A couple of months ago I was invited to an ex-boyfriend’s wedding.
If there is anyone out there reading this who is weirded out let me tell you there is no need. I won’t go into why I remain friends with my exes (and let me assure you it’s only the exes who are kind to me), that’s probably a post for another time.
At the moment my beef is whether or not I want to go. Not because of awkwardness or any of that crap but I am still not in a good place with my physical/mental/emotional health. Don’t get me wrong I don’t expect to be perfect but I do want to at least enjoy myself if I go somewhere – at the moment I’m not sure if that’s possible. The days I have are just way too unpredictable; some days I wake up feeling great (or my version of that) and some I wake feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus.
I don’t have too long to decide as the wedding is next weekend. January just sort of sneaked up on me.
There are pros of attending.
One is the fact that I’ll finally have been to a wedding. The last one I went to was when I was about 9 or 10 years old and my mental health ruled out going to any of my school friend’s weddings.
The second is seeing some friends that I met through my ex boyfriend, one of whom I am close to and it would be nice to see her. She also informs me that the cake will be gluten free.
Third being the possibility of seeing my current ex-boyfriend. He and I still talk despite his declaration earlier in our relationship that exes can’t be friends. He informs me that is because we weren’t technically together for all that long but I know he still talks to me for the same reason all the others do (also a story for another time). The wedding itself will only be a few blocks away from where he works so I could pop in.
Fourth is the mere thrill of getting out of the house. Ever since I became very sick I haven’t even been into town. The last place I went with my mother was to the local pet shop to buy some bird seed. At this stage I wouldn’t even brave the mall. However I am a little concerned that a trip to the city might be a jump that’s too big.
The cons aren’t really that big in a sense but big enough to put me off.
I would have to take my parents as I need to actually get to the event and stay in the city and unfortunately my mental health wouldn’t even allow for me to do something normal like catch the train, get an Uber or stay at my friend’s house.
It’s also during the hottest part of the year. For someone who doesn’t like the heat (or at least the dry, windy heat) and has parents who are ailing and actually quite sick, they have opted for an outside wedding. This isn’t a huge affair (on the invitation it says “water and snacks will be available”) but this means that if a certain someone is feeling sick, anxious and needing to use the restroom it’s highly unlikely that I will be able to enjoy myself.
More and more I’m liking the idea of skipping the whole thing and sending a card/letter with some money to wish them luck; also suggesting that we all meet up later in the year (when I am feeling better, hopefully) to celebrate and catch up…
…but there is that feeling that says, “yeah, but what if you do go” and I know when I have those there is a hope I will actually have fun.
No matter what I decided to do with this whole situation I still need to get to a point where I am able to go out. One of my very good friends is having a 30th birthday celebration a week after this wedding and it would be very, very poor form of me not to go. This friend has been there for me for a long time despite all the shit I put him through when my mental illness rears it’s ugly head.
Really I don’t have a good enough excuse because it is here in the town I am currently living in.
At the end of the day all I can really do is try my best, but make sure I am actually trying my absolute best.