Anxiety · Happiness · Love · relationships

Three Little Piggies (Three Things I’ve Learned From Relationships)

After watching a dating show tonight and observing the diversity that is the human race, I began to think about what I’d learned from personal relationships, and I thought it was about time that I correlated this data and set about learning my lessons.

Interestingly all these discoveries are tied in some way.

First thing I discovered for myself is that there has to be a balance between the heart and the head. When I fall (hard) in love I tend to let it take me over completely. Screw taking any time to think it through, I’m just mad for it. It’s not because I’m afraid of being alone, it’s just that feeling I crave. Not the attention or affection but that connection with someone on a deep level that really draws me in. Because of this connection I don’t take any time to consider who this man I’m giving my heart to is as a person. I’m one of those “I fall for your potential” types and it’s really got me into trouble.

Also, because of this heart leading the head thing I tend to break values and morals of my own in order to fit this man into my world. For example, and this is a pretty general example, I swore to myself I’d never be with a guy who smoked. Right after my last year at high school I found myself dating someone who not only smoked, but often smoked pot. Just because of that “connection” feeling, and the love I experienced, I thought to myself well he’s not smoking while he’s around me so, what the hell?

Eventually in my other relationships I continued to ignore my own rules and did things that I later regretted. I now know that if you’re going to love hard you’ve gotta keep your head about you and distance yourself if it’s not working, regardless of the feelings.

Secondly, and probably obvious to a lot of you out there but not so much for this gal, is that a romantic relationship should not replace every other relationship in your life. Anna Faris has it right when she says different people in your life should offer different types of support and love to you. Don’t get me wrong, I want my future relationship to hold a man whom I feel is a great, supportive lover to me, but I’ve made the mistake of my significant other taking on every single roll I needed fulfilled; a mistake for both me and for the poor guy.

I suppose I should cut myself a little slack because it is hard to establish and maintain other relationships when anxiety and panic is a part of your life. Romantic relationships have that extra level about them that help your partner overlook that aspect however potential friends do not. So I suppose that’s why I’m going to bar myself from another relationship until I’ve proved to myself I can be social, hold down other sorts of relationships and social excursions.

Thirdly, I used to think I knew what I wanted in a man… that was until my most recent relationship. Preferences can change, but most of all I realise that the more you know yourself, the more you take responsibility for your own happiness and self-care, the more it challenges the relationship you think you want.

I think this comes on the coat tails of co-dependency. I wanted a man to “attach” to me, to feel “lost” without me, for me to be their whole world but when I experienced myself as more than what my mental health was allowing (through the mellow nature of Zoloft) I finally emerged as an independent woman who really wanted to enjoy life. Lo and behold once I did that, once I started putting more priority in myself and what made me happy, I attracted a man far different than the others I had dated… and I really liked it.

The great thing about these independent men is that they fall hard in love too but they respect the need for space and personal identity. The wonderful thing about falling in love from this different perspective was the lack of seriousness. Of course everyone wants an exclusive thing with someone, but I actually didn’t care what happened – I was having fun in the moment and what’s more, my priority was to myself.

 

This all leads nicely into making sure I’m a whole person, inside and out, before entering into another relationship but I’ll leave that for another time.

 

 

 

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Anxiety · Happiness · Health · relationships

Inspired Action

I’ve been offline for most of my time these days. It’s not as though I feel I’ve needed any “break” but I just don’t feel inspired. The only type of “online” that I tend to do is Instagram because that is easy. I don’t need much effort at all to point my phone camera at something and share it with the world.

I mean, have you ever found yourself in life limbo? You’re not willing to keep pushing the same ‘past you’ around, but you’re not quite to the new you yet… so you kind of potter around, aimlessly, waiting for that inspiration to strike.

“Of course! That’s who I am. Onwards!”

I have every faith that things will eventually fall into place but in the meantime I’m… well I don’t even want to say “wasting my time” because how can you be wasting time if you’re yet to set an end point to reach? Well, I certainly don’t think I am anyway.

