged… yet again. What’s there to say besides time to heal it once more.

 

It seems I’m having another kind of lull in activity around me. I suppose any other person would feel very bored but I just take this all as it comes.

I listened to a recording today that said the definition of abundance was “the ability to do whatever you need to do, when you need to do it” and as I sat on the grass today and stared up at the sky I thought, well then my life is full of abundance.

I have an abundance of time. I have an abundance of good people around me. I have an abundance of nature to walk in. I have an abundance of good food I can eat, and rain water to drink. I have an abundance of choice. I have an abundance of ways to express myself.

I am able to experience all this when I need to; to go for a walk, to express myself, to eat and drink, and to be with those I love. I tried to parlay that knowledge into gratitude however my feelings and emotions aren’t quite there yet. I’m sure they’ll catch up soon.

 

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Anxiety · life · Personal · relationships

Sorry, Self

Okay, so I’m going to start this again.

Surely I can take a concept of how I’m feeling and not blow it out to 500 words and by the end of it think, “what the hell am I on about?”

I am beginning to understand how all my University tutors felt trying to read my essays.

 

Right, self discipline.

Here we go.

 

Yesterday I felt lonely. Well I still feel lonely today however today I turned my phone off, which you might think contradicts the emotion I’m feeling, but let me explain.

Having my phone with me at this time of complete Hangman Limbo in my life consistently reminds me of how boring and mundane my days are. When I feel lonely (which to be honest only happens maybe once every month or so) that feeling is amplified so I begin to become angry and aggressive, especially when it comes to connecting with other people.

I begin to get annoyed that a) no one is bothering to talk to me, and b) if they are messaging back, they don’t seem to show the slightest interest in having a “deep and meaningful.”

When IN REALITY they all have lives they’re living, things to do, people to see, things to occupy their minds and actions. It’s not a personal attack on me. I’m not boring or not worth getting to know, they are just captivated by their own musings.

 

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When I was about to tuck myself in last night I read a little bit about an artist’s life – she’d had polio, been in an accident which meant she was in pain a lot, and had said “I paint myself a lot because that’s who I spend the most time with” or something along those lines and it sort of hit a nerve.

Sometimes I am in pain, or having to deal with something I’d rather not have to deal with, and sometimes I am alone, but at least she was not sitting next to her phone wishing it would ring while she watches Sex And The City for the millionth time (and that show ALWAYS makes me incredibly mad for some reason) and realised another day has been wasted.

 

So that’s where self discipline comes in.

I know I have blogged about this before, in the 6 years I’ve been on WordPress it’s not the first time I’ve encountered this problem, but it’s the first time I think I’ve been sick of running around and around in circles.

So that’s why my phone is off. It’s similar to not buying chocolate at the supermarket so when you’re at home you can’t pig out on in. i am being my own parent to the teen inside me that really needs a break from her vices.

Ha, yes, I am grounding myself. If I can’t get my shit together and do the things I love without being sidetracked then I have to.

Sorry, self.

 

Anxiety · life · Personal · relationships

Our Way Of Loving Isn’t Compatible

duckers

I lost my duck.

Not as in, “where did my duck go?” but as in a fox-killed-and-tried-to-carry-away-my- duck, lost my duck.

I was heart broken on Tuesday. It’s one of those moments were you just don’t want to believe your eyes but there it is. My mother thought I’d seriously injured myself, or been bitten by a snake, the way I returned to the house through my tears.

I had some help in letting a lot of my grief go the next day but today it was a little difficult because the other duck (pictured above further away from the camera) was standing at the fence calling out to her, hoping she’d just waddle back up the paddock again.

To be honest, losing Quackers has emphasized even more how important it is to love and be loved now. Not just in the stock-standard way but in the way that makes you feel good about being you.

Everyone loves in different ways, even though the feeling of love is universal.

When I was sitting on the Earth in the garden earlier today, keeping the other duck company, I thought about how much of my life has been spent trying to get people who cannot love me the way I want to be loved, to do just that.

Only, in trying to get them to conform to what I needed, the tables turned into me believe that their way of loving was the right way and maybe I really did need to “toughen up” or that I was “too nice.”

Because they always say “you can’t change other people, only yourself” – but what if you don’t actually need to change yourself. What if you’re not supposed to?

 

This is the way my musings have been leaning lately. Being away from everything, on a farm, in nature, with all of the important things under one roof, is very helpful for reevaluating.

I had an odd conversation with my ex this afternoon – I joked that a girl from work had her sights set on him, it’s obvious when a girl crushes on a guy via social media, and he said, “yeah, she asked me out a few months ago but I said no.” Then, of course, we rehashed that he was focusing on himself anyway, to have a break from all that, and the more times I hear that the less my heart glows for him.

To be clear I wasn’t jealous or fishing for information I was more taken aback by the realisation that hey, he doesn’t share much with me anymore.

