Happiness · Health · life · Personal

Sleepy Spell

Wore myself out a bit today, but it was welcomed.

I dug in the garden – my father has fluid in his legs and knees and so is unable to bend at the moment. I planted some garlic for him and then weeded and mulched the area where we get asparagus.

I couldn’t really seem to sit still all day because when I did I would want to fall asleep. Not just “oh, I’m sort of tired right now” but if I closed my eyes for even a moment I would be pulled into a really deep sleep. This is unusual for me. It takes me a long time to drift off.

I suspect after all the hard work I’ve put in my gut wall has been damaged… yet again. What’s there to say besides time to heal it once more.

 

It seems I’m having another kind of lull in activity around me. I suppose any other person would feel very bored but I just take this all as it comes.

I listened to a recording today that said the definition of abundance was “the ability to do whatever you need to do, when you need to do it” and as I sat on the grass today and stared up at the sky I thought, well then my life is full of abundance.

I have an abundance of time. I have an abundance of good people around me. I have an abundance of nature to walk in. I have an abundance of good food I can eat, and rain water to drink. I have an abundance of choice. I have an abundance of ways to express myself.

I am able to experience all this when I need to; to go for a walk, to express myself, to eat and drink, and to be with those I love. I tried to parlay that knowledge into gratitude however my feelings and emotions aren’t quite there yet. I’m sure they’ll catch up soon.

 

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Anxiety · Happiness · Health · relationships

Inspired Action

I’ve been offline for most of my time these days. It’s not as though I feel I’ve needed any “break” but I just don’t feel inspired. The only type of “online” that I tend to do is Instagram because that is easy. I don’t need much effort at all to point my phone camera at something and share it with the world.

I mean, have you ever found yourself in life limbo? You’re not willing to keep pushing the same ‘past you’ around, but you’re not quite to the new you yet… so you kind of potter around, aimlessly, waiting for that inspiration to strike.

“Of course! That’s who I am. Onwards!”

I have every faith that things will eventually fall into place but in the meantime I’m… well I don’t even want to say “wasting my time” because how can you be wasting time if you’re yet to set an end point to reach? Well, I certainly don’t think I am anyway.

 

In regard to my last post about letting things go I don’t think I gave myself enough credit; there are some things I have let go of that I didn’t even notice until a couple of days ago. I realised that I’d let go of caring what other people think of me.

If I were to look at myself and my life from an outside perspective it would, of course, look as if I am doing nothing, I have no job, no partner, no children, and it would seem I do the same thing every day. Get up, eat, drink, farm work, watch some tv, eat, drink, and then sleep. Meanwhile, my priority has been set at bettering myself mentally, emotionally and physically (something that is personal and I’m not going to share with others) – and all of that stuff, obviously, you can’t see… until, of course, you finally tip everything in your favour and then THAT’S when the progress will be obvious.

I realised that the anxiety and panic I’ve had in my life has taught me to care more and more about my own healing, my own point of view about myself, rather than take what others say to heart.

I’ve had my parents, family, boyfriends, friends, bosses, random people tell me I wasn’t trying hard enough when I was! So I was generally doing my best everyday PLUS trying to prove these people wrong and I just got tired of it.

There is unnecessary stress in the pressures society and others will place on us and I just couldn’t be bothered to care anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to walk outside with no clothes or any such thing to prove this, but you must get what I mean.

So hooray! I can at least let go of some things, so that’s a good sign it might become easier in the future.

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Health · Love

Letting Go

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been thinking of the concept of letting things go. Some people find it very, very easy to let go of something and move forward while others, such as myself, really struggle with this concept.

I’ve tried many different ways of letting go. I’ve tried pretending I don’t care, I’ve tried distance, I’ve tried destruction and I’ve tried forgetting. I’ve tried coming to peace with it, I’ve tried altering beliefs in order to give it up and I’ve tried forcing myself.

But I still struggle with letting go and I have no idea why.

It’s probably the best time now to explain that I’m talking about letting go of fears and doubts rather than actual, physical objects.

