I’ve been thinking a little bit about myself and relationships, especially with significant others (kind of obvious with my last post and all.)
I read a quote recently online… actually I don’t know if it is a quote or not… but it got me thinking about giving and receiving in romantic relationships.
It was along the lines of some relationships being out of whack because the energy was off. Let me explain:
It said that the “men” were supposed to give in a relationship and the “women” are supposed to receive, more often than not. The reason I put quotation marks around men and woman is because I am referring more to the energy rather than gender. In every relationship someone carries more of the masculine energy and the other, feminine energy. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man with a man, a woman with a woman, a man with a woman, or whatever; someone is generally more masculine and one more feminine.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t think that “women” should ONLY receive and “men” should ONLY give because it should be a two-way street, but it does really explain a lot.
It made an interesting point that the reason why a lot of “women” become unsatisfied in a relationship is because for some reason or another they were too quick to jump into the “mothering” role where they become the givers and this throws everything out. The “man” becomes complacent because their “job” is taken and now the “woman” has too many roles to fill and they aren’t having their needs met as a result.
In contrast a “man” might feel unsatisfied because a “woman” stops doing feminine things, “she” becomes the provider insisting on not needing to be provided for.
For me this explains a lot of my relationships. It also explains why when I try to regain the balance the man I’m with suddenly wonders whether or not I love them anymore. By the time the “woman” actually says, “hang on, this isn’t right” the dynamics of the relationship has already been established and it’s difficult to get it right, especially if the other person doesn’t want anything to change.
When I think back on my relationships it really does fit a pattern. When I met my prospective partners I was always feeling independent, self-confident and very sensual. I’d done my best to get my anxiety as manageable as possible and it is generally after a period of time when I decided to take on the world.
When we dated it was the man who would come and pick me up and take me out, I wasn’t at all worried if he was going to call or text me, I would let him do things for me, I was just enjoying my life and happy to have something new in it. In my most recent relationship, with this dynamic, he was the one who wanted to introduce me to his son, to take me out, to do things together and would just randomly turn up on my doorstep to say hello.
As soon as my anxiety started to play up though, then my relationships all went awry. I would start to do things that I would never in a million years do without the anxiety – everything from constantly seeking validation right up to moving in with a boyfriend too soon in the relationship and becoming a “mother”. I would lose my femininity in a cloud of chaos, no longer looking after my physical appearance or being my seductive self (and trust me, I’m feisty.)
Oh, and just to clarify, I am not someone who considers physical appearance to be important overall. A lot of the time I don’t wear makeup or feminine clothing all the time. It’s more about the pride in oneself I’m referring to here.
I can understand how the men in my relationships have become perplexed, especially my most recent ex. He is the most masculine person I have been with (because that’s what I’m attracted to) so for things to shift so drastically must have been a shock. Well, it was, wasn’t it? He’s my ex after all.
It’s also interesting that at the moment the only way he seems to be able to connect with me is via sexual intimacy – which really is the ultimate giving and receiving.
I don’t know about anyone else out there but anxiety does cause me to become a vessel of giving. I can’t feel whole within myself, I can’t reach those good feelings, without doing something for somebody else. That’s why it makes sense to be “whole” when you enter a relationship.
The more and more I began to give to my partners the less and less I would receive and sometimes even start to drive them away because IN THE BEGINNING the dynamics were the other way around.
I am only speaking from experience, mind you. There can be so many factors in a relationship that cause problems or an unbalancing of sorts, but I thought this whole idea was an interesting take on it and the more I juxtapose it against my past relationships the more it is beginning to make sense.
And the more it just seems to be a balancing of energy rather than physical/emotional giving and receiving at all.
And what of my ex?
Well after another super awkward conversation last night, again feeling like I was talking to someone I just met on the bus, I’ve decided to take a break from it all. Not as punishment or a type of “screw him” attitude; I just think it’s my responsibility to use my time a little more wisely.
It’s hard because I am a lover and a lot of the time I do like to have a “crush” so to speak but I need to try, just try, to regain my balance.