Anxiety · Health · Personal · relationships

Hot And Cold

I managed to do a little bit of drawing last night, nothing planned, no goals or anything, just picked something a drew it.

I decided to draw a dragon head again – I used a goat’s head as a reference because the two are very similar, what with the horns and everything, and I tried to make it all vicious but it just turned into a very sweet looking, wise lady dragon.

 

I wasn’t feeling as energetic today. I let the chickens and duck out for a while but it was windy and cold, so I just collected some wood and dragged myself around the house.

It was just one of those days to spend inside. At the moment days just blend into each other. Tonight I was going to do some more drawing but I’m not feeling up to it, I had a shower instead. But why not do both you might ask. Some days I only have energy enough for one. Hahaha.

 

Today was an “up” day in regard to my ex-boyfriend. Even I was surprised. He must have woken up on the right side of the bed. That song sung by Katy Perry, what is it? Hot and Cold? I never met anyone who filled that song’s shoes more than him at the moment.

 

My friend’s housemate almost burned their rental down. He tried to cook something but then decided to go out and left oil in the pan on the stove. Thankfully my friend got home a quarter of an hour earlier than when he had planned and caught the fire before it spread too much.

I do honestly wonder what happens in these people’s minds. He must have had a lot on his mind.

 

So that’s it for today. I’ve settled in with my parents to watch The Spy Who Loved or something like that and little Monkey perked on top of my laptop. Little Sandy has made herself a little nesting place and so she’s busy with that.

 

Happiness · Health · Personal · relationships

He’s Back

On Saturday night I had a real pang of feeling lonely. Not alone, because I’m perfectly okay with that, but I suddenly just felt really isolated.

One of my exes (the one I referred to as my partner in a lot of the old posts on here) asked if he could visit with his wife (yes, he is already married) and I agreed. I am honestly one-hundred-per-cent happy for him and at this point would welcome any sort of visit to break up my days.

But the whole thing ushered in feelings of sadness. As in, “someone come and hold me right now.” The kind where you miss physical contact of a loved one.

Prior to this sudden feeling of loss I’ve done pretty well over the last three weeks. My current ex stopped chatting with me, I stopped chatting with him. It took a couple of days but soon enough I sort of didn’t really notice. In fact, it’s as if I’ve come to terms with it all now and I’m pretty much enjoying looking after myself and being single.

Well perhaps his radar went off, or maybe I was picking up on his loneliness, I don’t know but later that night (or should I say early Sunday morning) I received a message from my ex. It was short. It said simply: “Woman I hope you’re doing ok” with a smiley face.

I’m not going to get into the words he used because I could be here forever on that but I was surprised because I sincerely thought he was finished with me or that, perhaps, he had met someone else to “have fun with” and felt awkward continuing things with me.

It went from me sending him messages three weeks ago and him not even bothering to continue a conversation to us starting some back and forth two days ago and even him sending me follow up messages if he gave a short response to elaborated more. We’re still talking as if we never stopped and nobody has addressed why we stopped in the first place – I think we both must feel there’s no need.

However he is still the same old ex. Still keeping his emotions very close to his chest, still pretending he doesn’t care about things when we both know he does, and being somewhat negative about certain things and believing I’m not pushing myself.

For example, I mentioned a time at work where we made out in what was essentially a very public space and he laughed and said he remembered that. Then, his next message was something we didn’t do and proceeded to say “not cool.”

In these sort of situations in the past I have, I supposed, wanted to reassure him or defend myself but this time I called him a Negative Nancy and said “boo-fucking-ho.”

Look I’m not saying that I don’t love him anymore, or that I don’t care about him, but it’s more the fact that my self-esteem and self-worth are pretty high up at the moment and I’m not going to a) apologise for the past, and/or b) apologise for a mental health condition I have no control over (at times.)

It’s that age old saying “I love you but I love me more” and if I’m able to love him for everything that he is including all the not-so-good stuff then he needs to learn how to do the same for me or there is no future here.

 

In other news I brought some new-beaut paint pens! They are giant pens with acrylic paint in them! The future is now!

Sometimes I have a really great idea for a painting in my mind but with the tools I have in regard to acrylic paints and paintbrushes it’s as if I won’t be able to convey it. Sometimes I just need extra control that a paintbrush can’t offer or as if I have to be holding a pencil to get the idea down – so when I saw these online I decided to splurge $100 to try them. They could be REALLY handy for minute detail that I’ve always wanted to put into paintings but was unable to do.

