Anxiety · life · Personal · relationships

Sorry, Self

Okay, so I’m going to start this again.

Surely I can take a concept of how I’m feeling and not blow it out to 500 words and by the end of it think, “what the hell am I on about?”

I am beginning to understand how all my University tutors felt trying to read my essays.

 

Right, self discipline.

Here we go.

 

Yesterday I felt lonely. Well I still feel lonely today however today I turned my phone off, which you might think contradicts the emotion I’m feeling, but let me explain.

Having my phone with me at this time of complete Hangman Limbo in my life consistently reminds me of how boring and mundane my days are. When I feel lonely (which to be honest only happens maybe once every month or so) that feeling is amplified so I begin to become angry and aggressive, especially when it comes to connecting with other people.

I begin to get annoyed that a) no one is bothering to talk to me, and b) if they are messaging back, they don’t seem to show the slightest interest in having a “deep and meaningful.”

When IN REALITY they all have lives they’re living, things to do, people to see, things to occupy their minds and actions. It’s not a personal attack on me. I’m not boring or not worth getting to know, they are just captivated by their own musings.

 

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When I was about to tuck myself in last night I read a little bit about an artist’s life – she’d had polio, been in an accident which meant she was in pain a lot, and had said “I paint myself a lot because that’s who I spend the most time with” or something along those lines and it sort of hit a nerve.

Sometimes I am in pain, or having to deal with something I’d rather not have to deal with, and sometimes I am alone, but at least she was not sitting next to her phone wishing it would ring while she watches Sex And The City for the millionth time (and that show ALWAYS makes me incredibly mad for some reason) and realised another day has been wasted.

 

So that’s where self discipline comes in.

I know I have blogged about this before, in the 6 years I’ve been on WordPress it’s not the first time I’ve encountered this problem, but it’s the first time I think I’ve been sick of running around and around in circles.

So that’s why my phone is off. It’s similar to not buying chocolate at the supermarket so when you’re at home you can’t pig out on in. i am being my own parent to the teen inside me that really needs a break from her vices.

Ha, yes, I am grounding myself. If I can’t get my shit together and do the things I love without being sidetracked then I have to.

Sorry, self.

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Personal

Reality

“…And remember that comparing your reality to other people‚Äôs causes much unnecessary stress.”

From Creative Numerology on WordPress.

It’s an easy thing to forget, isn’t it? Especially these days with social media and media in general bombarding us constantly of what others are doing with their lives. I’m not saying it’s a good or a bad thing – it’s just a “thing” in our society now.

I like the ability of being able to see what my friends or random strangers are getting up to. If you take it in the right light then it can be motivation or encouragement; give us ideas of how to expand our own experience.

Difficulties make comparing our lives to other’s pretty much a given. It takes a strong nerve not to do it. It’s universal.

 

The quote is right. It does cause unnecessary stress.

Sometimes the only way I get through my trials is by believing that eventually my life will become what I’ve always seen it as in my mind.

Sometimes, when I’m going through those trials I have to disconnect myself from others even if their messages are positive because I’m in no state to receive.

I step back because everything is relative and I don’t want to put pressure on myself to force anything.

Inside I believe you know when the time is right and when you’re still in your cocoon becoming the butterfly. If you’re still cocooning then take everything you see others doing with a grain of salt. Not in the sense that it’s not real, or it’s faked, but with the sense of knowing that one day you’ll be living up to your true potential.

 

Enjoy the reality of others and respect where you’re at. That’s all I can really say. I know how hard it is, believe me.

 

 

Today on the farm was cold and windy. I went through another level of healing that was draining and I know I’m still not out the other side yet but I’ll sleep off what I’ve done and try to face the next stage tomorrow.

The animals were in bed by 2pm and my bird Sandy continued to sit on her eggs.

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Personal · relationships

In Bed By 9 O’Clock

Just as the title suggest I’m snuggled up in bed with my ear plugs in and my hot water bottles burning, like one of those bugs in a rug people are always going on about, at 9pm on a Saturday night.

It’s not unusual for me not to have plans on a weekend but I’m usually still up with my parents watching TV and talking rubbish.

I sort of just got this urge to be on my own and rest. I can be on my own in my room but I didn’t even feel like going online or drawing like I have done the past couple of days. It just seemed like a great idea to get under the covers and play a few games on my phone, then slowly drift off to sleep.

 

Today was very productive. I finally got around to cleaning up the front room in my parents house. It turned into a dumping ground for all my stuff when I moved back home, and with the birds often sitting out there too they made one hell of a mess (guys, birds are fucking messy pets, but they’re worth it.)

If there’s one thing I love doing it’s cleaning up and being able to see the difference. It’s relaxing and soothing for me, and I’ve heard it can be for others with anxiety too.

My father is feeling better and my mother baked cookies for us today. I spent some time with the chooks outside inbetween busting my butt and the sun was gorgeous and warm. One of those perfect Autumn days.

