I’m afraid that this is going to be another ex-boyfriend rant, so please look away if you’re not interested. Go and bake a cake or something… incidentally I baked a banana bread today…
I’m just sort of getting to that stage now where I’m less and less impressed with the way things are going between us, or I should probably say my feelings are getting more and more hurt.
While I was walking around the trees this afternoon picking up small sticks for the fire I began to wonder what function, if any, I was actually serving in his life. Sure we are not dating but I did (or do, I don’t know) consider us closer than just people who talk often, like close friends.
Our experiences are very different. I’m here on a farm away from city life. I don’t have a job at the moment – my job is basically to do everything my dad would do while he is healing. Hence I don’t get out much (although with anxiety that’s hard in and of itself) and I don’t talk to many people.
He, on the flip side, lives in a city. He goes to work where he basically talks to everyone and he has a sort of air to him that makes you feel comfortable straight away, so he is that guy that everybody loves.
Let me put it this way: I recently became friends with my Aunty on facebook and am now seriously considering becoming friends with my cousin. He has recently become friends with someone he’s been working with now for maybe 2 weeks, and they have already tagged him in a post.
And I just sort of get this feeling of, well, what even is my purpose here? He obviously would have people falling over themselves to help him so should I even bother anymore?
It’s also getting to the point now where I’m noticing that our conversations are extremely one-sided. It’s not the fact that when we talk he just goes on and on about himself. No, it’s more to keep the conversation going I am always asking him questions. Sometimes he just leaves me on read and when I say something the next day it’s just, “oh sorry, I thought I replied” Ha. Ha. Ha.
And there’s no feeling either. When my duck passed away I was genuinely upset, just as anyone would be if their dog or cat passed. But there was never any “how are you feeling today?” after the fact. Nor did I get any of that when I was sick with a stomach bug. No “are you feeling better?”
I mean I didn’t tolerate friends in the past treating me this way and I wish I no longer wasted my time holding my breath for some kind of consistency.
One minute it’s like it was and the next I’m struggling to understand what’s going on.
Maybe the idea that we’re close is all in my fucking head.
I wish I could put my energy into something else other than who or what I care about. Well, I wish there was a little more balance in that respect.
I wish I didn’t have to feel so alone at times in my life. When you’re going through hard times that’s when you need support and love.
When I think back, when I left the city and came back to be with my parents, he just up and abandoned me.
Apparently “sorting my life out” means I also can’t be in a relationship?
Well I’m getting quite angry about this now and I’ll be fucked if I put more effort into this than he is now. I always give my all to the bitter end, but I guess it’s falling upon deaf ears.