I should really whip out a canvas and try out all the cool art supplies I’ve brought over the past few months.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Health · relationships

Playing Online Passive-Aggressiveness Games (Or, Why Is It Okay To Be Afraid Of Some Things But Not Others?)

When I woke up this morning I decided to have a quick scroll through Facebook. I don’t know why because it’s always super boring. The best part is leaving Facebook for like a year and coming back to all the change. Anyway, I’m digressing.

I saw a picture of a text between two people – you’ve probably seen it on social media because I had seen it before – where one person was telling another why he didn’t want to fall in love.

why-do-you-fear-falling-in-love-so-much-daniel-8230775

You can ignore that last bit, it’s just part of the meme.

My first thought was why is this on my timeline? and when I saw that my ex had liked it my next thought was yeah figures.

Then I got a little bit angry but probably not for the reason you may think.

The reason I began to get a little bit uppity was the “fear” aspect of this and why it’s perfectly acceptable for someone to be afraid to fall in love/commit to a relationship because of the anxiety and discomfort of old experiences…

…but it’s not okay for me to become overwhelmed with anxiety and discomfort for a) sometimes no reason, or b) for a so-called “irrational” one?

Really.

It is becoming quite comical for me to see the hypocrisy when people, more specifically my romantic partners, tell me to just “get over” my anxiety when they don’t even bother facing their own discomforts.

To be clear I’m NOT having a go at him for not being in a relationship with me and I DO recognise that people need time in order to heal after breakups .

The reason why I am so vocal about this is because he has been open with me about being aware how his shutting down is negatively affecting his life. It’s at the point now where I could say it’s just as bad as anxiety negatively affecting mine.

But just because my mental illness is seen as being irrational and his is being rational no one is telling him to just “suck it up” and “face your fears!”

So, to be passive-aggressive I liked a picture on my facebook timeline that said the following:

Magic happens when you don’t give up.

Even though you want to.

The universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart.

And then, just to rub it in, I liked this one too:

Attitude is a choice.

What you think you can do, whether positive or negative, confident or scared, will most likely happen.

And just to make it less obvious I also liked a post on a science page that wrote an article about how you may live longer if you eat 10 servings of fruit and vegetables a day or something; it was a good cover because I am vegetarian and I do agree with that anyway.

I’m obviously not trying to be mean or anything like that but how can you help someone that doesn’t want to be helped? You can’t. All you can do is try and offer a different way of viewing a situation and being accepting of the life choices someone else makes.

In fact, writing something along the lines of this to him might actually get him to understand my mental illness because he has something to compare it to.

That’s an idea.

But really it is up to the individual. We try to cope as best we can and seeking out help is a totally personal experience. Just as he could spend the rest of his life denying his fears and not entering into another relationship I could just as easily try and live my life ignoring my mental health.

It’s up to us.

 

 

 

Agoraphobia · Anxiety · Health

When The Subconscious Becomes A Minefield

I’ve come to the conclusion lately that we do have a subconscious and it makes up a large portion of who we are. I’ve had many experiences now where conventional things haven’t given me relief but things focusing on the mind in regard to emotions has.

The subconscious, to me, feels like a place where we store everything. Every word said, every conclusion we’ve made, and also every emotion we’ve felt. That’s why I think it’s so easy sometimes to access memories because it is all there, most commonly triggered by music or smells.

My disclaimer at this point to the people I know are thinking it: whether it is “all in the mind” or not it just proves how powerful our minds actually are.

I don’t know about anyone else out there but I am pretty good at hiding my emotions in this part of myself. I mean, I am an emotional person. No doubt about it. If I were to let myself BE that emotional person I would be on a roller coaster every day – and it makes sense that in order to deal with life that one has to shove most of that deep down in fear of being labeled an “emotional person” who can’t “compose themselves.”

Recently, over the past few days, I’ve had the courage to open my heart up; with it has come some very overwhelming energy. Not the kind I expected, mind you, I thought I would sit in bed crying or being overwhelmed by everything… I am actually feeling it in a very physical way. Normally I would be off to the doctors or hospital however having dealt with anxiety and panic attacks for my whole life I know that these symptoms can be part and parcel of this mental illness.

The only difference now is the fact that my physical life is very comfortable. I live with my parents, I have no obligations to force myself into work, I have no dramas, I live on a farm in nature and I can leisurely do what I choose. I am not thinking negatively – I’m not sitting up nights thinking about the future or worrying about what I’m going to do with my life – and I treat myself with kindness a lot of the time.

