This morning I woke up with my head still full of questions after last night. My ex had sent me a message an hour later in my response to saying I felt like an idiot, basically that I shouldn’t feel like an idiot and I haven’t done anything wrong.
Well, of course I haven’t done anything wrong, besides the sexting and living in a fucking fantasy world of my own making. Oh, and being so stupid as to believe him when he said he just wanted to focus on himself, and that he wasn’t interested, and me being the only one he feels he could trust…
I began crying, not just because of the situation between my ex and me, but for everything else going on in my life that I was trying to be brave about. I cried until I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t end up surfacing from my room until almost lunchtime.
The only question, after I had written down everything I was feeling, I could bring myself to ask was why he went from “beautiful eyes” to pushing me away again.
I honestly thought it was just another one of those times when he was rejecting me because he was getting too close again and all of that fear was reentering his mind.
But he responded with something that sort of shocked me.
“Push you away? Yes we have this weird connection but we weren’t together as a couple…”
I whipped out my phone to write down everything I began thinking as a response to his statement…
…but I just got tired.
I was, and am, too tired to fight for this anymore.
All I could muster in reply was, “you’re right.”
Stupidly now I want to continue wounding myself by asking what the deal was with him saying that stuff to me, about not wanting a relationship, about being free, about all that bullshit. I suppose it’s more for my closure than anything else.
Whatever, he’s made his choice.
I always stay friends with my exes but in this case I’m not even sure I want to. I have enough crap to deal with than to hurt myself over and over.
And this is my exact problem, I live with my heart not my head. I live my life based on connections and feelings when he’s obviously living his on practicality.
We don’t live in the same city anymore, we haven’t seen each other in almost a year. I am weird, mentally, and so he doesn’t understand why I can’t just get in the car and drive over to visit him. It’s obviously too hard when it really doesn’t have to be. I can’t expect him to be the one to always travel but with the way things are with me at the moment, I don’t know how I’m going to be from one day to the next, so I can’t plan trips.
This is all just too messy.
I give up.
Of course I know that at some point in the future I’m going to be laying in bed with a man who adores me for exactly who I am thinking back on all this and wondering why I even cared at all… but that moment seems so far away from my sore heart.
I have received the usual “time heals all wounds, he doesn’t deserve you” chorus from those who care about me but we all know that at times like this it doesn’t mean anything.