I read recently that the only reason people hang onto things is because they think it’s useful for them; I mean it’s actually useful to be afraid of snakes, especially in Australia, because chances are it’s extremely poisonous – thus, you keep your distance and not go up and give it a hug.

Then there are the irrational fears, the fears or doubts you can’t quite put your finger on. For example, it’s irrational (to me, at least) to be afraid to stand up for yourself, and I would love nothing better than to have my own back. However, if I’m faced with a situation where I need to hold my own I completely freeze. I’m one of those people that can think of the absolute best comebacks a day after I’m confronted.

It’s also common to hold onto things because they once made you happy, and I do this too mostly with relationships. I’m a clinger, and I probably would never have admitted to that even just 2 months ago. In this case I would love nothing better than to love myself enough to just let go of something (or someone) that is not working, but instead I have to try and “make it work” just because they make, or made, me feel happy.

Even within the acceptance of my own behaviour it is STILL not enough to let it go. Even holding up a mirror to my own actions and seeing it from a logical place cannot convince my emotions to see it the same way.

It has only been quite recently that I realised a part of me was terrified of relationships.

Me. The wonderful lady with the kind heart is TERRIFIED of men.

For a while there I was blaming my body for not knowing the difference between excitement and fear (which is the way a lot of specialists have tried too pass off my anxiety) but once I started putting two and two together, that I’ve always been very skittish and nervous around romantic interests, that got me thinking – maybe it’s not my body, maybe it’s me.

I couldn’t work out why most of my first dates had me freaking out, unable to eat, unable to relax until I’d had a full on panic breakdown. Then, as the relationship progressed I had to become a fraction of who I really am in order to survive in it.

I mean I LOVE to love. It’s my thing, So how on earth could I be acting this way in regard to relationships.

I still don’t know the answer. I’ve never had a situation in my life that would warrant this kind of response, but knowing me I will eventually find out.

 

I guess my point is that over my 30 odd years of being alive I can now pick out my patterns, try my best to change or overcome them, but find myself no closer to letting them go. So many times I’m told “just get over it”, “move on”, “you can do it” but, like, HOW? I’ve been trying for years but I just seem to be missing the Letting Shit Go gene.

 

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Health · relationships

Playing Online Passive-Aggressiveness Games (Or, Why Is It Okay To Be Afraid Of Some Things But Not Others?)

When I woke up this morning I decided to have a quick scroll through Facebook. I don’t know why because it’s always super boring. The best part is leaving Facebook for like a year and coming back to all the change. Anyway, I’m digressing.

I saw a picture of a text between two people – you’ve probably seen it on social media because I had seen it before – where one person was telling another why he didn’t want to fall in love.

why-do-you-fear-falling-in-love-so-much-daniel-8230775

You can ignore that last bit, it’s just part of the meme.

My first thought was why is this on my timeline? and when I saw that my ex had liked it my next thought was yeah figures.

Then I got a little bit angry but probably not for the reason you may think.

The reason I began to get a little bit uppity was the “fear” aspect of this and why it’s perfectly acceptable for someone to be afraid to fall in love/commit to a relationship because of the anxiety and discomfort of old experiences…

…but it’s not okay for me to become overwhelmed with anxiety and discomfort for a) sometimes no reason, or b) for a so-called “irrational” one?

Really.

It is becoming quite comical for me to see the hypocrisy when people, more specifically my romantic partners, tell me to just “get over” my anxiety when they don’t even bother facing their own discomforts.

To be clear I’m NOT having a go at him for not being in a relationship with me and I DO recognise that people need time in order to heal after breakups .

The reason why I am so vocal about this is because he has been open with me about being aware how his shutting down is negatively affecting his life. It’s at the point now where I could say it’s just as bad as anxiety negatively affecting mine.

But just because my mental illness is seen as being irrational and his is being rational no one is telling him to just “suck it up” and “face your fears!”

So, to be passive-aggressive I liked a picture on my facebook timeline that said the following:

Magic happens when you don’t give up.

Even though you want to.

The universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart.

And then, just to rub it in, I liked this one too:

Attitude is a choice.

What you think you can do, whether positive or negative, confident or scared, will most likely happen.

