I’m not entirely sure how long it has been since I wrote about things here. I’m not entirely sure how long I haven’t felt like myself.
Over the past few weeks I’ve been quite sick to the point where I didn’t care much what else was going on. I didn’t bother with Instagram or Facebook, didn’t waste any time online at all. Some days I didn’t even play any games on my phone to pass the day.
It’s amazing what in your life manages to fall away when you’re forced to focus on something like health. All the things you worry about in a general sense don’t really matter and all the things you’re trying to hold onto to save face seem to drift off.
Last night just before drifting off to sleep I was having a sms conversation with my ex. At one point I began to feel bored. The conversation was heavily one sided – me always asking him questions, he never asking me anything – and I was coming to the obvious realisation that he wasn’t going to go out of his way to know who I am or keep me in his life in any real way. It’s like the veil of a lie I’ve been telling myself about how “close” or connection is (or was) is being lifted.
To be honest the only reason I seem to message him all of the time is because we have similar humours and a history, so it’s easy to communicate.
Sexual attraction really messes with my mind.
I’m not entirely sure if I will continue to write here. I’ve been writing about my life for about 6 years now, about art, mental health, spirituality, life, personal matters, but I’m wondering if I could perhaps express myself in a different way?
I don’t know how to really explain how I’m feeling. It’s as if all the things that I used to be or do no longer have any bearing.
Perhaps I’ve just lost the passion to connect the way I have been (through introverted activities) and awaken all the ways I used to express myself when I was a child.
I’ve just shifted, and it’s odd.