Happiness · Health · life · Personal

Sleepy Spell

Wore myself out a bit today, but it was welcomed.

I dug in the garden – my father has fluid in his legs and knees and so is unable to bend at the moment. I planted some garlic for him and then weeded and mulched the area where we get asparagus.

I couldn’t really seem to sit still all day because when I did I would want to fall asleep. Not just “oh, I’m sort of tired right now” but if I closed my eyes for even a moment I would be pulled into a really deep sleep. This is unusual for me. It takes me a long time to drift off.

I suspect after all the hard work I’ve put in my gut wall has been damaged… yet again. What’s there to say besides time to heal it once more.

 

It seems I’m having another kind of lull in activity around me. I suppose any other person would feel very bored but I just take this all as it comes.

I listened to a recording today that said the definition of abundance was “the ability to do whatever you need to do, when you need to do it” and as I sat on the grass today and stared up at the sky I thought, well then my life is full of abundance.

I have an abundance of time. I have an abundance of good people around me. I have an abundance of nature to walk in. I have an abundance of good food I can eat, and rain water to drink. I have an abundance of choice. I have an abundance of ways to express myself.

I am able to experience all this when I need to; to go for a walk, to express myself, to eat and drink, and to be with those I love. I tried to parlay that knowledge into gratitude however my feelings and emotions aren’t quite there yet. I’m sure they’ll catch up soon.

 

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Anxiety · Happiness · Health · relationships

Inspired Action

I’ve been offline for most of my time these days. It’s not as though I feel I’ve needed any “break” but I just don’t feel inspired. The only type of “online” that I tend to do is Instagram because that is easy. I don’t need much effort at all to point my phone camera at something and share it with the world.

I mean, have you ever found yourself in life limbo? You’re not willing to keep pushing the same ‘past you’ around, but you’re not quite to the new you yet… so you kind of potter around, aimlessly, waiting for that inspiration to strike.

“Of course! That’s who I am. Onwards!”

I have every faith that things will eventually fall into place but in the meantime I’m… well I don’t even want to say “wasting my time” because how can you be wasting time if you’re yet to set an end point to reach? Well, I certainly don’t think I am anyway.

 

In regard to my last post about letting things go I don’t think I gave myself enough credit; there are some things I have let go of that I didn’t even notice until a couple of days ago. I realised that I’d let go of caring what other people think of me.

If I were to look at myself and my life from an outside perspective it would, of course, look as if I am doing nothing, I have no job, no partner, no children, and it would seem I do the same thing every day. Get up, eat, drink, farm work, watch some tv, eat, drink, and then sleep. Meanwhile, my priority has been set at bettering myself mentally, emotionally and physically (something that is personal and I’m not going to share with others) – and all of that stuff, obviously, you can’t see… until, of course, you finally tip everything in your favour and then THAT’S when the progress will be obvious.

I realised that the anxiety and panic I’ve had in my life has taught me to care more and more about my own healing, my own point of view about myself, rather than take what others say to heart.

I’ve had my parents, family, boyfriends, friends, bosses, random people tell me I wasn’t trying hard enough when I was! So I was generally doing my best everyday PLUS trying to prove these people wrong and I just got tired of it.

There is unnecessary stress in the pressures society and others will place on us and I just couldn’t be bothered to care anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to walk outside with no clothes or any such thing to prove this, but you must get what I mean.

So hooray! I can at least let go of some things, so that’s a good sign it might become easier in the future.

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Health · Love

Letting Go

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been thinking of the concept of letting things go. Some people find it very, very easy to let go of something and move forward while others, such as myself, really struggle with this concept.

I’ve tried many different ways of letting go. I’ve tried pretending I don’t care, I’ve tried distance, I’ve tried destruction and I’ve tried forgetting. I’ve tried coming to peace with it, I’ve tried altering beliefs in order to give it up and I’ve tried forcing myself.

But I still struggle with letting go and I have no idea why.

It’s probably the best time now to explain that I’m talking about letting go of fears and doubts rather than actual, physical objects.