This feeling is what I would expect if I was about to do something major like give a speech in front of hundreds of people, or go on a date, or fly on a plane… yet I’m sitting in my parents lounge room.

Which makes me wonder, what’s going on in my subconscious right now?

What is it trying to tell me?

I mean I even had a dream about zombies last night and I haven’t had a dream about zombies for a loooooong time.

It’s almost as if there’s a river of emotion trying to come out but I still have it blocked up. You know what I mean? When we’re nervous about doing something like taking a flight or going on a date for the first time there is so much we’re experiencing so it sort of just all piles up in the heart. Like Mr. Burns’ 3 Stooges disease.

indestructible

It’s almost as if you have to prove to your subconscious that you’re ready to deal with it – or perhaps set up some kind of system in order to work through it. I don’t know, I’m just throwing out ideas here.

Either way I’ve come to the conclusion that bottling up everything is just as worse as having outburst of emotion when they come. Perhaps worse? At least when those people have their “outbursts” they are dealing with the emotion when it hits them but I’m stuffing it in my bag saying “I’ll deal with that later” and I never do.

I mean just when I think I couldn’t learn everything else about myself I do! We never stop learning.

What do you think?

Health · Relationship · relationships

Exes And Weddings

A couple of months ago I was invited to an ex-boyfriend’s wedding.

If there is anyone out there reading this who is weirded out let me tell you there is no need. I won’t go into why I remain friends with my exes (and let me assure you it’s only the exes who are kind to me), that’s probably a post for another time.

At the moment my beef is whether or not I want to go. Not because of awkwardness or any of that crap but I am still not in a good place with my physical/mental/emotional health. Don’t get me wrong I don’t expect to be perfect but I do want to at least enjoy myself if I go somewhere – at the moment I’m not sure if that’s possible. The days I have are just way too unpredictable; some days I wake up feeling great (or my version of that) and some I wake feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus.

I don’t have too long to decide as the wedding is next weekend. January just sort of sneaked up on me.

There are pros of attending.

One is the fact that I’ll finally have been to a wedding. The last one I went to was when I was about 9 or 10 years old and my mental health ruled out going to any of my school friend’s weddings.

The second is seeing some friends that I met through my ex boyfriend, one of whom I am close to and it would be nice to see her. She also informs me that the cake will be gluten free.

Third being the possibility of seeing my current ex-boyfriend. He and I still talk despite his declaration earlier in our relationship that exes can’t be friends. He informs me that is because we weren’t technically together for all that long but I know he still talks to me for the same reason all the others do (also a story for another time). The wedding itself will only be a few blocks away from where he works so I could pop in.

Fourth is the mere thrill of getting out of the house. Ever since I became very sick I haven’t even been into town. The last place I went with my mother was to the local pet shop to buy some bird seed. At this stage I wouldn’t even brave the mall. However I am a little concerned that a trip to the city might be a jump that’s too big.

The cons aren’t really that big in a sense but big enough to put me off.

I would have to take my parents as I need to actually get to the event and stay in the city and unfortunately my mental health wouldn’t even allow for me to do something normal like catch the train, get an Uber or stay at my friend’s house.

It’s also during the hottest part of the year. For someone who doesn’t like the heat (or at least the dry, windy heat) and has parents who are ailing and actually quite sick, they have opted for an outside wedding. This isn’t a huge affair (on the invitation it says “water and snacks will be available”) but this means that if a certain someone is feeling sick, anxious and needing to use the restroom it’s highly unlikely that I will be able to enjoy myself.

More and more I’m liking the idea of skipping the whole thing and sending a card/letter with some money to wish them luck; also suggesting that we all meet up later in the year (when I am feeling better, hopefully) to celebrate and catch up…

…but there is that feeling that says, “yeah, but what if you do go” and I know when I have those there is a hope I will actually have fun.

 

No matter what I decided to do with this whole situation I still need to get to a point where I am able to go out. One of my very good friends is having a 30th birthday celebration a week after this wedding and it would be very, very poor form of me not to go. This friend has been there for me for a long time despite all the shit I put him through when my mental illness rears it’s ugly head.

Really I don’t have a good enough excuse because it is here in the town I am currently living in.

At the end of the day all I can really do is try my best, but make sure I am actually trying my absolute best.

