It’s going to be another hot night. This is the one thing I forget about my parent’s house – summers are sometimes hard to get through. Not so much the hot days but definitely the hot nights, more so when I’m feeling sick and tired already.
I am unfortunately still on the “apathy” train but have not lost sight of my eventual destination which is “personal power” town. I do have to try a lot harder to “care” although I know deep down that I do even if I don’t feel it. There’s no way anything is going to tell me who or what I am, not even mental illness, when I know the truth. I do care.
Things have changed with me. The changes are subtle but I do recognise that the hard work I’ve done over the past 2 years has paid off, finally.
The most obvious is the fact that I’m treating myself very kindly. Even though I have a foggy head and couldn’t concentrate for the life of me, even though my knee is so very painful, stiff, sore and swollen, even though there is dull pain in my stomach and it seems as if the autoimmune problem is destroying all the good work I did to repair my body…
…I still tuck myself in at night as if I was tucking in a member of my family. I allow myself to be tired with no judgement. I cut myself slack and I wrap myself in all the love I am muster, wipe the hair away from my eyes and give my arms a rub.
I’m finding the apathy quite handy in a way because it is helping me to put much needed space between myself and everything in my world. That way I can take a step back an evaluate with the all important question, “is this what I want?”
It’s good to be able to look at something and see what it means to you and what your relationship is to it, to pick up on old patterns and not have emotions sway you this way or that.
Perhaps I’m not actually apathetic but logical?
How do you tell the two apart?
With logic you don’t let your emotions rule your decisions but isn’t that the same as apathy?
Anyway, rhetorical questions aside, I will continue to sort myself out. Not because I think I’m “wrong” or that I need to be “fixed” but because I want to live the rest of my life the way I choose to; with peace in my inner world so I can glow in the outer.