I read recently that the only reason people hang onto things is because they think it’s useful for them; I mean it’s actually useful to be afraid of snakes, especially in Australia, because chances are it’s extremely poisonous – thus, you keep your distance and not go up and give it a hug.

Then there are the irrational fears, the fears or doubts you can’t quite put your finger on. For example, it’s irrational (to me, at least) to be afraid to stand up for yourself, and I would love nothing better than to have my own back. However, if I’m faced with a situation where I need to hold my own I completely freeze. I’m one of those people that can think of the absolute best comebacks a day after I’m confronted.

It’s also common to hold onto things because they once made you happy, and I do this too mostly with relationships. I’m a clinger, and I probably would never have admitted to that even just 2 months ago. In this case I would love nothing better than to love myself enough to just let go of something (or someone) that is not working, but instead I have to try and “make it work” just because they make, or made, me feel happy.

Even within the acceptance of my own behaviour it is STILL not enough to let it go. Even holding up a mirror to my own actions and seeing it from a logical place cannot convince my emotions to see it the same way.

It has only been quite recently that I realised a part of me was terrified of relationships.

Me. The wonderful lady with the kind heart is TERRIFIED of men.

For a while there I was blaming my body for not knowing the difference between excitement and fear (which is the way a lot of specialists have tried too pass off my anxiety) but once I started putting two and two together, that I’ve always been very skittish and nervous around romantic interests, that got me thinking – maybe it’s not my body, maybe it’s me.

I couldn’t work out why most of my first dates had me freaking out, unable to eat, unable to relax until I’d had a full on panic breakdown. Then, as the relationship progressed I had to become a fraction of who I really am in order to survive in it.

I mean I LOVE to love. It’s my thing, So how on earth could I be acting this way in regard to relationships.

I still don’t know the answer. I’ve never had a situation in my life that would warrant this kind of response, but knowing me I will eventually find out.

 

I guess my point is that over my 30 odd years of being alive I can now pick out my patterns, try my best to change or overcome them, but find myself no closer to letting them go. So many times I’m told “just get over it”, “move on”, “you can do it” but, like, HOW? I’ve been trying for years but I just seem to be missing the Letting Shit Go gene.

 

 

Anxiety · Health · Personal · relationships

Hot And Cold

I managed to do a little bit of drawing last night, nothing planned, no goals or anything, just picked something a drew it.

I decided to draw a dragon head again – I used a goat’s head as a reference because the two are very similar, what with the horns and everything, and I tried to make it all vicious but it just turned into a very sweet looking, wise lady dragon.

 

I wasn’t feeling as energetic today. I let the chickens and duck out for a while but it was windy and cold, so I just collected some wood and dragged myself around the house.

It was just one of those days to spend inside. At the moment days just blend into each other. Tonight I was going to do some more drawing but I’m not feeling up to it, I had a shower instead. But why not do both you might ask. Some days I only have energy enough for one. Hahaha.

 

Today was an “up” day in regard to my ex-boyfriend. Even I was surprised. He must have woken up on the right side of the bed. That song sung by Katy Perry, what is it? Hot and Cold? I never met anyone who filled that song’s shoes more than him at the moment.

 

My friend’s housemate almost burned their rental down. He tried to cook something but then decided to go out and left oil in the pan on the stove. Thankfully my friend got home a quarter of an hour earlier than when he had planned and caught the fire before it spread too much.

I do honestly wonder what happens in these people’s minds. He must have had a lot on his mind.

 

So that’s it for today. I’ve settled in with my parents to watch The Spy Who Loved or something like that and little Monkey perked on top of my laptop. Little Sandy has made herself a little nesting place and so she’s busy with that.

 

Happiness · Health · Personal · relationships

He’s Back

On Saturday night I had a real pang of feeling lonely. Not alone, because I’m perfectly okay with that, but I suddenly just felt really isolated.

One of my exes (the one I referred to as my partner in a lot of the old posts on here) asked if he could visit with his wife (yes, he is already married) and I agreed. I am honestly one-hundred-per-cent happy for him and at this point would welcome any sort of visit to break up my days.

But the whole thing ushered in feelings of sadness. As in, “someone come and hold me right now.” The kind where you miss physical contact of a loved one.