Anxiety · Health

Days Like These

Days like these are the hardest.

Days when you don’t want to get out of bed because you’re really not sure if you can face what life has in store. Not in any sort of depressive way, mind you; shit just piles up and without something to look forward to it really drains the spirits.

Days when you’re almost in tears watching your father have yet another fight with chronic asthma (and has been that way ever since you can remember). I think it’s harder when you get older because you don’t want to see your parents in pain – and a part of you is also well aware of the frailty of life.

Days when for no reason at all panic is at the highest peak and you feel like saying, “I’m sorry but I can’t do this” even though all you’re doing is sitting in the lounge room with your parents, on a farm, with absolutely no obligations or responsibilities.

Days when you feel desperate for any kind of distraction from all of it but your phone is deadly silent. Your best friend has left on a trip to Europe, your ex-boyfriend is still not messaging (and you’re actually not even sure why that’s the case anymore and becoming quite bored with the whole thing now) and your other ex boyfriend/ex business partner is busy moving in to an apartment with his wife-to-be. Not that they are my only contact with the outside world, but they are the ones that chat most often.

I wish I could distract myself but I am so far into fog land that I can’t even think of a way to finish this sentence.

 

And it’s days like these that really make me pine for my old life. Not all of it; mostly just last year. Moving out on my own, going to work, being a functioning member of society, having fun, making new friends, having a lover but most of all not one single moment of panic. Anxiety, sometimes, but panic, never.

Most of all it was the discovery of my true self, the real me, the independent me that I know I am, and then to have that ripped away…

…that’s the hardest part of days like these.

Anxiety · Happiness · Health · Personal

Stop The Fight

For such a long time now I’ve wanted to transition from whatever the hell I was calling life to something completely different. The hard thing about it all was trying to be a new, “improved” version of myself and then dragging along all the crap of who I used to be expecting the two to somehow magically mesh together.

I thought that May was going to be the toughest month this year but June ended up pretty much a catalyst to a total life change.

The interesting thing about stress with an anxiety prone person such as myself is the stress compiles rather than subsiding, even if the stressful situation is over or deal with. I had got myself into such a state that without even knowing it I was out of my mind with anxiety. Thankfully with all the tools my acupuncturist has taught me I managed to keep my head above water…

…that was until I tried to take Zoloft again.

The drug made me react as if I had poisoned myself. The whole day I was disorientated, gagging, and unable to either calm myself down or eat/drink. Thankfully my old ex boyfriend was able to drive me back to my parents after he finished work and I spent the next few days laying on the couch trying to navigate the minefield that my solar plexus was experiencing.

I’ve not really been the same since then, although I’m not going to blame the drug for that, but I am so glad that I am back at my parent’s home.

During the horrible panic and anxiety I was feeling I had to let it all go.

My old life. I realised that it wasn’t working.

The place I am forcing myself to work, and have been forcing myself to stay at for 6 years, why was I doing that to myself? So I can rent an apartment above, and next to, inconsiderate people and continue to convince myself that being alone was what I enjoyed? That no matter what was going on around me I had the choice to be happy even though everything was eating me up inside?

The more I thought about everything the more I wondered why I was stressing myself out. Sure I’m turning 30 this year and I’m suppose to blah, blah, blah but so what?

What was more important to me? Why was I trying to FORCE myself to live a life I clearly am not compatible with?

To spare you the details I decided to give it all up. Give up living alone. Give up the job. Give up the lifestyle. Give up trying to be a partner to someone. Give up the self-deception. Give up how society might view me.

My plan now is to move back into my parents home (although this would be temporary until I feel strong again, and also figure out my next course of action) and maybe, possibly, keep a small base in the city so that when/if I want to go back I have somewhere to go. Talks are already in the works for a small garden flat to be that base.

My ex boyfriend (and now ex business partner – I gave all that up too) is going to look after my apartment and try his best to sell most of the stuff off. I will bring a few things home to my parents either myself or hire a removalist to bring it over.

After making all these choices I’ve already begun to feel lighter and happier. They say making a choice is as simple as deciding on whatever makes you feel good and no matter how big or unsettling the decision is, if it feels good, do it.

I think I should have made this decision when I started craving being part of a family again.

I’ll leave you with some of the pictures I’ve experimented with just over the last few days. Once the stress was gone the real me comes to the surface and I think from now on I’m make life so easy and enjoyable for myself as possible.