 

In regard to my last post about letting things go I don’t think I gave myself enough credit; there are some things I have let go of that I didn’t even notice until a couple of days ago. I realised that I’d let go of caring what other people think of me.

If I were to look at myself and my life from an outside perspective it would, of course, look as if I am doing nothing, I have no job, no partner, no children, and it would seem I do the same thing every day. Get up, eat, drink, farm work, watch some tv, eat, drink, and then sleep. Meanwhile, my priority has been set at bettering myself mentally, emotionally and physically (something that is personal and I’m not going to share with others) – and all of that stuff, obviously, you can’t see… until, of course, you finally tip everything in your favour and then THAT’S when the progress will be obvious.

I realised that the anxiety and panic I’ve had in my life has taught me to care more and more about my own healing, my own point of view about myself, rather than take what others say to heart.

I’ve had my parents, family, boyfriends, friends, bosses, random people tell me I wasn’t trying hard enough when I was! So I was generally doing my best everyday PLUS trying to prove these people wrong and I just got tired of it.

There is unnecessary stress in the pressures society and others will place on us and I just couldn’t be bothered to care anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to walk outside with no clothes or any such thing to prove this, but you must get what I mean.

So hooray! I can at least let go of some things, so that’s a good sign it might become easier in the future.

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Health · Love

Letting Go

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been thinking of the concept of letting things go. Some people find it very, very easy to let go of something and move forward while others, such as myself, really struggle with this concept.

I’ve tried many different ways of letting go. I’ve tried pretending I don’t care, I’ve tried distance, I’ve tried destruction and I’ve tried forgetting. I’ve tried coming to peace with it, I’ve tried altering beliefs in order to give it up and I’ve tried forcing myself.

But I still struggle with letting go and I have no idea why.

It’s probably the best time now to explain that I’m talking about letting go of fears and doubts rather than actual, physical objects.

I read recently that the only reason people hang onto things is because they think it’s useful for them; I mean it’s actually useful to be afraid of snakes, especially in Australia, because chances are it’s extremely poisonous – thus, you keep your distance and not go up and give it a hug.

Then there are the irrational fears, the fears or doubts you can’t quite put your finger on. For example, it’s irrational (to me, at least) to be afraid to stand up for yourself, and I would love nothing better than to have my own back. However, if I’m faced with a situation where I need to hold my own I completely freeze. I’m one of those people that can think of the absolute best comebacks a day after I’m confronted.

It’s also common to hold onto things because they once made you happy, and I do this too mostly with relationships. I’m a clinger, and I probably would never have admitted to that even just 2 months ago. In this case I would love nothing better than to love myself enough to just let go of something (or someone) that is not working, but instead I have to try and “make it work” just because they make, or made, me feel happy.

Even within the acceptance of my own behaviour it is STILL not enough to let it go. Even holding up a mirror to my own actions and seeing it from a logical place cannot convince my emotions to see it the same way.

It has only been quite recently that I realised a part of me was terrified of relationships.

Me. The wonderful lady with the kind heart is TERRIFIED of men.

For a while there I was blaming my body for not knowing the difference between excitement and fear (which is the way a lot of specialists have tried too pass off my anxiety) but once I started putting two and two together, that I’ve always been very skittish and nervous around romantic interests, that got me thinking – maybe it’s not my body, maybe it’s me.

I couldn’t work out why most of my first dates had me freaking out, unable to eat, unable to relax until I’d had a full on panic breakdown. Then, as the relationship progressed I had to become a fraction of who I really am in order to survive in it.

I mean I LOVE to love. It’s my thing, So how on earth could I be acting this way in regard to relationships.

I still don’t know the answer. I’ve never had a situation in my life that would warrant this kind of response, but knowing me I will eventually find out.

 

I guess my point is that over my 30 odd years of being alive I can now pick out my patterns, try my best to change or overcome them, but find myself no closer to letting them go. So many times I’m told “just get over it”, “move on”, “you can do it” but, like, HOW? I’ve been trying for years but I just seem to be missing the Letting Shit Go gene.

