Happiness · Personal · relationships

Giving Up The Fight

This morning I woke up with my head still full of questions after last night. My ex had sent me a message an hour later in my response to saying I felt like an idiot, basically that I shouldn’t feel like an idiot and I haven’t done anything wrong.

Well, of course I haven’t done anything wrong, besides the sexting and living in a fucking fantasy world of my own making. Oh, and being so stupid as to believe him when he said he just wanted to focus on himself, and that he wasn’t interested, and me being the only one he feels he could trust…

I began crying, not just because of the situation between my ex and me, but for everything else going on in my life that I was trying to be brave about. I cried until I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t end up surfacing from my room until almost lunchtime.

The only question, after I had written down everything I was feeling, I could bring myself to ask was why he went from “beautiful eyes” to pushing me away again.

I honestly thought it was just another one of those times when he was rejecting me because he was getting too close again and all of that fear was reentering his mind.

But he responded with something that sort of shocked me.

“Push you away? Yes we have this weird connection but we weren’t together as a couple…”

I whipped out my phone to write down everything I began thinking as a response to his statement…

…but I just got tired.

I was, and am, too tired to fight for this anymore.

All I could muster in reply was, “you’re right.”

 

Stupidly now I want to continue wounding myself by asking what the deal was with him saying that stuff to me, about not wanting a relationship, about being free, about all that bullshit. I suppose it’s more for my closure than anything else.

Whatever, he’s made his choice.

I always stay friends with my exes but in this case I’m not even sure I want to. I have enough crap to deal with than to hurt myself over and over.

 

And this is my exact problem, I live with my heart not my head. I live my life based on connections and feelings when he’s obviously living his on practicality.

We don’t live in the same city anymore, we haven’t seen each other in almost a year. I am weird, mentally, and so he doesn’t understand why I can’t just get in the car and drive over to visit him. It’s obviously too hard when it really doesn’t have to be. I can’t expect him to be the one to always travel but with the way things are with me at the moment, I don’t know how I’m going to be from one day to the next, so I can’t plan trips.

This is all just too messy.

I give up.

 

Of course I know that at some point in the future I’m going to be laying in bed with a man who adores me for exactly who I am thinking back on all this and wondering why I even cared at all… but that moment seems so far away from my sore heart.

I have received the usual “time heals all wounds, he doesn’t deserve you” chorus from those who care about me but we all know that at times like this it doesn’t mean anything.

Happiness · Personal · relationships

The Wakeup Call

So weirdly enough, I’m not crying. I’m not entirely sure if that’s because I am stopping myself or if I don’t want to. Perhaps I respect myself too much to get into all the drama this time around.

Things with my ex were going along as usual. Hot, cold, up, down. We’d just found ourselves in another wonderful up when suddenly, out of no where, a slump.

Of course my intuition knew something was up but I was assured that everything was fine. Well, you should always listen to that little voice.

About 40 minutes ago I was hit with the “wakeup call.”

I said that I couldn’t wait to see him, as we’d just only a week or so ago discussed him visiting, and I was just not prepared for what his response was:

“I was looking forward to it too but it’s not really fair on you as I’m trialling dating a girl to see how it goes or if I’m ready.”

Ka-BOOM.

A literal wave of heat and fear washed over me. To tell you the truth I was a little dumbfounded.

Too many feelings and questions started racing through my head and to tell you the truth I felt physically ill. Again. It was happening to me AGAIN.

I was being replaced. AGAIN.

All I managed to choke out (even though this was via messages) was “well I feel like an idiot.”

I also rattled off that I thought we had a special connection. To be honest I really don’t know what else to say.

All that bullshit he spouted off about not even being sure he wanted all of that relationship stuff, and still healing from the marriage break up, and he’s jumping into bed with someone else.

The things I started to question where: “if you’re feeling ready to date again, why not me?” and “if you insisted on your visit only just being because you wanted to see me, not have sex, then what does this new informs even mean? You are only still my friend because you were wondering if we would eventually work out? Are we not good friends?”

This ALWAYS happens. ALWAYS. I ALWAYS know I should back away, to get out with my feelings in tact but I NEVER do!

To add insult to injury he dropped his bombshell and has now gone silent. The least he could do is talk this through with me, I mean, we had a nice thing together and there’s no common decency to at least talk?

