I just have to get this off my chest and then be done with it.
It seems as though the last hurdle I have to jump over right now is just letting my ex go because obviously it is holding me back from not only moving forward in a very material, physical sense but also mentally.
Everyone has a picture of what is and isn’t possible in their life. It’s a very personal thing, something only we can see individually, and it really does dictate everything about us.
What our next move will be ultimately runs off this mental blueprint in our identity.
One example, one I am greatly familiar with, is what you believe you can do if you have anxiety. For me seeing people on t.v just casually catch a plane to another city in Australia is, like, I just can’t comprehend how they do it. I can’t. That’s how much the “anxiety” monster has shaped what future I can see for myself.
Anyway, to get back on track here, I realise that holding onto the idea that my ex and I might one day get back together is preventing me from designing something new for myself. Whatever I think of right now always includes whether or not it would fit into his life too and for someone who has a completely clean slate (no career, no job, no ties, no relationships, no nothing) I am actually limiting what I could do and who I could be as well as the life I could lead.
And, as if to cement this into my mind I opened my WordPress Reader and found an article to do with Numerology – one that I have subscribed to and always seems to have things on point. She wrote about next month, March, which is… tomorrow! Hahaha would you look at that!… and the quote written beside the yearly number it is for me this year said:
You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.
I thought, wow. Literally brushing my teeth 2 minutes ago thinking about my path and this just managed to eloquently capture it all. I can’t change what lies ahead unless I build a better inner identity that doesn’t involve all the old stuff.
Then there were two bits that really popped out:
Form a practical plan of action to protect your overall goals, while honestly assessing whether your current course is any different from the one you have been traveling for the past nine years or more. Be aware of how easily we deceive ourselves into thinking we are doing things differently, when in fact we have simply found a different way to do the same old thing!
Then, give your mind a rest – by accepting your present situation exactly as it is. Only then will you be able to get your priorities in the right order. This month, your mind needs periods of complete relaxation, as much as your body does.
It make me laugh because I was sitting in the lounge room 30 minutes earlier telling my mother how much my mind was swamped with thoughts all because I have too much time to think – and not accepting my reality the way it is right now.
I do often deceive myself into thinking I am doing something differently when I’m really not, but the difficult part of that is how can you do things differently when you don’t know any other way?
I think that comes with emptying the mind and pulling down the constructs of what we’ve allowed ourselves to become in our minds eye.
Really I could be anything or go anywhere and yet I’m boxing in my possibilities by hanging onto someone who clearly has disconnected himself from me, and clearly pushed me to the side until he sorts himself out (or perhaps even becoming comfortable with the idea of being alone for the rest of his life). Why would I hold onto that?
Again, like so many other times in my life, I’m holding onto the PAST. How we connected IN THE PAST. How we related to each other IN THE PAST. How he treated me IN THE PAST. But all of those things don’t mesh in the now, they don’t exsist.
So tonight I’ve just decided to try my best to let it all go in regard to him. He has chosen to not reply to me and so I’m not going to force it. If he wants to talk to me, fine, but I will treat him the way he treats me. I have a huge heart, I am a kind person, but in the end I’m going to treat you the way you treat me. No exceptions.
Well, actually, there is one exception. If someone hurts me I won’t hurt them back, I will just walk away.
The funny thing is that this is new territory for me! I have been holding onto him because I don’t particularly have any focus without it. No direction.
That’s a scary thing, to have no direction.
But I’m going to have to try.