Anxiety · Happiness · Personal · relationships

Shut Up, Brain

On Saturday I woke up feeling about the same as usual but with an interesting twist – my heart was back online. I was (and am) glad that I can tap back into feeling joyful. I was even surprised when I had the urge to be creative.

On Sunday I woke up with a sprained/swollen wrist. It was annoying. I mean I’d only just started to put paintbrush back on canvas and then this? However with my heart back I was at least able to take it all in stride.

I was so successful at keeping my spirits up that by the end of a nice walk I had around the farm that afternoon I had this crazy notion of calling my ex.

Crazy because a) I usually have social anxiety so calling people on the phone for me, even close friends, is an uncomfortable task, and b) I haven’t been particularly happy with my ex of late so why would I want to call him.

However, I did, because my gut feelings don’t just “happen” – there is always some sort of reasoning behind it so I listen.

It was a good time to call because I was feeling positive and super uplifted. When we chatted on the phone I asked questions and reacted which usually, I don’t do. I let other people do the talking and I listen, mostly. My ex is a great person to talk to because he is always making jokes and has a lot to say.

We talked for about 20 minutes and then I went inside to have dinner. A few hours later I picked up my phone to see he had sent me a message about 3 minutes after we finished the conversation, letting me how sexy he thought my voice was with a smiley.

We sent a few messages that night and then one or two yesterday, but have now fallen back into radio silence. I don’t know if he is doing this with everybody or it is just me. I don’t know if he has shut his heart off again and just “reading messages but not replying” and just generally not interested in talking to anyone.

And I’M not sure WHY I’m overanalysing this.

Well, actually I have a fairly good idea why.

I’m stuck at the moment. Stuck with my health, with anxiety, in life and so the only thing I can do is sit around and think too much about things.

I know that if I was quote/unquote “normal” I would have other things to occupy my time – a career, friends, going out places, doing social things, playing music, traveling – and I wouldn’t sit around wondering why a guy I broke up with 5 months ago isn’t talking to me the way I’m used to.

But I suppose it’s not just him – my phone is deathly silent. Sometimes I talk with my best friend, sometimes with another friend who has similar mental health issues as me, sometimes my other exes will randomly message me, but then nothing. Not a thing.

Deep down I am a very social person and I like to have options. One of the hardest parts of anxiety is that it takes away those options so I’m stuck with what I have and it’s increasingly difficult to bring in the new. Yet another reason why I am here, at my parents home, sorting myself out.

To be honest I would really just like to stop thinking about it but it’s easier said than done. I know myself and I’m independent. If someone doesn’t want to talk to me or have me in their life I move on. I do. Stupid anxiety makes me into something I’m not.

I do know now, however, that I am done making all the effort. The next time we talk to each other it is up to him. I’ve called him three times since he came back from overseas and he has called me zero. I’m constantly the one saying hello or messaging about things and he’s always leaving me on “read”.

At least now that I have my heart back I can finally start to feel good and get back into some projects that are joyful.

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