Prior to this sudden feeling of loss I’ve done pretty well over the last three weeks. My current ex stopped chatting with me, I stopped chatting with him. It took a couple of days but soon enough I sort of didn’t really notice. In fact, it’s as if I’ve come to terms with it all now and I’m pretty much enjoying looking after myself and being single.

Well perhaps his radar went off, or maybe I was picking up on his loneliness, I don’t know but later that night (or should I say early Sunday morning) I received a message from my ex. It was short. It said simply: “Woman I hope you’re doing ok” with a smiley face.

I’m not going to get into the words he used because I could be here forever on that but I was surprised because I sincerely thought he was finished with me or that, perhaps, he had met someone else to “have fun with” and felt awkward continuing things with me.

It went from me sending him messages three weeks ago and him not even bothering to continue a conversation to us starting some back and forth two days ago and even him sending me follow up messages if he gave a short response to elaborated more. We’re still talking as if we never stopped and nobody has addressed why we stopped in the first place – I think we both must feel there’s no need.

However he is still the same old ex. Still keeping his emotions very close to his chest, still pretending he doesn’t care about things when we both know he does, and being somewhat negative about certain things and believing I’m not pushing myself.

For example, I mentioned a time at work where we made out in what was essentially a very public space and he laughed and said he remembered that. Then, his next message was something we didn’t do and proceeded to say “not cool.”

In these sort of situations in the past I have, I supposed, wanted to reassure him or defend myself but this time I called him a Negative Nancy and said “boo-fucking-ho.”

Look I’m not saying that I don’t love him anymore, or that I don’t care about him, but it’s more the fact that my self-esteem and self-worth are pretty high up at the moment and I’m not going to a) apologise for the past, and/or b) apologise for a mental health condition I have no control over (at times.)

It’s that age old saying “I love you but I love me more” and if I’m able to love him for everything that he is including all the not-so-good stuff then he needs to learn how to do the same for me or there is no future here.

 

In other news I brought some new-beaut paint pens! They are giant pens with acrylic paint in them! The future is now!

Sometimes I have a really great idea for a painting in my mind but with the tools I have in regard to acrylic paints and paintbrushes it’s as if I won’t be able to convey it. Sometimes I just need extra control that a paintbrush can’t offer or as if I have to be holding a pencil to get the idea down – so when I saw these online I decided to splurge $100 to try them. They could be REALLY handy for minute detail that I’ve always wanted to put into paintings but was unable to do.

I should really whip out a canvas and try out all the cool art supplies I’ve brought over the past few months.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Health · relationships

Playing Online Passive-Aggressiveness Games (Or, Why Is It Okay To Be Afraid Of Some Things But Not Others?)

When I woke up this morning I decided to have a quick scroll through Facebook. I don’t know why because it’s always super boring. The best part is leaving Facebook for like a year and coming back to all the change. Anyway, I’m digressing.

I saw a picture of a text between two people – you’ve probably seen it on social media because I had seen it before – where one person was telling another why he didn’t want to fall in love.

why-do-you-fear-falling-in-love-so-much-daniel-8230775

You can ignore that last bit, it’s just part of the meme.

My first thought was why is this on my timeline? and when I saw that my ex had liked it my next thought was yeah figures.

Then I got a little bit angry but probably not for the reason you may think.

The reason I began to get a little bit uppity was the “fear” aspect of this and why it’s perfectly acceptable for someone to be afraid to fall in love/commit to a relationship because of the anxiety and discomfort of old experiences…

…but it’s not okay for me to become overwhelmed with anxiety and discomfort for a) sometimes no reason, or b) for a so-called “irrational” one?

Really.

It is becoming quite comical for me to see the hypocrisy when people, more specifically my romantic partners, tell me to just “get over” my anxiety when they don’t even bother facing their own discomforts.

To be clear I’m NOT having a go at him for not being in a relationship with me and I DO recognise that people need time in order to heal after breakups .

The reason why I am so vocal about this is because he has been open with me about being aware how his shutting down is negatively affecting his life. It’s at the point now where I could say it’s just as bad as anxiety negatively affecting mine.

