So I was writing a post earlier today about something that has been bothering me but the more that I seemingly “complained” the heavier I kept feeling.
I say heavier because at the moment I have slipped into another “don’t care” bubble. Not the usual depressive bubble where I’ve felt as though nothing matters or what’s the point, but I just don’t seem to give a shit. It’s not a destructive “not caring” perhaps more of a detachment.
I made some hot chips for lunch and went to sit in the paddock with the chickens. I was enjoying the sun and the sounds of the native, Australian birds, and I thought to myself “maybe it’s good that I don’t care… maybe I could take advantage of this?”
This is on the tail end of my father and I discussing the fact that you can’t see a solution to a problem if you are focused on the problem. What is it Albert Einstein said?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
Sometimes I think that I create this detachment as a sort of break from caring so much about certain things, especially if those things have a huge impact on my heart.
In these moments of self-detachment I begin to start thinking differently about things because I’m not longer emotionally invested.
The thing I was going to write about earlier was to do with relationships, going on and on about how I’m feeling about my ex and how patterns are emerging that remind me of old relationships, and when I sat with the chickens and ate my chips I thought “why don’t I just write about what I do want?”
About how I would be excited to meet a man that was genuinely interested in me, what my hopes and dreams are, what my favourite type of cake is, or just wants to discuss random things that we’re both interested in at the same level that I really get to know the man I’m with.
A man who would welcome me with open arms and an open heart, that was balanced in being able to get things done but also at peace with the process of life. That, no matter what was going on, we were there for each other in every way and he never had a wall up to block me out. To share and to create together.
One who accepted me for having my down times and didn’t force me, who knew that if he supports me I’m more likely to be able to move forward. If I was having a down day, or perhaps even week, he would cover me with a blanket on the couch and hunker down with me to watch TV knowing in the back of his mind that once this passed I would be unstoppable in getting things done.
As everyone wants, I would just like to meet someone who sees my true colours, who I really am, and doesn’t want to change it.
And, of course, someone I am physically attracted to because intimacy is a big part of who I am as well.
After I write all that I am still feeling detached but it comes as a relief to be honest. Sometimes detachment makes me feel better, makes me feel more in control, or perhaps even powerful. My heart is so big that I can’t handle too much heavy emotion weighing on it.
It’s not really about ignoring the things that are making me feel bad, putting a smile on my face and focusing more on the positive so I can skip around being joyful about everything. That is, of course, a goal of mine but this detachment means that I can step back from something that IS A PROBLEM in my life however I don’t see if that way when I’m emotionally attached to it.