Okay, so I’m going to start this again.
Surely I can take a concept of how I’m feeling and not blow it out to 500 words and by the end of it think, “what the hell am I on about?”
I am beginning to understand how all my University tutors felt trying to read my essays.
Right, self discipline.
Here we go.
Yesterday I felt lonely. Well I still feel lonely today however today I turned my phone off, which you might think contradicts the emotion I’m feeling, but let me explain.
Having my phone with me at this time of complete Hangman Limbo in my life consistently reminds me of how boring and mundane my days are. When I feel lonely (which to be honest only happens maybe once every month or so) that feeling is amplified so I begin to become angry and aggressive, especially when it comes to connecting with other people.
I begin to get annoyed that a) no one is bothering to talk to me, and b) if they are messaging back, they don’t seem to show the slightest interest in having a “deep and meaningful.”
When IN REALITY they all have lives they’re living, things to do, people to see, things to occupy their minds and actions. It’s not a personal attack on me. I’m not boring or not worth getting to know, they are just captivated by their own musings.
When I was about to tuck myself in last night I read a little bit about an artist’s life – she’d had polio, been in an accident which meant she was in pain a lot, and had said “I paint myself a lot because that’s who I spend the most time with” or something along those lines and it sort of hit a nerve.
Sometimes I am in pain, or having to deal with something I’d rather not have to deal with, and sometimes I am alone, but at least she was not sitting next to her phone wishing it would ring while she watches Sex And The City for the millionth time (and that show ALWAYS makes me incredibly mad for some reason) and realised another day has been wasted.
So that’s where self discipline comes in.
I know I have blogged about this before, in the 6 years I’ve been on WordPress it’s not the first time I’ve encountered this problem, but it’s the first time I think I’ve been sick of running around and around in circles.
So that’s why my phone is off. It’s similar to not buying chocolate at the supermarket so when you’re at home you can’t pig out on in. i am being my own parent to the teen inside me that really needs a break from her vices.
Ha, yes, I am grounding myself. If I can’t get my shit together and do the things I love without being sidetracked then I have to.