Still feeling a bit off today, but that’s the game of healing I suppose.
I’m sitting in my room with an oil heater on but it’s been an hour and it feels like the cold is still nipping at my toes. Takes forever for it to warm up a room so I might come back later to do some drawing/art.
It happened again last night. After he left me on read since 6pm I sent him a message at about 11pm simply saying “goodnight”. I had worked myself up into a real state – and I’m not sure whether that was the reason I couldn’t sleep all night or if it was something else.
Anyway, I picked up my phone again an hour later (cause that’s what I do when I wake up, I need to know the time for some reason) and he’d replied a minute later with “goodnight (nickname)”.
I was even more “wtf” and I sort of vowed that I was done for a bit. I need a break from him and whatever the hell he thinks he is doing (which is probably absolutely nothing but rather he is unaware of how confused and hurt I am which is not his fault) HOWEVER this morning when my parents and I were looking up what day we were born on the Internet I looked up his as well and then sent it to him! As if I have some sort of autopilot inclusive reaction.
I think Tesla got it right when he preferred to remain single and celibate so it freed up his mind to work on “more important things.”
The problem is changing 30 years of conditioning that told me my love should be directed at another (or other) person/people. If I could only just direct it at my career (or towards figuring out what that’s going to be) or creating something, or, you know whatever.
You know I think I actually could do that if it wasn’t for this blasted anxiety.
I would love more than anything to go out in the community and help others but to be a volunteer there’s the responsibility to be reliable and dependable, and to not freak out at a moments notice and have to run away.
On a more positive note I managed to reconnect with some of my family on Facebook. I finally found my Aunty (who is coming to visit in just over a week) and then my cousin added me as a friend right after that.
Usually I am pretty nervous about this sort of thing, because the last time I actually spoke to or saw my cousin was when I was about 7 and, you know, anxiety can be a pain about this sort of thing, but I’m actually really excited to chat to her. It’s the downside of my family being stretched so far and wide around Australia and us growing up in the age just before the Internet. It’s sad to say but we just drifted apart.
Seeing someone like my ex-boyfriend constantly around his family, constantly connected and supported, I just thought – I want that. I’ve had about 10 years of my anxiety pushing me further and further away from others and being with him made me realise that despite me being the kind of person that has to recharge away from others, I do actually enjoy people’s company and connectivity is the cure, in a way, to some aspects of anxiety.
Anxiety is so weird it’s like “stay away from people!” but then when you’re panicking it’s like “no one will help us!”