 

 

Anxiety · life · Personal · relationships

Sorry, Self

Okay, so I’m going to start this again.

Surely I can take a concept of how I’m feeling and not blow it out to 500 words and by the end of it think, “what the hell am I on about?”

I am beginning to understand how all my University tutors felt trying to read my essays.

 

Right, self discipline.

Here we go.

 

Yesterday I felt lonely. Well I still feel lonely today however today I turned my phone off, which you might think contradicts the emotion I’m feeling, but let me explain.

Having my phone with me at this time of complete Hangman Limbo in my life consistently reminds me of how boring and mundane my days are. When I feel lonely (which to be honest only happens maybe once every month or so) that feeling is amplified so I begin to become angry and aggressive, especially when it comes to connecting with other people.

I begin to get annoyed that a) no one is bothering to talk to me, and b) if they are messaging back, they don’t seem to show the slightest interest in having a “deep and meaningful.”

When IN REALITY they all have lives they’re living, things to do, people to see, things to occupy their minds and actions. It’s not a personal attack on me. I’m not boring or not worth getting to know, they are just captivated by their own musings.

 

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When I was about to tuck myself in last night I read a little bit about an artist’s life – she’d had polio, been in an accident which meant she was in pain a lot, and had said “I paint myself a lot because that’s who I spend the most time with” or something along those lines and it sort of hit a nerve.

Sometimes I am in pain, or having to deal with something I’d rather not have to deal with, and sometimes I am alone, but at least she was not sitting next to her phone wishing it would ring while she watches Sex And The City for the millionth time (and that show ALWAYS makes me incredibly mad for some reason) and realised another day has been wasted.

 

So that’s where self discipline comes in.

I know I have blogged about this before, in the 6 years I’ve been on WordPress it’s not the first time I’ve encountered this problem, but it’s the first time I think I’ve been sick of running around and around in circles.

So that’s why my phone is off. It’s similar to not buying chocolate at the supermarket so when you’re at home you can’t pig out on in. i am being my own parent to the teen inside me that really needs a break from her vices.

Ha, yes, I am grounding myself. If I can’t get my shit together and do the things I love without being sidetracked then I have to.

Sorry, self.

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Personal

Reality

“…And remember that comparing your reality to other people‚Äôs causes much unnecessary stress.”

From Creative Numerology on WordPress.

It’s an easy thing to forget, isn’t it? Especially these days with social media and media in general bombarding us constantly of what others are doing with their lives. I’m not saying it’s a good or a bad thing – it’s just a “thing” in our society now.

I like the ability of being able to see what my friends or random strangers are getting up to. If you take it in the right light then it can be motivation or encouragement; give us ideas of how to expand our own experience.

Difficulties make comparing our lives to other’s pretty much a given. It takes a strong nerve not to do it. It’s universal.

 

The quote is right. It does cause unnecessary stress.

Sometimes the only way I get through my trials is by believing that eventually my life will become what I’ve always seen it as in my mind.

Sometimes, when I’m going through those trials I have to disconnect myself from others even if their messages are positive because I’m in no state to receive.

I step back because everything is relative and I don’t want to put pressure on myself to force anything.

Inside I believe you know when the time is right and when you’re still in your cocoon becoming the butterfly. If you’re still cocooning then take everything you see others doing with a grain of salt. Not in the sense that it’s not real, or it’s faked, but with the sense of knowing that one day you’ll be living up to your true potential.

 

Enjoy the reality of others and respect where you’re at. That’s all I can really say. I know how hard it is, believe me.

 

 

Today on the farm was cold and windy. I went through another level of healing that was draining and I know I’m still not out the other side yet but I’ll sleep off what I’ve done and try to face the next stage tomorrow.

The animals were in bed by 2pm and my bird Sandy continued to sit on her eggs.

