The Easter egg I’m eating tastes a lot like honey…
I know, we’re only 2 days into March and I’m eating a chocolate bunny, but my mother keeps buying them and for the first time today I don’t feel sick to my stomach, so why not, hey?
Well friends to tell you the truth I am feeling a little bit shitty.
I came on here to vent my feelings; my sad, heart-breaking feelings about how my ex is still being a stranger, but then I read something in my drafts I wrote a month ago of the same stuff I have been complaining about lately which was a bit of a slap-in-the-face type moment.
This doesn’t have anything to do with him. He’s been clear about us breaking up. Clear about still caring about me but feeling empty. Clear about not actually wanting help, just working through it in his own time, and obviously now clear about not wanting to talk on a daily or even weekly basis.
Look, I’m good at pushing my emotions down so I don’t have to deal with them or at least not feel them – preferring to feel good, or even neutral, rather than bad. So this cold turkey of not talking, with not so much as an explanation from him, has a part of me reeling in all those things I have refused to think about.
Mostly it just sucks thinking that I will go to sleep at night with him still being a very important person in my life, for whatever reason, and now I possibly don’t have anyone going to sleep thinking the same thing about me (you know, besides my parents and good friends.)
Everyone feels like that. It’s part of being human. It just sucks, you know? It mostly just sucks not having that one person to share things with when something funny happens or to tell you you’re cute when you’re having a crap day.
Anyway today my mother came home from the shops having brought a fridge only for her phone to ring 10 minutes later to say they could deliver said fridge in 2 hours. So her and I went on a mad “get everything off/out of the fridge” frenzy so when they turned up the old one was ready to be removed and the new one put straight in.
It all went really well but she was so tired after all that. I went about packing all the food back in (and getting rid of old stuff) and I was buggered after that too. Probably also because I hadn’t eaten much either on account of the sore stomach so I was running on back-up energy supplies.
My father went on a nice day trip down the coast with other volunteers in our town.
And now everyone in the house is tucked up in bed before 9pm. Takes me back to my childhood school days.
You know the funny thing is that in like 5 years, or even 2 years, time I’ll look back on all this and wonder why I got so worked up about it. I’ll probably be with someone who adores me, accomplishing goals, and looking forward to bigger and better things. My ex and I could even work things out and everything might be good.
Life is weird.