Agoraphobia · Anxiety · Health

When The Subconscious Becomes A Minefield

I’ve come to the conclusion lately that we do have a subconscious and it makes up a large portion of who we are. I’ve had many experiences now where conventional things haven’t given me relief but things focusing on the mind in regard to emotions has.

The subconscious, to me, feels like a place where we store everything. Every word said, every conclusion we’ve made, and also every emotion we’ve felt. That’s why I think it’s so easy sometimes to access memories because it is all there, most commonly triggered by music or smells.

My disclaimer at this point to the people I know are thinking it: whether it is “all in the mind” or not it just proves how powerful our minds actually are.

I don’t know about anyone else out there but I am pretty good at hiding my emotions in this part of myself. I mean, I am an emotional person. No doubt about it. If I were to let myself BE that emotional person I would be on a roller coaster every day – and it makes sense that in order to deal with life that one has to shove most of that deep down in fear of being labeled an “emotional person” who can’t “compose themselves.”

Recently, over the past few days, I’ve had the courage to open my heart up; with it has come some very overwhelming energy. Not the kind I expected, mind you, I thought I would sit in bed crying or being overwhelmed by everything… I am actually feeling it in a very physical way. Normally I would be off to the doctors or hospital however having dealt with anxiety and panic attacks for my whole life I know that these symptoms can be part and parcel of this mental illness.

The only difference now is the fact that my physical life is very comfortable. I live with my parents, I have no obligations to force myself into work, I have no dramas, I live on a farm in nature and I can leisurely do what I choose. I am not thinking negatively – I’m not sitting up nights thinking about the future or worrying about what I’m going to do with my life – and I treat myself with kindness a lot of the time.

This feeling is what I would expect if I was about to do something major like give a speech in front of hundreds of people, or go on a date, or fly on a plane… yet I’m sitting in my parents lounge room.

Which makes me wonder, what’s going on in my subconscious right now?

What is it trying to tell me?

I mean I even had a dream about zombies last night and I haven’t had a dream about zombies for a loooooong time.

It’s almost as if there’s a river of emotion trying to come out but I still have it blocked up. You know what I mean? When we’re nervous about doing something like taking a flight or going on a date for the first time there is so much we’re experiencing so it sort of just all piles up in the heart. Like Mr. Burns’ 3 Stooges disease.

indestructible

It’s almost as if you have to prove to your subconscious that you’re ready to deal with it – or perhaps set up some kind of system in order to work through it. I don’t know, I’m just throwing out ideas here.

Either way I’ve come to the conclusion that bottling up everything is just as worse as having outburst of emotion when they come. Perhaps worse? At least when those people have their “outbursts” they are dealing with the emotion when it hits them but I’m stuffing it in my bag saying “I’ll deal with that later” and I never do.

I mean just when I think I couldn’t learn everything else about myself I do! We never stop learning.

What do you think?

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