 

My close friend messaged me about being dumped by a girl. I wasn’t even aware he was seeing anyone. I suppose that was part of the reasoning though. He said that they were just being casual about it and all of a sudden she turned around and accused him of not being serious enough.

In reality they just didn’t really have time for each other and it sort of just wasn’t going anywhere.

i told him that with the right girl it’s going to be really super easy, it won’t matter about labels or time or money or anything. You’ll just be so into each other everything else won’t matter.

 

My ex has gone away for the weekend with friends and their kids. I sent him a message wishing them well and I’m just going to leave it at that.

To be honest all that talk with my close friend made me remember just how simple it was with my ex and trying to figure out what happened, but he can’t put his finger on it either. He blames his past relationship but if that was the case he would never have opened up to me in the first place.

Plus if it was a case of two people just not fitting or being able to work out we still wouldn’t be bothering. We wouldn’t still be calling each other by the nicknames we somehow acquired or talking about sexual things either.

Sometimes shit just happens and we don’t know why.

But I am very happy where I ended up. Waking with my family every day. Being able to help them out while both they and I recover. No stress. No pressure.

It’s the little things in life. Not a doubt in my mind.

Anxiety · Personal · relationships

Peace Of Mind

Today here, on the farm, was just another uneventful day in relation to what others are probably out there doing. Just to be clear I’m not comparing in any sort of negative way, it was just pretty straight forward.

From somewhere or another I had quite a bit of energy. I washed the dishes when I got up, let the animals out, bugged my birds, got firewood, made apple muffins, and promptly wore myself out. Lit the fire, looked after my parents with teas and hot water bottles, and now I’m in my room feeling like I want to draw again.

 

My ex was overly friendly again but it seems as though he’s thinking with a part of his male anatomy. I hope that’s not the reasoning behind his turn around in attention but it’s looking pretty likely, isn’t it?

I don’t really mind at the moment because I’m in a good mood. I’m not actually all that aroused by his talk though. I’m dealing with my own stuff here and I’m starting to align more with my integrity and needs. It has to be more than just sex for me and while I know we seem to have some sort of connection, that’s not really going to cut it for me anymore.

But I’m not going to be premature about this. It’s not overly important at the moment, my health and peace of mind is.

 

I can’t believe it’s already close to being the end of another month. At least at the end of this month my mother will know, after a year, how her brain is going and if any tumor came back. I’ll also get to see my auntie whom I haven’t seen since I was about 10 or so.

I tried to message my cousin but for some reason the message isn’t going through. I’ve sent a message to my aunt to see if my cousin uses the app, so we’ll just see what happens.

I had a look at my cousins pictures on Facebook and it looks like she’s quite the drawer/artist too. There has to be a gene for it hahaha but something tells me we’re going to have a LOT in common.

 

 

 

Anxiety · Health · Personal · relationships

Hot And Cold

I managed to do a little bit of drawing last night, nothing planned, no goals or anything, just picked something a drew it.

I decided to draw a dragon head again – I used a goat’s head as a reference because the two are very similar, what with the horns and everything, and I tried to make it all vicious but it just turned into a very sweet looking, wise lady dragon.

 

I wasn’t feeling as energetic today. I let the chickens and duck out for a while but it was windy and cold, so I just collected some wood and dragged myself around the house.

It was just one of those days to spend inside. At the moment days just blend into each other. Tonight I was going to do some more drawing but I’m not feeling up to it, I had a shower instead. But why not do both you might ask. Some days I only have energy enough for one. Hahaha.

 

Today was an “up” day in regard to my ex-boyfriend. Even I was surprised. He must have woken up on the right side of the bed. That song sung by Katy Perry, what is it? Hot and Cold? I never met anyone who filled that song’s shoes more than him at the moment.

 

My friend’s housemate almost burned their rental down. He tried to cook something but then decided to go out and left oil in the pan on the stove. Thankfully my friend got home a quarter of an hour earlier than when he had planned and caught the fire before it spread too much.

I do honestly wonder what happens in these people’s minds. He must have had a lot on his mind.

 

So that’s it for today. I’ve settled in with my parents to watch The Spy Who Loved or something like that and little Monkey perked on top of my laptop. Little Sandy has made herself a little nesting place and so she’s busy with that.

 

Anxiety · Personal · Relationship

Well, Duh

Still feeling a bit off today, but that’s the game of healing I suppose.

I’m sitting in my room with an oil heater on but it’s been an hour and it feels like the cold is still nipping at my toes. Takes forever for it to warm up a room so I might come back later to do some drawing/art.

 

It happened again last night. After he left me on read since 6pm I sent him a message at about 11pm simply saying “goodnight”. I had worked myself up into a real state – and I’m not sure whether that was the reason I couldn’t sleep all night or if it was something else.
Anyway, I picked up my phone again an hour later (cause that’s what I do when I wake up, I need to know the time for some reason) and he’d replied a minute later with “goodnight (nickname)”.