And just to make it less obvious I also liked a post on a science page that wrote an article about how you may live longer if you eat 10 servings of fruit and vegetables a day or something; it was a good cover because I am vegetarian and I do agree with that anyway.

I’m obviously not trying to be mean or anything like that but how can you help someone that doesn’t want to be helped? You can’t. All you can do is try and offer a different way of viewing a situation and being accepting of the life choices someone else makes.

In fact, writing something along the lines of this to him might actually get him to understand my mental illness because he has something to compare it to.

That’s an idea.

But really it is up to the individual. We try to cope as best we can and seeking out help is a totally personal experience. Just as he could spend the rest of his life denying his fears and not entering into another relationship I could just as easily try and live my life ignoring my mental health.

It’s up to us.

 

 

 

Agoraphobia · Anxiety · Health

When The Subconscious Becomes A Minefield

I’ve come to the conclusion lately that we do have a subconscious and it makes up a large portion of who we are. I’ve had many experiences now where conventional things haven’t given me relief but things focusing on the mind in regard to emotions has.

The subconscious, to me, feels like a place where we store everything. Every word said, every conclusion we’ve made, and also every emotion we’ve felt. That’s why I think it’s so easy sometimes to access memories because it is all there, most commonly triggered by music or smells.

My disclaimer at this point to the people I know are thinking it: whether it is “all in the mind” or not it just proves how powerful our minds actually are.

I don’t know about anyone else out there but I am pretty good at hiding my emotions in this part of myself. I mean, I am an emotional person. No doubt about it. If I were to let myself BE that emotional person I would be on a roller coaster every day – and it makes sense that in order to deal with life that one has to shove most of that deep down in fear of being labeled an “emotional person” who can’t “compose themselves.”

Recently, over the past few days, I’ve had the courage to open my heart up; with it has come some very overwhelming energy. Not the kind I expected, mind you, I thought I would sit in bed crying or being overwhelmed by everything… I am actually feeling it in a very physical way. Normally I would be off to the doctors or hospital however having dealt with anxiety and panic attacks for my whole life I know that these symptoms can be part and parcel of this mental illness.

The only difference now is the fact that my physical life is very comfortable. I live with my parents, I have no obligations to force myself into work, I have no dramas, I live on a farm in nature and I can leisurely do what I choose. I am not thinking negatively – I’m not sitting up nights thinking about the future or worrying about what I’m going to do with my life – and I treat myself with kindness a lot of the time.

This feeling is what I would expect if I was about to do something major like give a speech in front of hundreds of people, or go on a date, or fly on a plane… yet I’m sitting in my parents lounge room.

Which makes me wonder, what’s going on in my subconscious right now?

What is it trying to tell me?

I mean I even had a dream about zombies last night and I haven’t had a dream about zombies for a loooooong time.

It’s almost as if there’s a river of emotion trying to come out but I still have it blocked up. You know what I mean? When we’re nervous about doing something like taking a flight or going on a date for the first time there is so much we’re experiencing so it sort of just all piles up in the heart. Like Mr. Burns’ 3 Stooges disease.

indestructible

It’s almost as if you have to prove to your subconscious that you’re ready to deal with it – or perhaps set up some kind of system in order to work through it. I don’t know, I’m just throwing out ideas here.

Either way I’ve come to the conclusion that bottling up everything is just as worse as having outburst of emotion when they come. Perhaps worse? At least when those people have their “outbursts” they are dealing with the emotion when it hits them but I’m stuffing it in my bag saying “I’ll deal with that later” and I never do.

I mean just when I think I couldn’t learn everything else about myself I do! We never stop learning.

What do you think?

Health · Relationship · relationships

Exes And Weddings

A couple of months ago I was invited to an ex-boyfriend’s wedding.

If there is anyone out there reading this who is weirded out let me tell you there is no need. I won’t go into why I remain friends with my exes (and let me assure you it’s only the exes who are kind to me), that’s probably a post for another time.

At the moment my beef is whether or not I want to go. Not because of awkwardness or any of that crap but I am still not in a good place with my physical/mental/emotional health. Don’t get me wrong I don’t expect to be perfect but I do want to at least enjoy myself if I go somewhere – at the moment I’m not sure if that’s possible. The days I have are just way too unpredictable; some days I wake up feeling great (or my version of that) and some I wake feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus.

