Anxiety · Personal · relationships

Peace Of Mind

Today here, on the farm, was just another uneventful day in relation to what others are probably out there doing. Just to be clear I’m not comparing in any sort of negative way, it was just pretty straight forward.

From somewhere or another I had quite a bit of energy. I washed the dishes when I got up, let the animals out, bugged my birds, got firewood, made apple muffins, and promptly wore myself out. Lit the fire, looked after my parents with teas and hot water bottles, and now I’m in my room feeling like I want to draw again.

 

My ex was overly friendly again but it seems as though he’s thinking with a part of his male anatomy. I hope that’s not the reasoning behind his turn around in attention but it’s looking pretty likely, isn’t it?

I don’t really mind at the moment because I’m in a good mood. I’m not actually all that aroused by his talk though. I’m dealing with my own stuff here and I’m starting to align more with my integrity and needs. It has to be more than just sex for me and while I know we seem to have some sort of connection, that’s not really going to cut it for me anymore.

But I’m not going to be premature about this. It’s not overly important at the moment, my health and peace of mind is.

 

I can’t believe it’s already close to being the end of another month. At least at the end of this month my mother will know, after a year, how her brain is going and if any tumor came back. I’ll also get to see my auntie whom I haven’t seen since I was about 10 or so.

I tried to message my cousin but for some reason the message isn’t going through. I’ve sent a message to my aunt to see if my cousin uses the app, so we’ll just see what happens.

I had a look at my cousins pictures on Facebook and it looks like she’s quite the drawer/artist too. There has to be a gene for it hahaha but something tells me we’re going to have a LOT in common.

 

 

 

Anxiety · Health · Personal · relationships

Hot And Cold

I managed to do a little bit of drawing last night, nothing planned, no goals or anything, just picked something a drew it.

I decided to draw a dragon head again – I used a goat’s head as a reference because the two are very similar, what with the horns and everything, and I tried to make it all vicious but it just turned into a very sweet looking, wise lady dragon.

 

I wasn’t feeling as energetic today. I let the chickens and duck out for a while but it was windy and cold, so I just collected some wood and dragged myself around the house.

It was just one of those days to spend inside. At the moment days just blend into each other. Tonight I was going to do some more drawing but I’m not feeling up to it, I had a shower instead. But why not do both you might ask. Some days I only have energy enough for one. Hahaha.

 

Today was an “up” day in regard to my ex-boyfriend. Even I was surprised. He must have woken up on the right side of the bed. That song sung by Katy Perry, what is it? Hot and Cold? I never met anyone who filled that song’s shoes more than him at the moment.

 

My friend’s housemate almost burned their rental down. He tried to cook something but then decided to go out and left oil in the pan on the stove. Thankfully my friend got home a quarter of an hour earlier than when he had planned and caught the fire before it spread too much.

I do honestly wonder what happens in these people’s minds. He must have had a lot on his mind.

 

So that’s it for today. I’ve settled in with my parents to watch The Spy Who Loved or something like that and little Monkey perked on top of my laptop. Little Sandy has made herself a little nesting place and so she’s busy with that.

 

Anxiety · Personal · Relationship

Well, Duh

Still feeling a bit off today, but that’s the game of healing I suppose.

I’m sitting in my room with an oil heater on but it’s been an hour and it feels like the cold is still nipping at my toes. Takes forever for it to warm up a room so I might come back later to do some drawing/art.

 

It happened again last night. After he left me on read since 6pm I sent him a message at about 11pm simply saying “goodnight”. I had worked myself up into a real state – and I’m not sure whether that was the reason I couldn’t sleep all night or if it was something else.
Anyway, I picked up my phone again an hour later (cause that’s what I do when I wake up, I need to know the time for some reason) and he’d replied a minute later with “goodnight (nickname)”.

I was even more “wtf” and I sort of vowed that I was done for a bit. I need a break from him and whatever the hell he thinks he is doing (which is probably absolutely nothing but rather he is unaware of how confused and hurt I am which is not his fault) HOWEVER this morning when my parents and I were looking up what day we were born on the Internet I looked up his as well and then sent it to him! As if I have some sort of autopilot inclusive reaction.

