I’m someone that dreams vividly so it’s no surprise to me that I can wake up in a “mood” from something Ive had a dream about (it was how my subconscious convinced me it was a super idea to hook up with my now ex) and a few days ago I woke up from one feeling very annoyed and a bit aggressive.
I could be wrong, I can’t quite remember, but I’m not usually aggressive in my dreams. I mean, if dreams are a reflection of your life then of course I’m not going to be angry. Usually I am a bit mousey, shy and generally introverted even when I’m dealing with threats – but it seemed like my subconscious had sort of cracked it.
The dream itself wasn’t unusual. I was with my parents visiting somewhere and I had a person tagging along with me. I didn’t know her, as in it wasn’t anyone I’d met in my life, but I think she was showing us around the town.
So, to get to the point, in the dream the girl asked me if I wanted to come and stay with her for a night or two. However, in my waking life, I still don’t feel strong enough to do certain things and it translates to my dreams. I said to her, “thanks for the offer but I’m still not ready to do that.”
What came next was, what I think, an amalgamation of all the times someone I loved in my life gave me THAT look. You know the one I’m talking about? That hurt/disappointed look? The one that just breaks your heart when someone judges or blames you for something you can’t change (or at least in my case, something I have TRIED to change for 10 years but haven’t been able to.)
Well, I just fucking lost it. I can’t remember exactly what I screamed back at her but I gather it was all the repressed feelings I think I’ve had about the whole anxiety/panic situation – but, to be more specific, the way I’ve been treated throughout.
It’s always that fucking look. I’ve had it from family, boyfriends, friends, co-workers, managers, bosses, strangers and now random figure constructions in my dreams.
And I’m soooooo very tired of it.
I really cannot say this enough, I’m just over it.
As if I don’t feel bad enough AS IT IS that I have to deny myself things, I have to now deal with the guilt you’re raining down on me?
Yeah, no thanks.
And I won’t even get into the hypocrisy of some people and their judgements…
From now on if someone doesn’t take the time to get to know me – or more specifically what is underneath the anxiety – to get to know what it is I have to deal with every day, and doesn’t celebrate everything I have done and/or in the process of doing for myself, then honestly, I just can’t be bothered with them anymore.
I grant you that not everyone has experienced it and just won’t understand.
That’s okay. They don’t have to.
All I really need are people that don’t give me “that” look.