I assume he is afraid, he’s obviously afraid of what I was going to say, how I was going to react. Now, I really do want to completely switch everything off and be alone. Not so much because of what happened, more because I can see my head is NOT in the right place.

I think the hardest thing about this all is the fact that I know gradually, yet again, I will be replaced. He will become just another ex that will stop talking to me, and that’s the thing that hurts the most in this whole situation.

I am so sick of being forgotten about, replace, whitewashed over; not just with exes but in life.

And that last sentence, in this whole post, is the only one I began to feel my eyes watering with tears.

Wakeup calls. Where’s the fucking snooze.

Anxiety · Happiness · Personal

Reality

“…And remember that comparing your reality to other people‚Äôs causes much unnecessary stress.”

From Creative Numerology on WordPress.

It’s an easy thing to forget, isn’t it? Especially these days with social media and media in general bombarding us constantly of what others are doing with their lives. I’m not saying it’s a good or a bad thing – it’s just a “thing” in our society now.

I like the ability of being able to see what my friends or random strangers are getting up to. If you take it in the right light then it can be motivation or encouragement; give us ideas of how to expand our own experience.

Difficulties make comparing our lives to other’s pretty much a given. It takes a strong nerve not to do it. It’s universal.

 

The quote is right. It does cause unnecessary stress.

Sometimes the only way I get through my trials is by believing that eventually my life will become what I’ve always seen it as in my mind.

Sometimes, when I’m going through those trials I have to disconnect myself from others even if their messages are positive because I’m in no state to receive.

I step back because everything is relative and I don’t want to put pressure on myself to force anything.

Inside I believe you know when the time is right and when you’re still in your cocoon becoming the butterfly. If you’re still cocooning then take everything you see others doing with a grain of salt. Not in the sense that it’s not real, or it’s faked, but with the sense of knowing that one day you’ll be living up to your true potential.

 

Enjoy the reality of others and respect where you’re at. That’s all I can really say. I know how hard it is, believe me.

 

 

Today on the farm was cold and windy. I went through another level of healing that was draining and I know I’m still not out the other side yet but I’ll sleep off what I’ve done and try to face the next stage tomorrow.

The animals were in bed by 2pm and my bird Sandy continued to sit on her eggs.

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Personal · relationships

In Bed By 9 O’Clock

Just as the title suggest I’m snuggled up in bed with my ear plugs in and my hot water bottles burning, like one of those bugs in a rug people are always going on about, at 9pm on a Saturday night.

It’s not unusual for me not to have plans on a weekend but I’m usually still up with my parents watching TV and talking rubbish.

I sort of just got this urge to be on my own and rest. I can be on my own in my room but I didn’t even feel like going online or drawing like I have done the past couple of days. It just seemed like a great idea to get under the covers and play a few games on my phone, then slowly drift off to sleep.

 

Today was very productive. I finally got around to cleaning up the front room in my parents house. It turned into a dumping ground for all my stuff when I moved back home, and with the birds often sitting out there too they made one hell of a mess (guys, birds are fucking messy pets, but they’re worth it.)

If there’s one thing I love doing it’s cleaning up and being able to see the difference. It’s relaxing and soothing for me, and I’ve heard it can be for others with anxiety too.

My father is feeling better and my mother baked cookies for us today. I spent some time with the chooks outside inbetween busting my butt and the sun was gorgeous and warm. One of those perfect Autumn days.

 

My close friend messaged me about being dumped by a girl. I wasn’t even aware he was seeing anyone. I suppose that was part of the reasoning though. He said that they were just being casual about it and all of a sudden she turned around and accused him of not being serious enough.

In reality they just didn’t really have time for each other and it sort of just wasn’t going anywhere.

i told him that with the right girl it’s going to be really super easy, it won’t matter about labels or time or money or anything. You’ll just be so into each other everything else won’t matter.

 

My ex has gone away for the weekend with friends and their kids. I sent him a message wishing them well and I’m just going to leave it at that.

To be honest all that talk with my close friend made me remember just how simple it was with my ex and trying to figure out what happened, but he can’t put his finger on it either. He blames his past relationship but if that was the case he would never have opened up to me in the first place.

Plus if it was a case of two people just not fitting or being able to work out we still wouldn’t be bothering. We wouldn’t still be calling each other by the nicknames we somehow acquired or talking about sexual things either.

Sometimes shit just happens and we don’t know why.