 

I think Tesla got it right when he preferred to remain single and celibate so it freed up his mind to work on “more important things.”

The problem is changing 30 years of conditioning that told me my love should be directed at another (or other) person/people. If I could only just direct it at my career (or towards figuring out what that’s going to be) or creating something, or, you know whatever.

You know I think I actually could do that if it wasn’t for this blasted anxiety.

I would love more than anything to go out in the community and help others but to be a volunteer there’s the responsibility to be reliable and dependable, and to not freak out at a moments notice and have to run away.

 

 

On a more positive note I managed to reconnect with some of my family on Facebook. I finally found my Aunty (who is coming to visit in just over a week) and then my cousin added me as a friend right after that.

Usually I am pretty nervous about this sort of thing, because the last time I actually spoke to or saw my cousin was when I was about 7 and, you know, anxiety can be a pain about this sort of thing, but I’m actually really excited to chat to her. It’s the downside of my family being stretched so far and wide around Australia and us growing up in the age just before the Internet. It’s sad to say but we just drifted apart.

Seeing someone like my ex-boyfriend constantly around his family, constantly connected and supported, I just thought – I want that. I’ve had about 10 years of my anxiety pushing me further and further away from others and being with him made me realise that despite me being the kind of person that has to recharge away from others, I do actually enjoy people’s company and connectivity is the cure, in a way, to some aspects of anxiety.

Anxiety is so weird it’s like “stay away from people!” but then when you’re panicking it’s like “no one will help us!”

Well, duh.

 

Anxiety · life · Personal · relationships

Our Way Of Loving Isn’t Compatible

duckers

I lost my duck.

Not as in, “where did my duck go?” but as in a fox-killed-and-tried-to-carry-away-my- duck, lost my duck.

I was heart broken on Tuesday. It’s one of those moments were you just don’t want to believe your eyes but there it is. My mother thought I’d seriously injured myself, or been bitten by a snake, the way I returned to the house through my tears.

I had some help in letting a lot of my grief go the next day but today it was a little difficult because the other duck (pictured above further away from the camera) was standing at the fence calling out to her, hoping she’d just waddle back up the paddock again.

To be honest, losing Quackers has emphasized even more how important it is to love and be loved now. Not just in the stock-standard way but in the way that makes you feel good about being you.

Everyone loves in different ways, even though the feeling of love is universal.

When I was sitting on the Earth in the garden earlier today, keeping the other duck company, I thought about how much of my life has been spent trying to get people who cannot love me the way I want to be loved, to do just that.

Only, in trying to get them to conform to what I needed, the tables turned into me believe that their way of loving was the right way and maybe I really did need to “toughen up” or that I was “too nice.”

Because they always say “you can’t change other people, only yourself” – but what if you don’t actually need to change yourself. What if you’re not supposed to?

 

This is the way my musings have been leaning lately. Being away from everything, on a farm, in nature, with all of the important things under one roof, is very helpful for reevaluating.

I had an odd conversation with my ex this afternoon – I joked that a girl from work had her sights set on him, it’s obvious when a girl crushes on a guy via social media, and he said, “yeah, she asked me out a few months ago but I said no.” Then, of course, we rehashed that he was focusing on himself anyway, to have a break from all that, and the more times I hear that the less my heart glows for him.

To be clear I wasn’t jealous or fishing for information I was more taken aback by the realisation that hey, he doesn’t share much with me anymore.

He has been fine, it’s got nothing to do with him, it’s just me not putting my boundaries up as usual. He is lucky because he still gets the openhearted, loving version of me however I get the closed-off, friendly version that everyone else gets. It doesn’t make me feel special in anyway, other than when we sext, but afterwards it’s back to closed-off “not a priority” again and my heart doesn’t deserve my constant dragging of her through the metaphorical mud.

None of this is his fault, he has been upfront, the responsibility lies with me to set my boundaries and be true to how my heart feels. We may have a connection, we may have a love between us, but sometimes it might not be right. I should have the balls to say if he is going to treat me as a friend, then a friend is all he will get in return. Not vindictively but truthfully.

