When you’re in the midst of an addictive substance you don’t remember all of the reasons why it’s not a good idea. When you’re on to your 10th glass of alcohol you don’t remember that you black out, or that you wake up in strange places, or that you spend a night with your head in the toilet. All you experience at the time is the euphoric high, the buzz, perhaps the connection with other drunken people…
I, currently, am addicted to the way my ex boyfriend makes me feel.
When I talk to him (almost always via messages) I am lost in a sea of smiles and laughter, reminded of the good ol’ days when I was a functioning member of society and life was good. My brain washes all the good feelings over me and I’m allowed to forget about the current way that I feel. I use messaging my ex boyfriend to escape the feeling of sickness, dread, pain and all else that seems to follow me around these days.
And then it wears off, for whatever reason. This time seems to be the fact that he isn’t returning my messages. I don’t know if he has clammed up again (he pushes me away because of baggage) or if he just doesn’t have anything to say, or expects me to carry on the conversation.
The last time this happened he messaged me a week later asking if I’d “fallen off the planet.”
And I was like, no, you just stopped talking to me so I stopped talking to you.
It’s at these moments that you realise you’re addicted to something because it starts to change your behaviour.
For me I’ve found that I got really snarky and angry. All I could focus on for the last two days is fact that it had stopped and I was pissed about that. Lashing out at my friends and family just because he isn’t talking to me and I had nothing to pass my time with and nothing to look forward to.
In the end I know it’s just because I want to feel good but I’m sitting on the edge of my bed trying to come up with ways to replace this whole situation with something else. Problem is that being an artist means often times we don’t know how to create that good feeling, or the inspiration, so we use a muse – something to get the energy rolling.
I’m not going to sit here and say, however, that I need to learn how to love myself more because I already love myself plenty. I know what self love is now and I am perfectly capable of saying “I love me” without breaking eye contact in the mirror.
But it’s all a load of bullshit, isn’t it? I am an advocator of the slogan “happiness is a choice” and then for me to allow something outside of myself to destroy my mood… I’m not really being a good ambassador now, am I?
Can I now be strong enough to stand up and say “I am addicted” and then take steps to walk away? Can I really change years and years of programming that I’ve put in place to say that finding love is the most important thing and when I have it, don’t let go of it?
The biggest question is CAN I create that love within myself fully and completely and use it to replace that programming?
I guess I’ll find out