But I am very happy where I ended up. Waking with my family every day. Being able to help them out while both they and I recover. No stress. No pressure.

It’s the little things in life. Not a doubt in my mind.

Happiness · Personal · relationships

Detachment

So I was writing a post earlier today about something that has been bothering me but the more that I seemingly “complained” the heavier I kept feeling.

I say heavier because at the moment I have slipped into another “don’t care” bubble. Not the usual depressive bubble where I’ve felt as though nothing matters or what’s the point, but I just don’t seem to give a shit. It’s not a destructive “not caring” perhaps more of a detachment.

I made some hot chips for lunch and went to sit in the paddock with the chickens. I was enjoying the sun and the sounds of the native, Australian birds, and I thought to myself “maybe it’s good that I don’t care… maybe I could take advantage of this?”

This is on the tail end of my father and I discussing the fact that you can’t see a solution to a problem if you are focused on the problem. What is it Albert Einstein said?

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

Sometimes I think that I create this detachment as a sort of break from caring so much about certain things, especially if those things have a huge impact on my heart.

In these moments of self-detachment I begin to start thinking differently about things because I’m not longer emotionally invested.

 

The thing I was going to write about earlier was to do with relationships, going on and on about how I’m feeling about my ex and how patterns are emerging that remind me of old relationships, and when I sat with the chickens and ate my chips I thought “why don’t I just write about what I do want?”

 

About how I would be excited to meet a man that was genuinely interested in me, what my hopes and dreams are, what my favourite type of cake is, or just wants to discuss random things that we’re both interested in at the same level that I really get to know the man I’m with.

A man who would welcome me with open arms and an open heart, that was balanced in being able to get things done but also at peace with the process of life. That, no matter what was going on, we were there for each other in every way and he never had a wall up to block me out. To share and to create together.

One who accepted me for having my down times and didn’t force me, who knew that if he supports me I’m more likely to be able to move forward. If I was having a down day, or perhaps even week, he would cover me with a blanket on the couch and hunker down with me to watch TV knowing in the back of his mind that once this passed I would be unstoppable in getting things done.

As everyone wants, I would just like to meet someone who sees my true colours, who I really am, and doesn’t want to change it.

And, of course, someone I am physically attracted to because intimacy is a big part of who I am as well.

 

After I write all that I am still feeling detached but it comes as a relief to be honest. Sometimes detachment makes me feel better, makes me feel more in control, or perhaps even powerful. My heart is so big that I can’t handle too much heavy emotion weighing on it.

It’s not really about ignoring the things that are making me feel bad, putting a smile on my face and focusing more on the positive so I can skip around being joyful about everything. That is, of course, a goal of mine but this detachment means that I can step back from something that IS A PROBLEM in my life however I don’t see if that way when I’m emotionally attached to it.

 

 

 

Anxiety · Happiness · life · Personal · relationships

Sometimes It’s Hard To Be Diplomatic With Friends

Lately things for me having been not so easy; not terrible, just not easy. My overall health is up, then down, then UP, then DOWN, and may father’s health has sort of been the same. I have a friend that is not doing so great with her mental health and my father’s mother’s dementia is getting worse and worse – so phone calls are pretty intense for him.

This is all not helped by the progressive lack of sleep I’m getting…

So for me, right now, at this present time in my life, I am going out of my way to avoid anything that doesn’t lift my spirits.

In fact, I think that is one of the reasons why I’m still chatting away with my ex. He is the kind of person that makes people laugh and smile just by laughing and smiling himself.

One of my close friends, who’s been there with me for a long time, has started to become a little too negative. He is not a negative person but it seems as though every time I’ve had a conversation with him lately it had a tinge of bad.

At the moment I’m not strong enough to carry any empathetic weight, especially with lack of sleep, I’m finding it difficult enough not to go off at my parents for absolutely no reason other than I feel like *beep*.

A few nights ago I had a great, friendly conversation with my ex and I was feeling happier. Then, since I was in a better mood, I decided to check up on this friend only to have him tell me all these things that had gone wrong not just with him, but also around him, with people I don’t even know.

Well I just had to put my phone down. I’d completely lost my happiness mojo, just like that.

Again, not trying to be a bitch here. Ordinarily I would talk things through with him but I honestly just don’t have the reserves.