 

In the beginning of next month I will be going back to the old city and have asked him if he would like to hang out. He is keen but I am feeling as if I need to make sure he knows how I feel and that it’s highly likely I won’t be physical with him.

I need to stop opting for short-term gratification when I know my happiness lies in long-term compatibility.

I know in my heart I’m ready for love.

 

Anxiety · Personal

Where’s My Hat?

Do you think sometimes you have such a hard time being yourself because nothing in the outside world matches the inner you, so you don’t actually know how to be you?

I mean sometimes we can get swept up in the identities of others, or what society tells us we should be, but when we are having those quiet moments and we look at everything we’ve decided to be… I don’t know, does anyone else wonder why half of the stuff they have is in their life?

I do this with clothes shopping sometimes. I walk around with my mum and I buy things but later on I kind of look at it and think, “why did I buy that?”

I knew who I was when I was a kid, then I sort of lost myself for a little while there between the ages of 12 and 16, and after that was when I switched off completely (with my emotions) and even though it wasn’t always right I did actually feel pretty comfortable with the identity I put on.

But that whole identity got old after a while. I didn’t like that I was shut off from myself but also from others. I didn’t think it was a badge of honour to be called “the ice queen” when on the inside I really wanted to be warm and inviting.

Now I’m sort of stuck. I don’t want to go back to that old identity (even though it was the most comfortable) but I don’t really slot into any others.

So I feel like I have to be myself… and yet I don’t know who I am. Sure I can say I’m an artist or musician, or that I’m a daughter, or female, or Australian, you know all that stuff. Although I AM all those things, I don’t know, it’s like they don’t sit right.

My acupuncturist tells me that people wear different hats all the time. For example if you work in a supermarket you put your “customer service” hat on when you’re at work but when you’re at home you’re not going to wear that hat anymore, are you? So you take it off and you put on the “mother” hat or the “I love my 5 cats” hat – you know, whatever floats your hat boat.

I’ve always had trouble with hats. It sort of feels like my hats don’t fit me right. I feel like there’s a hat out there with my name on it but I can’t find it.

Like the person that invented, I don’t know, the car. Nothing like the car was around and then someone thought of it, and then they get to wear the “I thought of a car” hat.

It sort of feels like that, except less cars.

I guess this ties in with my post about searching for an individual artist style too. Perhaps the two are linked? Maybe searching for either will help me find the other?

 

In other news I’ve just been helping my father around the farm, getting lovely bunches of flowers from my mother, and feeling as if I’m not even on the planet. I’m sleeping maybe a touch better but not as deeply or as restful as I seem to need.

My ex and I are still chatting here and there. He is moving, working and family-ing and manages to chat with me in between which is nice of him. Without that conversation my phone is deathly quiet and I’m starting to feel rather cut off and distant from the world and social life.

I think I might go have a shower. Perhaps that “a ha!” moment will happen.

Anxiety · Happiness · life · Personal · relationships

Sometimes It’s Hard To Be Diplomatic With Friends

Lately things for me having been not so easy; not terrible, just not easy. My overall health is up, then down, then UP, then DOWN, and may father’s health has sort of been the same. I have a friend that is not doing so great with her mental health and my father’s mother’s dementia is getting worse and worse – so phone calls are pretty intense for him.

This is all not helped by the progressive lack of sleep I’m getting…

So for me, right now, at this present time in my life, I am going out of my way to avoid anything that doesn’t lift my spirits.

In fact, I think that is one of the reasons why I’m still chatting away with my ex. He is the kind of person that makes people laugh and smile just by laughing and smiling himself.

One of my close friends, who’s been there with me for a long time, has started to become a little too negative. He is not a negative person but it seems as though every time I’ve had a conversation with him lately it had a tinge of bad.

At the moment I’m not strong enough to carry any empathetic weight, especially with lack of sleep, I’m finding it difficult enough not to go off at my parents for absolutely no reason other than I feel like *beep*.