But just because my mental illness is seen as being irrational and his is being rational no one is telling him to just “suck it up” and “face your fears!”

So, to be passive-aggressive I liked a picture on my facebook timeline that said the following:

Magic happens when you don’t give up.

Even though you want to.

The universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart.

And then, just to rub it in, I liked this one too:

Attitude is a choice.

What you think you can do, whether positive or negative, confident or scared, will most likely happen.

And just to make it less obvious I also liked a post on a science page that wrote an article about how you may live longer if you eat 10 servings of fruit and vegetables a day or something; it was a good cover because I am vegetarian and I do agree with that anyway.

I’m obviously not trying to be mean or anything like that but how can you help someone that doesn’t want to be helped? You can’t. All you can do is try and offer a different way of viewing a situation and being accepting of the life choices someone else makes.

In fact, writing something along the lines of this to him might actually get him to understand my mental illness because he has something to compare it to.

That’s an idea.

But really it is up to the individual. We try to cope as best we can and seeking out help is a totally personal experience. Just as he could spend the rest of his life denying his fears and not entering into another relationship I could just as easily try and live my life ignoring my mental health.

It’s up to us.

 

 

 

Agoraphobia · Anxiety · Health

When The Subconscious Becomes A Minefield

I’ve come to the conclusion lately that we do have a subconscious and it makes up a large portion of who we are. I’ve had many experiences now where conventional things haven’t given me relief but things focusing on the mind in regard to emotions has.

The subconscious, to me, feels like a place where we store everything. Every word said, every conclusion we’ve made, and also every emotion we’ve felt. That’s why I think it’s so easy sometimes to access memories because it is all there, most commonly triggered by music or smells.

My disclaimer at this point to the people I know are thinking it: whether it is “all in the mind” or not it just proves how powerful our minds actually are.

I don’t know about anyone else out there but I am pretty good at hiding my emotions in this part of myself. I mean, I am an emotional person. No doubt about it. If I were to let myself BE that emotional person I would be on a roller coaster every day – and it makes sense that in order to deal with life that one has to shove most of that deep down in fear of being labeled an “emotional person” who can’t “compose themselves.”

Recently, over the past few days, I’ve had the courage to open my heart up; with it has come some very overwhelming energy. Not the kind I expected, mind you, I thought I would sit in bed crying or being overwhelmed by everything… I am actually feeling it in a very physical way. Normally I would be off to the doctors or hospital however having dealt with anxiety and panic attacks for my whole life I know that these symptoms can be part and parcel of this mental illness.

The only difference now is the fact that my physical life is very comfortable. I live with my parents, I have no obligations to force myself into work, I have no dramas, I live on a farm in nature and I can leisurely do what I choose. I am not thinking negatively – I’m not sitting up nights thinking about the future or worrying about what I’m going to do with my life – and I treat myself with kindness a lot of the time.

This feeling is what I would expect if I was about to do something major like give a speech in front of hundreds of people, or go on a date, or fly on a plane… yet I’m sitting in my parents lounge room.

Which makes me wonder, what’s going on in my subconscious right now?

What is it trying to tell me?

I mean I even had a dream about zombies last night and I haven’t had a dream about zombies for a loooooong time.

It’s almost as if there’s a river of emotion trying to come out but I still have it blocked up. You know what I mean? When we’re nervous about doing something like taking a flight or going on a date for the first time there is so much we’re experiencing so it sort of just all piles up in the heart. Like Mr. Burns’ 3 Stooges disease.

indestructible

It’s almost as if you have to prove to your subconscious that you’re ready to deal with it – or perhaps set up some kind of system in order to work through it. I don’t know, I’m just throwing out ideas here.

Either way I’ve come to the conclusion that bottling up everything is just as worse as having outburst of emotion when they come. Perhaps worse? At least when those people have their “outbursts” they are dealing with the emotion when it hits them but I’m stuffing it in my bag saying “I’ll deal with that later” and I never do.

I mean just when I think I couldn’t learn everything else about myself I do! We never stop learning.

What do you think?