Anyway, rather than piss and moan about it, I decided to just approach it like an adult. Was honest and told him last night that I thought his mood had nose dived a lot lately and I wasn’t sure whether or not that was just because he was offloading onto me. I suggested that maybe the whole “share house” situation he was in, while good to save money in hopes of getting your own place or whatever you might be saving for, was not helping with HIS mental well-being.

He agreed and admitted to me that I only get to hear the worst parts because I’m one of his best friends.

But I asserted my boundaries and told him that I couldn’t be there for him in every instance – not forever and ever, just for the meantime.

He sort of misunderstood what it was I was saying, taking it a bit personally and saying “I didn’t realise it was all the time” which I had to clear up to say I didn’t think he was being negative ALL the time, but he was just dumping all of his negativity onto ME all the time. I mean if I’m one of only a few he can talk to about stuff, and I’m almost always available to chat, then I’m probably going to be on the receiving end of most of it.

Besides it wasn’t actually even about him. People have problems/troubles in their lives and they go to their friends for help. It’s a normal thing to do. It’s just not a good time for me and sometimes I do need a rest from taking things on board, especially when I’m struggling a bit with my own stuff.

 

I hope I was as diplomatic as possible with it. He sent me a picture of a dancing lemur through instagram this morning so I suppose all is okay.

 

 

 

Happiness · Health · Personal · relationships

He’s Back

On Saturday night I had a real pang of feeling lonely. Not alone, because I’m perfectly okay with that, but I suddenly just felt really isolated.

One of my exes (the one I referred to as my partner in a lot of the old posts on here) asked if he could visit with his wife (yes, he is already married) and I agreed. I am honestly one-hundred-per-cent happy for him and at this point would welcome any sort of visit to break up my days.

But the whole thing ushered in feelings of sadness. As in, “someone come and hold me right now.” The kind where you miss physical contact of a loved one.

Prior to this sudden feeling of loss I’ve done pretty well over the last three weeks. My current ex stopped chatting with me, I stopped chatting with him. It took a couple of days but soon enough I sort of didn’t really notice. In fact, it’s as if I’ve come to terms with it all now and I’m pretty much enjoying looking after myself and being single.

Well perhaps his radar went off, or maybe I was picking up on his loneliness, I don’t know but later that night (or should I say early Sunday morning) I received a message from my ex. It was short. It said simply: “Woman I hope you’re doing ok” with a smiley face.

I’m not going to get into the words he used because I could be here forever on that but I was surprised because I sincerely thought he was finished with me or that, perhaps, he had met someone else to “have fun with” and felt awkward continuing things with me.

It went from me sending him messages three weeks ago and him not even bothering to continue a conversation to us starting some back and forth two days ago and even him sending me follow up messages if he gave a short response to elaborated more. We’re still talking as if we never stopped and nobody has addressed why we stopped in the first place – I think we both must feel there’s no need.

However he is still the same old ex. Still keeping his emotions very close to his chest, still pretending he doesn’t care about things when we both know he does, and being somewhat negative about certain things and believing I’m not pushing myself.

For example, I mentioned a time at work where we made out in what was essentially a very public space and he laughed and said he remembered that. Then, his next message was something we didn’t do and proceeded to say “not cool.”

In these sort of situations in the past I have, I supposed, wanted to reassure him or defend myself but this time I called him a Negative Nancy and said “boo-fucking-ho.”

Look I’m not saying that I don’t love him anymore, or that I don’t care about him, but it’s more the fact that my self-esteem and self-worth are pretty high up at the moment and I’m not going to a) apologise for the past, and/or b) apologise for a mental health condition I have no control over (at times.)

It’s that age old saying “I love you but I love me more” and if I’m able to love him for everything that he is including all the not-so-good stuff then he needs to learn how to do the same for me or there is no future here.

 

In other news I brought some new-beaut paint pens! They are giant pens with acrylic paint in them! The future is now!

Sometimes I have a really great idea for a painting in my mind but with the tools I have in regard to acrylic paints and paintbrushes it’s as if I won’t be able to convey it. Sometimes I just need extra control that a paintbrush can’t offer or as if I have to be holding a pencil to get the idea down – so when I saw these online I decided to splurge $100 to try them. They could be REALLY handy for minute detail that I’ve always wanted to put into paintings but was unable to do.

I should really whip out a canvas and try out all the cool art supplies I’ve brought over the past few months.