 

Anxiety · Happiness · Personal · relationships

In Bed By 9 O’Clock

Just as the title suggest I’m snuggled up in bed with my ear plugs in and my hot water bottles burning, like one of those bugs in a rug people are always going on about, at 9pm on a Saturday night.

It’s not unusual for me not to have plans on a weekend but I’m usually still up with my parents watching TV and talking rubbish.

I sort of just got this urge to be on my own and rest. I can be on my own in my room but I didn’t even feel like going online or drawing like I have done the past couple of days. It just seemed like a great idea to get under the covers and play a few games on my phone, then slowly drift off to sleep.

 

Today was very productive. I finally got around to cleaning up the front room in my parents house. It turned into a dumping ground for all my stuff when I moved back home, and with the birds often sitting out there too they made one hell of a mess (guys, birds are fucking messy pets, but they’re worth it.)

If there’s one thing I love doing it’s cleaning up and being able to see the difference. It’s relaxing and soothing for me, and I’ve heard it can be for others with anxiety too.

My father is feeling better and my mother baked cookies for us today. I spent some time with the chooks outside inbetween busting my butt and the sun was gorgeous and warm. One of those perfect Autumn days.

 

My close friend messaged me about being dumped by a girl. I wasn’t even aware he was seeing anyone. I suppose that was part of the reasoning though. He said that they were just being casual about it and all of a sudden she turned around and accused him of not being serious enough.

In reality they just didn’t really have time for each other and it sort of just wasn’t going anywhere.

i told him that with the right girl it’s going to be really super easy, it won’t matter about labels or time or money or anything. You’ll just be so into each other everything else won’t matter.

 

My ex has gone away for the weekend with friends and their kids. I sent him a message wishing them well and I’m just going to leave it at that.

To be honest all that talk with my close friend made me remember just how simple it was with my ex and trying to figure out what happened, but he can’t put his finger on it either. He blames his past relationship but if that was the case he would never have opened up to me in the first place.

Plus if it was a case of two people just not fitting or being able to work out we still wouldn’t be bothering. We wouldn’t still be calling each other by the nicknames we somehow acquired or talking about sexual things either.

Sometimes shit just happens and we don’t know why.

But I am very happy where I ended up. Waking with my family every day. Being able to help them out while both they and I recover. No stress. No pressure.

It’s the little things in life. Not a doubt in my mind.

Anxiety · Personal · relationships

Peace Of Mind

Today here, on the farm, was just another uneventful day in relation to what others are probably out there doing. Just to be clear I’m not comparing in any sort of negative way, it was just pretty straight forward.

From somewhere or another I had quite a bit of energy. I washed the dishes when I got up, let the animals out, bugged my birds, got firewood, made apple muffins, and promptly wore myself out. Lit the fire, looked after my parents with teas and hot water bottles, and now I’m in my room feeling like I want to draw again.

 

My ex was overly friendly again but it seems as though he’s thinking with a part of his male anatomy. I hope that’s not the reasoning behind his turn around in attention but it’s looking pretty likely, isn’t it?

I don’t really mind at the moment because I’m in a good mood. I’m not actually all that aroused by his talk though. I’m dealing with my own stuff here and I’m starting to align more with my integrity and needs. It has to be more than just sex for me and while I know we seem to have some sort of connection, that’s not really going to cut it for me anymore.

But I’m not going to be premature about this. It’s not overly important at the moment, my health and peace of mind is.

 

I can’t believe it’s already close to being the end of another month. At least at the end of this month my mother will know, after a year, how her brain is going and if any tumor came back. I’ll also get to see my auntie whom I haven’t seen since I was about 10 or so.

I tried to message my cousin but for some reason the message isn’t going through. I’ve sent a message to my aunt to see if my cousin uses the app, so we’ll just see what happens.

I had a look at my cousins pictures on Facebook and it looks like she’s quite the drawer/artist too. There has to be a gene for it hahaha but something tells me we’re going to have a LOT in common.