A few nights ago I had a great, friendly conversation with my ex and I was feeling happier. Then, since I was in a better mood, I decided to check up on this friend only to have him tell me all these things that had gone wrong not just with him, but also around him, with people I don’t even know.

Well I just had to put my phone down. I’d completely lost my happiness mojo, just like that.

Again, not trying to be a bitch here. Ordinarily I would talk things through with him but I honestly just don’t have the reserves.

Anyway, rather than piss and moan about it, I decided to just approach it like an adult. Was honest and told him last night that I thought his mood had nose dived a lot lately and I wasn’t sure whether or not that was just because he was offloading onto me. I suggested that maybe the whole “share house” situation he was in, while good to save money in hopes of getting your own place or whatever you might be saving for, was not helping with HIS mental well-being.

He agreed and admitted to me that I only get to hear the worst parts because I’m one of his best friends.

But I asserted my boundaries and told him that I couldn’t be there for him in every instance – not forever and ever, just for the meantime.

He sort of misunderstood what it was I was saying, taking it a bit personally and saying “I didn’t realise it was all the time” which I had to clear up to say I didn’t think he was being negative ALL the time, but he was just dumping all of his negativity onto ME all the time. I mean if I’m one of only a few he can talk to about stuff, and I’m almost always available to chat, then I’m probably going to be on the receiving end of most of it.

Besides it wasn’t actually even about him. People have problems/troubles in their lives and they go to their friends for help. It’s a normal thing to do. It’s just not a good time for me and sometimes I do need a rest from taking things on board, especially when I’m struggling a bit with my own stuff.

 

I hope I was as diplomatic as possible with it. He sent me a picture of a dancing lemur through instagram this morning so I suppose all is okay.

 

 

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Personal

Don’t Give Me “That” Look

I’m someone that dreams vividly so it’s no surprise to me that I can wake up in a “mood” from something Ive had a dream about (it was how my subconscious convinced me it was a super idea to hook up with my now ex) and a few days ago I woke up from one feeling very annoyed and a bit aggressive.

I could be wrong, I can’t quite remember, but I’m not usually aggressive in my dreams. I mean, if dreams are a reflection of your life then of course I’m not going to be angry. Usually I am a bit mousey, shy and generally introverted even when I’m dealing with threats – but it seemed like my subconscious had sort of cracked it.

The dream itself wasn’t unusual. I was with my parents visiting somewhere and I had a person tagging along with me. I didn’t know her, as in it wasn’t anyone I’d met in my life, but I think she was showing us around the town.

So, to get to the point, in the dream the girl asked me if I wanted to come and stay with her for a night or two. However, in my waking life, I still don’t feel strong enough to do certain things and it translates to my dreams. I said to her, “thanks for the offer but I’m still not ready to do that.”

What came next was, what I think, an amalgamation of all the times someone I loved in my life gave me THAT look. You know the one I’m talking about? That hurt/disappointed look? The one that just breaks your heart when someone judges or blames you for something you can’t change (or at least in my case, something I have TRIED to change for 10 years but haven’t been able to.)

Well, I just fucking lost it. I can’t remember exactly what I screamed back at her but I gather it was all the repressed feelings I think I’ve had about the whole anxiety/panic situation – but, to be more specific, the way I’ve been treated throughout.

It’s always that fucking look. I’ve had it from family, boyfriends, friends, co-workers, managers, bosses, strangers and now random figure constructions in my dreams.

And I’m soooooo very tired of it.

I really cannot say this enough, I’m just over it.

As if I don’t feel bad enough AS IT IS that I have to deny myself things, I have to now deal with the guilt you’re raining down on me?

Yeah, no thanks.

And I won’t even get into the hypocrisy of some people and their judgements…

From now on if someone doesn’t take the time to get to know me – or more specifically what is underneath the anxiety – to get to know what it is I have to deal with every day, and doesn’t celebrate everything I have done and/or in the process of doing for myself, then honestly, I just can’t be bothered with them anymore.

I grant you that not everyone has experienced it and just won’t understand.

That’s okay. They don’t have to.

All I really need are people that don’t give me “that” look.