I have been on a long journey. If it has taught me anything it’s that life doesn’t stop. It shifts and changes, rearranges and sometimes repeats, but it is forever flowing.
I made a promise to myself that I would get to the bottom of what is happening to me and I think I am very close.
I can’t see the light just yet but I am learning to trust my gut feelings above all else.
In other news it’s been incredibly hot (all of Australia has been) but a cool change came in today and it is so welcome. I took advantage and spent most of the day outside. I’m helping my father tidy up the farm; doing up a lot of the gardens as well as bits and pieces here and there. Unfortunately I seem to be losing my stamina but nature is one of the best healers/soothers of the soul so I’ll try and spend as much time out there as possible.
My ex-boyfriend/business partner’s wedding was on last weekend. I told him a month ago that I would RSVP but I wasn’t sure if I would make it so don’t expect me. Anyway, my father got very sick that weekend and even if I felt well enough myself I still wouldn’t have left my parents to fend for themselves. About 2 or so hours after the ceremony would have finished I received a message from him asking where I was.
I didn’t feel like getting into a huge thing about how I’d ALREADY explained that I would make it if I could so I just apologised and wished them well, promising to make up for the fact that I didn’t go – and once again there I go keeping the peace.
However the man was with me for four years you’d think he would cut me a little bit of slack by now, knowing that I do my best and if I couldn’t make it then things weren’t going that well. Even after all that he hasn’t messaged back to ask how my father is.
Because of the turn I’ve had in my health my general mood has slipped a lot as you could probably have guessed from my previous posts. This means that I’ve had, and am having, an incredibly short fuse when it comes to others. I lost it a little bit when it came to my most recent ex-boyfriend… not so much AT him but at myself, he was just the target.
I was doing things that went against my values – hell, let’s not beat around the bush here, I was sending him provocative photos (not full on nudes).
The fact that I was sending these things is not the issue – I like my body and a body is just a body, I’m not ashamed of it – it was more the fact that I was doing it to get attention from him. I was also annoyed at him because it seems that when I wasn’t engaging him in this sexting he wasn’t bothering with conversation.
To my amazement I found that when I did that whole “fine, whatever” stuff that girls tend to do when their boyfriends annoy them he responded to it and started treating me nicer… which now begs me to think what kind of level he is really at with relationships.
We both said from the start “no bullshit” and I rather be in an adult relationship where everything is open and honest and neither of us hides anything but the more I think about the way he handles things the more I believe that I may be alone in the “no bullshit” rule.
The ironic thing is generally the “fine, whatever” card is played when we’re annoyed but we want attention, but when I said it I was generally pissed off and didn’t want to talk. I sent the “I’m going to sleep now, goodnight” text, turned my phone off, and went to sleep. Since that day he has been very attentive. The fact that I got a response rather than silence concerns me.
I’ve grown out of hiding my intentions and my feelings with my intimate partner. I’ve grown out of playing games and I really hope he has too because I don’t want drama to be apart of my life anymore. Yes, I am becoming full on 100% an adult where my relationships are concerned.
My realistic, logical self wants me to be prepared for when he closes off his heart again but my emotional, happy-go-lucky optimist wants to believe he’s out for good.
I’m sure I’m probably over-thinking however what is a girl who has anxiety and is housebound to do but to think?