He has been fine, it’s got nothing to do with him, it’s just me not putting my boundaries up as usual. He is lucky because he still gets the openhearted, loving version of me however I get the closed-off, friendly version that everyone else gets. It doesn’t make me feel special in anyway, other than when we sext, but afterwards it’s back to closed-off “not a priority” again and my heart doesn’t deserve my constant dragging of her through the metaphorical mud.

None of this is his fault, he has been upfront, the responsibility lies with me to set my boundaries and be true to how my heart feels. We may have a connection, we may have a love between us, but sometimes it might not be right. I should have the balls to say if he is going to treat me as a friend, then a friend is all he will get in return. Not vindictively but truthfully.

 

In the beginning of next month I will be going back to the old city and have asked him if he would like to hang out. He is keen but I am feeling as if I need to make sure he knows how I feel and that it’s highly likely I won’t be physical with him.

I need to stop opting for short-term gratification when I know my happiness lies in long-term compatibility.

I know in my heart I’m ready for love.

 

Anxiety · Happiness · life · Personal · relationships

Sometimes It’s Hard To Be Diplomatic With Friends

Lately things for me having been not so easy; not terrible, just not easy. My overall health is up, then down, then UP, then DOWN, and may father’s health has sort of been the same. I have a friend that is not doing so great with her mental health and my father’s mother’s dementia is getting worse and worse – so phone calls are pretty intense for him.

This is all not helped by the progressive lack of sleep I’m getting…

So for me, right now, at this present time in my life, I am going out of my way to avoid anything that doesn’t lift my spirits.

In fact, I think that is one of the reasons why I’m still chatting away with my ex. He is the kind of person that makes people laugh and smile just by laughing and smiling himself.

One of my close friends, who’s been there with me for a long time, has started to become a little too negative. He is not a negative person but it seems as though every time I’ve had a conversation with him lately it had a tinge of bad.

At the moment I’m not strong enough to carry any empathetic weight, especially with lack of sleep, I’m finding it difficult enough not to go off at my parents for absolutely no reason other than I feel like *beep*.

A few nights ago I had a great, friendly conversation with my ex and I was feeling happier. Then, since I was in a better mood, I decided to check up on this friend only to have him tell me all these things that had gone wrong not just with him, but also around him, with people I don’t even know.

Well I just had to put my phone down. I’d completely lost my happiness mojo, just like that.

Again, not trying to be a bitch here. Ordinarily I would talk things through with him but I honestly just don’t have the reserves.

Anyway, rather than piss and moan about it, I decided to just approach it like an adult. Was honest and told him last night that I thought his mood had nose dived a lot lately and I wasn’t sure whether or not that was just because he was offloading onto me. I suggested that maybe the whole “share house” situation he was in, while good to save money in hopes of getting your own place or whatever you might be saving for, was not helping with HIS mental well-being.

He agreed and admitted to me that I only get to hear the worst parts because I’m one of his best friends.

But I asserted my boundaries and told him that I couldn’t be there for him in every instance – not forever and ever, just for the meantime.

He sort of misunderstood what it was I was saying, taking it a bit personally and saying “I didn’t realise it was all the time” which I had to clear up to say I didn’t think he was being negative ALL the time, but he was just dumping all of his negativity onto ME all the time. I mean if I’m one of only a few he can talk to about stuff, and I’m almost always available to chat, then I’m probably going to be on the receiving end of most of it.

Besides it wasn’t actually even about him. People have problems/troubles in their lives and they go to their friends for help. It’s a normal thing to do. It’s just not a good time for me and sometimes I do need a rest from taking things on board, especially when I’m struggling a bit with my own stuff.

 

I hope I was as diplomatic as possible with it. He sent me a picture of a dancing lemur through instagram this morning so I suppose all is okay.

 

 

 

life · Personal

What I Managed To Do Today

My day and what I am happy I accomplished.

One.
I had a nice, warm shower because the weather here in Australia has FINALLY decided to cut us some slack. I love warm showers. Some days I don’t feel up to having a shower, let alone enjoy it, so it was a big win.

Two.
I’ve finally begun to feel somewhat creative. I actually WANTED to sit down and draw. In the end I managed to semi-figure out what I’m going to paint on my blank canvas I prepped about 3 weeks ago. I just keep staring at it letting my imagination run wild.

Three.
It’s tied in with number two but I am proud of myself for actually physically dragging my butt outside and sitting down to paint. A lot of the time I do “feel” creative but I don’t get that urge to actually do it. I just sit with ideas swirling.

Four.
I covered some rocks in glow-in-the dark paint. I brought said paint to use in my artworks but it is very difficult to spread and I’m still learning (or deciding if I still want to use it). I decided to give it another go with this new painting and then covered the rocks to use along the garden path.

Five.
Ate half a chocolate Easter bunny. Hey, it’s an accomplishment.

