Do you think sometimes you have such a hard time being yourself because nothing in the outside world matches the inner you, so you don’t actually know how to be you?
I mean sometimes we can get swept up in the identities of others, or what society tells us we should be, but when we are having those quiet moments and we look at everything we’ve decided to be… I don’t know, does anyone else wonder why half of the stuff they have is in their life?
I do this with clothes shopping sometimes. I walk around with my mum and I buy things but later on I kind of look at it and think, “why did I buy that?”
I knew who I was when I was a kid, then I sort of lost myself for a little while there between the ages of 12 and 16, and after that was when I switched off completely (with my emotions) and even though it wasn’t always right I did actually feel pretty comfortable with the identity I put on.
But that whole identity got old after a while. I didn’t like that I was shut off from myself but also from others. I didn’t think it was a badge of honour to be called “the ice queen” when on the inside I really wanted to be warm and inviting.
Now I’m sort of stuck. I don’t want to go back to that old identity (even though it was the most comfortable) but I don’t really slot into any others.
So I feel like I have to be myself… and yet I don’t know who I am. Sure I can say I’m an artist or musician, or that I’m a daughter, or female, or Australian, you know all that stuff. Although I AM all those things, I don’t know, it’s like they don’t sit right.
My acupuncturist tells me that people wear different hats all the time. For example if you work in a supermarket you put your “customer service” hat on when you’re at work but when you’re at home you’re not going to wear that hat anymore, are you? So you take it off and you put on the “mother” hat or the “I love my 5 cats” hat – you know, whatever floats your hat boat.
I’ve always had trouble with hats. It sort of feels like my hats don’t fit me right. I feel like there’s a hat out there with my name on it but I can’t find it.
Like the person that invented, I don’t know, the car. Nothing like the car was around and then someone thought of it, and then they get to wear the “I thought of a car” hat.
It sort of feels like that, except less cars.
I guess this ties in with my post about searching for an individual artist style too. Perhaps the two are linked? Maybe searching for either will help me find the other?
In other news I’ve just been helping my father around the farm, getting lovely bunches of flowers from my mother, and feeling as if I’m not even on the planet. I’m sleeping maybe a touch better but not as deeply or as restful as I seem to need.
My ex and I are still chatting here and there. He is moving, working and family-ing and manages to chat with me in between which is nice of him. Without that conversation my phone is deathly quiet and I’m starting to feel rather cut off and distant from the world and social life.
I think I might go have a shower. Perhaps that “a ha!” moment will happen.