Well I’ve been dragged back into the cave of apathy. It was really nice to be outside smelling the fresh air for as long as I did, long enough to convince me that I could be/do/have more out of life, but I’m back to sitting across the camp fire staring apathy and morose in the face.
I’m feeling completely and utterly detached and, of course, just in time for my ex-boyfriend to poke his head out of his cave and open himself up a little. He has even said that he could be driving past my little town early next week and would like to drop in and say hi. I couldn’t be more excited… but I don’t have any access to that feeling, or any other feelings.
I’m hoping that it won’t be like that time he took me out and showed me one of his hobbies. I was so detached that day he thought I wasn’t enjoying myself and was bored to tears. Nope. Just felt absolutely nothing. I was even faced with some breathtakingly beautiful scenery. I knew I should be feeling something but nothing came. Unfortunately for me my ex seems to be just as good as I am in picking up energies/moods of people and if I try to push or force anything he’s going to know it’s not genuine… and worst of all is I’ll feel that it’s not genuine.
I’m just so sick of fighting with myself. I don’t expect my life to be perfect but I have done everything I can to develop peace within. I’m not trying to change the world, I’m not trying to even change someone I know; I’m just trying to be me.
Not even sexting with my ex has me excited.
Even though it’s probably 40 degrees in my bedroom right now I think I might just go and sit. Just sit and be. For as long as it takes to break through.
Because I can’t stand this anymore.