I don’t have too long to decide as the wedding is next weekend. January just sort of sneaked up on me.

There are pros of attending.

One is the fact that I’ll finally have been to a wedding. The last one I went to was when I was about 9 or 10 years old and my mental health ruled out going to any of my school friend’s weddings.

The second is seeing some friends that I met through my ex boyfriend, one of whom I am close to and it would be nice to see her. She also informs me that the cake will be gluten free.

Third being the possibility of seeing my current ex-boyfriend. He and I still talk despite his declaration earlier in our relationship that exes can’t be friends. He informs me that is because we weren’t technically together for all that long but I know he still talks to me for the same reason all the others do (also a story for another time). The wedding itself will only be a few blocks away from where he works so I could pop in.

Fourth is the mere thrill of getting out of the house. Ever since I became very sick I haven’t even been into town. The last place I went with my mother was to the local pet shop to buy some bird seed. At this stage I wouldn’t even brave the mall. However I am a little concerned that a trip to the city might be a jump that’s too big.

The cons aren’t really that big in a sense but big enough to put me off.

I would have to take my parents as I need to actually get to the event and stay in the city and unfortunately my mental health wouldn’t even allow for me to do something normal like catch the train, get an Uber or stay at my friend’s house.

It’s also during the hottest part of the year. For someone who doesn’t like the heat (or at least the dry, windy heat) and has parents who are ailing and actually quite sick, they have opted for an outside wedding. This isn’t a huge affair (on the invitation it says “water and snacks will be available”) but this means that if a certain someone is feeling sick, anxious and needing to use the restroom it’s highly unlikely that I will be able to enjoy myself.

More and more I’m liking the idea of skipping the whole thing and sending a card/letter with some money to wish them luck; also suggesting that we all meet up later in the year (when I am feeling better, hopefully) to celebrate and catch up…

…but there is that feeling that says, “yeah, but what if you do go” and I know when I have those there is a hope I will actually have fun.

 

No matter what I decided to do with this whole situation I still need to get to a point where I am able to go out. One of my very good friends is having a 30th birthday celebration a week after this wedding and it would be very, very poor form of me not to go. This friend has been there for me for a long time despite all the shit I put him through when my mental illness rears it’s ugly head.

Really I don’t have a good enough excuse because it is here in the town I am currently living in.

At the end of the day all I can really do is try my best, but make sure I am actually trying my absolute best.

Anxiety · Health

Days Like These

Days like these are the hardest.

Days when you don’t want to get out of bed because you’re really not sure if you can face what life has in store. Not in any sort of depressive way, mind you; shit just piles up and without something to look forward to it really drains the spirits.

Days when you’re almost in tears watching your father have yet another fight with chronic asthma (and has been that way ever since you can remember). I think it’s harder when you get older because you don’t want to see your parents in pain – and a part of you is also well aware of the frailty of life.

Days when for no reason at all panic is at the highest peak and you feel like saying, “I’m sorry but I can’t do this” even though all you’re doing is sitting in the lounge room with your parents, on a farm, with absolutely no obligations or responsibilities.

Days when you feel desperate for any kind of distraction from all of it but your phone is deadly silent. Your best friend has left on a trip to Europe, your ex-boyfriend is still not messaging (and you’re actually not even sure why that’s the case anymore and becoming quite bored with the whole thing now) and your other ex boyfriend/ex business partner is busy moving in to an apartment with his wife-to-be. Not that they are my only contact with the outside world, but they are the ones that chat most often.

I wish I could distract myself but I am so far into fog land that I can’t even think of a way to finish this sentence.

 

And it’s days like these that really make me pine for my old life. Not all of it; mostly just last year. Moving out on my own, going to work, being a functioning member of society, having fun, making new friends, having a lover but most of all not one single moment of panic. Anxiety, sometimes, but panic, never.

Most of all it was the discovery of my true self, the real me, the independent me that I know I am, and then to have that ripped away…

…that’s the hardest part of days like these.