So weirdly enough, I’m not crying. I’m not entirely sure if that’s because I am stopping myself or if I don’t want to. Perhaps I respect myself too much to get into all the drama this time around.
Things with my ex were going along as usual. Hot, cold, up, down. We’d just found ourselves in another wonderful up when suddenly, out of no where, a slump.
Of course my intuition knew something was up but I was assured that everything was fine. Well, you should always listen to that little voice.
About 40 minutes ago I was hit with the “wakeup call.”
I said that I couldn’t wait to see him, as we’d just only a week or so ago discussed him visiting, and I was just not prepared for what his response was:
“I was looking forward to it too but it’s not really fair on you as I’m trialling dating a girl to see how it goes or if I’m ready.”
A literal wave of heat and fear washed over me. To tell you the truth I was a little dumbfounded.
Too many feelings and questions started racing through my head and to tell you the truth I felt physically ill. Again. It was happening to me AGAIN.
I was being replaced. AGAIN.
All I managed to choke out (even though this was via messages) was “well I feel like an idiot.”
I also rattled off that I thought we had a special connection. To be honest I really don’t know what else to say.
All that bullshit he spouted off about not even being sure he wanted all of that relationship stuff, and still healing from the marriage break up, and he’s jumping into bed with someone else.
The things I started to question where: “if you’re feeling ready to date again, why not me?” and “if you insisted on your visit only just being because you wanted to see me, not have sex, then what does this new informs even mean? You are only still my friend because you were wondering if we would eventually work out? Are we not good friends?”
This ALWAYS happens. ALWAYS. I ALWAYS know I should back away, to get out with my feelings in tact but I NEVER do!
To add insult to injury he dropped his bombshell and has now gone silent. The least he could do is talk this through with me, I mean, we had a nice thing together and there’s no common decency to at least talk?
I assume he is afraid, he’s obviously afraid of what I was going to say, how I was going to react. Now, I really do want to completely switch everything off and be alone. Not so much because of what happened, more because I can see my head is NOT in the right place.
I think the hardest thing about this all is the fact that I know gradually, yet again, I will be replaced. He will become just another ex that will stop talking to me, and that’s the thing that hurts the most in this whole situation.
I am so sick of being forgotten about, replace, whitewashed over; not just with exes but in life.
And that last sentence, in this whole post, is the only one I began to feel my eyes watering with tears.
Wakeup calls. Where’s the fucking snooze.