Six.
Helped my father move some bits and pieces around the farm. He is trying to clean the place up because stuff has begun to accumulate. I’m not sure if it’s because my parents might want to sell this place soon or just getting it out of the way before he is too old to do it. Either way I’m happy that I can help out.

Seven.
I got excited. I haven’t allowed myself to get excited about much lately (because of personal reasons) but I feel as though I’m now in a place where I can let myself be happy and think about the future. Get “fired up” so to speak – inside joke with myself because I’m a fire sign.

 

 

Anxiety · Happiness · humour · life · Personal · Stress

The Thoughts You Have When You Just Let Them Come

For the first time in a long time I didn’t go to work today because of depression.

I woke up when my alarm went off at 7am, but I immediately told my supervisor I wasn’t going to come in and went back to sleep.

And of course this made me feel guilty – I could have gone to work, and it probably would have given me a sense of purpose for those 7 hours – and in the past that guilt would have gotten to me.

But there’s no point in wasting a day to guilt.

Yes, from time to time I do get depression. Sometimes I’ll fight through it and turn up where ever I need to be, and sometimes fighting just doesn’t seem like a viable option and today was one of those days.

So I knew that a sense of purpose was going to be my saviour. Nothing knocks depression on the head quite like it.

When I sat on the couch and looked out the window I thought to myself, well, it has been raining a lot lately, and I can’t remember the last time I went out into sunlight – perhaps I am low in vitamin D?

I pulled off my “lazy day” clothes and put on some comfortable walking clothes, convincing myself that a walk would do me good.

And it actually did. It took my mind off thinking about nothing, and I learned that many people in my neighbourhood own swimming pools. It felt good to be in the sunlight, even if it is summer and while I was walking around I felt a renewed drive to paint again.

So, when I got home I jumped right into my little art space and began work on my tiger. I was hard because I wasn’t feeling completely passionate about it, but painting is the only time when I’m focused enough on one thing that nothing else can get into my mind… with the exception of playing music.

After awhile my legs got sore and stiff, so I had to break for lunch.

While I was eating lunch I though to myself, it would probably be easier to paint standing up rather than sitting on the floor.

I looked around my apartment for something that I might be able to use as a pedestal, and then it hit me – the roller I use for the bird’s cage. I tested the height and, yes! It would work perfectly.

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When I’d managed to sort all that out I decided to jump on my computer and have a look at what the rental market had to offer – turns out, nothing. Oh well, when it’s the right time and the right place, I’ll know.

Then, I clicked over to the job pages to see what was going. A couple of them caught my eye, two in particular. Both working for, what sounded like, lovely local businesses and oddly enough both to do with health. Eventually, though, one seemed to stand out more to me (also, less qualifications were needed for it – and I didn’t have the right ones for the other) and then I spend the rest of the afternoon buried in writing a cover letter and updating my resume.

At a couple of minutes past 6pm I hit “send” and so I suppose the rest isn’t up to me. At least I gave it another go though. You fall down seven times, you get up eight, right?

 

The point of this day seems to be that my mind is finally grasping the idea that if something’s not working the way you’ve always done it, then perhaps it’s just a simple change that’s needed to make it work. It stood out a lot to be in regard to painting. Why was I putting up with sitting on the floor and letting my knees go through hell when I could simply stand up and paint?

That’s also how I feel about moving at the moment – what’s the point in going somewhere else to feel empty? Sure, my neighbours can be annoying, but everyone, everywhere can be annoying. What matters right now is getting my shit together so that I can live the way I want/deserve to live.

I also watched a couple of TedX videos that changed my perception on a few things and another video on my FaceBook timeline about being a craftsperson/artist and charging for what you think your day is worth.

In that moment I thought, well, what am I worth? Not just in regard to art but everything. Not what anyone else thinks I’m worth, but what I think without comparison to anyone elses life.

And I made the realisation that I am worth everything.

Anxiety · Happiness · Humor · humour · life · Love · Personal · relationships

Irony

I am not someone that would be lost without my phone. If you challenged me not to use it for a week, I would probably up the reward because it would be money in the bank.

That being said, I have it around me a lot when I’m bored… because I’m bored.

I talk to people on it because I am about to pool into mush of boredom.

Ironically, whenever I am in the mood to talk to people they are no where to be found…

…and when I say, “right that’s it! no more phone! Time to get busy” I find things like my romantic interest standing at my door for twenty minutes waiting for me to hear him knock happening. I am in the zone, feeling inspired finally to create a work of art or what have you, and there’s always someone to interrupt!

Later, when my romantic interest finally leaves 2 hours later (even though he was only stopping for 5 minutes), I had him, my best friend and my ex partner, who is now one of my best friends, all messaging me at once.

So much for Dad’s Christmas present, right?

There is another instance where this happens a lot, and that’s with work. When I’m a casual they almost ALWAYS call me to come in on a day I feel like utter crap! Really? Hahahaha

Anyone else find that this irony follows them around?