On Saturday night I had a real pang of feeling lonely. Not alone, because I’m perfectly okay with that, but I suddenly just felt really isolated.
One of my exes (the one I referred to as my partner in a lot of the old posts on here) asked if he could visit with his wife (yes, he is already married) and I agreed. I am honestly one-hundred-per-cent happy for him and at this point would welcome any sort of visit to break up my days.
But the whole thing ushered in feelings of sadness. As in, “someone come and hold me right now.” The kind where you miss physical contact of a loved one.
Prior to this sudden feeling of loss I’ve done pretty well over the last three weeks. My current ex stopped chatting with me, I stopped chatting with him. It took a couple of days but soon enough I sort of didn’t really notice. In fact, it’s as if I’ve come to terms with it all now and I’m pretty much enjoying looking after myself and being single.
Well perhaps his radar went off, or maybe I was picking up on his loneliness, I don’t know but later that night (or should I say early Sunday morning) I received a message from my ex. It was short. It said simply: “Woman I hope you’re doing ok” with a smiley face.
I’m not going to get into the words he used because I could be here forever on that but I was surprised because I sincerely thought he was finished with me or that, perhaps, he had met someone else to “have fun with” and felt awkward continuing things with me.
It went from me sending him messages three weeks ago and him not even bothering to continue a conversation to us starting some back and forth two days ago and even him sending me follow up messages if he gave a short response to elaborated more. We’re still talking as if we never stopped and nobody has addressed why we stopped in the first place – I think we both must feel there’s no need.
However he is still the same old ex. Still keeping his emotions very close to his chest, still pretending he doesn’t care about things when we both know he does, and being somewhat negative about certain things and believing I’m not pushing myself.
For example, I mentioned a time at work where we made out in what was essentially a very public space and he laughed and said he remembered that. Then, his next message was something we didn’t do and proceeded to say “not cool.”
In these sort of situations in the past I have, I supposed, wanted to reassure him or defend myself but this time I called him a Negative Nancy and said “boo-fucking-ho.”
Look I’m not saying that I don’t love him anymore, or that I don’t care about him, but it’s more the fact that my self-esteem and self-worth are pretty high up at the moment and I’m not going to a) apologise for the past, and/or b) apologise for a mental health condition I have no control over (at times.)
It’s that age old saying “I love you but I love me more” and if I’m able to love him for everything that he is including all the not-so-good stuff then he needs to learn how to do the same for me or there is no future here.
In other news I brought some new-beaut paint pens! They are giant pens with acrylic paint in them! The future is now!
Sometimes I have a really great idea for a painting in my mind but with the tools I have in regard to acrylic paints and paintbrushes it’s as if I won’t be able to convey it. Sometimes I just need extra control that a paintbrush can’t offer or as if I have to be holding a pencil to get the idea down – so when I saw these online I decided to splurge $100 to try them. They could be REALLY handy for minute detail that I’ve always wanted to put into paintings but was unable to do.
I should really whip out a canvas and try out all the cool art supplies I’ve brought over the past few months.