I was even more “wtf” and I sort of vowed that I was done for a bit. I need a break from him and whatever the hell he thinks he is doing (which is probably absolutely nothing but rather he is unaware of how confused and hurt I am which is not his fault) HOWEVER this morning when my parents and I were looking up what day we were born on the Internet I looked up his as well and then sent it to him! As if I have some sort of autopilot inclusive reaction.

 

I think Tesla got it right when he preferred to remain single and celibate so it freed up his mind to work on “more important things.”

The problem is changing 30 years of conditioning that told me my love should be directed at another (or other) person/people. If I could only just direct it at my career (or towards figuring out what that’s going to be) or creating something, or, you know whatever.

You know I think I actually could do that if it wasn’t for this blasted anxiety.

I would love more than anything to go out in the community and help others but to be a volunteer there’s the responsibility to be reliable and dependable, and to not freak out at a moments notice and have to run away.

 

 

On a more positive note I managed to reconnect with some of my family on Facebook. I finally found my Aunty (who is coming to visit in just over a week) and then my cousin added me as a friend right after that.

Usually I am pretty nervous about this sort of thing, because the last time I actually spoke to or saw my cousin was when I was about 7 and, you know, anxiety can be a pain about this sort of thing, but I’m actually really excited to chat to her. It’s the downside of my family being stretched so far and wide around Australia and us growing up in the age just before the Internet. It’s sad to say but we just drifted apart.

Seeing someone like my ex-boyfriend constantly around his family, constantly connected and supported, I just thought – I want that. I’ve had about 10 years of my anxiety pushing me further and further away from others and being with him made me realise that despite me being the kind of person that has to recharge away from others, I do actually enjoy people’s company and connectivity is the cure, in a way, to some aspects of anxiety.

Anxiety is so weird it’s like “stay away from people!” but then when you’re panicking it’s like “no one will help us!”

Well, duh.

 

Anxiety · life · Personal · relationships

Our Way Of Loving Isn’t Compatible

duckers

I lost my duck.

Not as in, “where did my duck go?” but as in a fox-killed-and-tried-to-carry-away-my- duck, lost my duck.

I was heart broken on Tuesday. It’s one of those moments were you just don’t want to believe your eyes but there it is. My mother thought I’d seriously injured myself, or been bitten by a snake, the way I returned to the house through my tears.

I had some help in letting a lot of my grief go the next day but today it was a little difficult because the other duck (pictured above further away from the camera) was standing at the fence calling out to her, hoping she’d just waddle back up the paddock again.

To be honest, losing Quackers has emphasized even more how important it is to love and be loved now. Not just in the stock-standard way but in the way that makes you feel good about being you.

Everyone loves in different ways, even though the feeling of love is universal.

When I was sitting on the Earth in the garden earlier today, keeping the other duck company, I thought about how much of my life has been spent trying to get people who cannot love me the way I want to be loved, to do just that.

Only, in trying to get them to conform to what I needed, the tables turned into me believe that their way of loving was the right way and maybe I really did need to “toughen up” or that I was “too nice.”

Because they always say “you can’t change other people, only yourself” – but what if you don’t actually need to change yourself. What if you’re not supposed to?

 

This is the way my musings have been leaning lately. Being away from everything, on a farm, in nature, with all of the important things under one roof, is very helpful for reevaluating.

I had an odd conversation with my ex this afternoon – I joked that a girl from work had her sights set on him, it’s obvious when a girl crushes on a guy via social media, and he said, “yeah, she asked me out a few months ago but I said no.” Then, of course, we rehashed that he was focusing on himself anyway, to have a break from all that, and the more times I hear that the less my heart glows for him.

To be clear I wasn’t jealous or fishing for information I was more taken aback by the realisation that hey, he doesn’t share much with me anymore.

He has been fine, it’s got nothing to do with him, it’s just me not putting my boundaries up as usual. He is lucky because he still gets the openhearted, loving version of me however I get the closed-off, friendly version that everyone else gets. It doesn’t make me feel special in anyway, other than when we sext, but afterwards it’s back to closed-off “not a priority” again and my heart doesn’t deserve my constant dragging of her through the metaphorical mud.

None of this is his fault, he has been upfront, the responsibility lies with me to set my boundaries and be true to how my heart feels. We may have a connection, we may have a love between us, but sometimes it might not be right. I should have the balls to say if he is going to treat me as a friend, then a friend is all he will get in return. Not vindictively but truthfully.

 

In the beginning of next month I will be going back to the old city and have asked him if he would like to hang out. He is keen but I am feeling as if I need to make sure he knows how I feel and that it’s highly likely I won’t be physical with him.

I need to stop opting for short-term gratification when I know my happiness lies in long-term compatibility.

I know in my heart I’m ready for love.