So I have been away from this blog for, well, a couple of months now and to be honest I couldn’t really think of a way to dive back in. A lot has happened, a lot has changed, and every time I opened a box to write something I would just end up saving the musings and then wandering off…
…but now I am so full of emotion that I have to get this down, and it seems as though anger will be the topic for my first post in a while.
Let’s just put aside the fact that I haven’t really had the best time with my health. It’s been up and down so much over the past few weeks that I don’t really know if I’m out of the woods half the time. It’s enough to piss anyone off.
However, this morning on top of all the pain and discomfort I feel in my body, I now feel it in my heart to.
For a brief overview… my ex-boyfriend ended things with me when I moved back home with my parents not because of distance but because he was still feeling all of these things from his marriage breakup and wasn’t really for the whole “new relationship moving into new family” thing.
However, you all know how it goes with ex’s – if you both still are attracted to each other and care for one another it’s extremely hard to break that behaviour off. Even if you say “we’ll keep talking to each other” it always turns into a relationship again.
Which ours did.
However he would go through these periods again of not talking to me for a day or so. He would treat me like I was a burden rather than someone that just wanted to chat. One minute he would be the kind, sweet, fun guy and the next it was as if I could literally feel him keeping me at arms length.
So I just told him outright that I wasn’t going to be treated like that. Love me, or don’t. It’s simple. I deserve better.
Again we still decided to stay friends (funny for a guy that says you can’t be friends with an ex) and I was going through the worst of my illness so to be honest I didn’t feel much like talking to anyone, so I didn’t mind he wasn’t asking me how I was or what I was doing (which any good-hearted person would do.)
I don’t really want to get into that whole thing really because it’s taking away from what I actually came on here to do which was to vent about something.
This morning I went on FaceBook (oh yes, it’s a FaceBook story) to just see what everyone I knew was up to. Everything was going well until I saw my ex tagged in a photo with his arms wrapped around two girls from work.
I know what you’re thinking but the two girls, not the issue.
My blood started to boil as I just got so angry at him. So annoyed that I was yet again being treated so roughly by someone who has claimed to love me.
There he sits, next to two women I know personally he doesn’t really like – one of which he has told me numerous times he actually avoids when he sees her at work – and I am so mad that these girls get to share time with him and I get absolutely nothing. (I am also a little annoyed at one of the girls too, one I was becoming really good friends with and all of a sudden she stops wanting to hang out – as if I did something wrong. I tried to make up for whatever it was I did but apparently nothing.)
The last couple of times I’ve sent him messages he has seen them and then not bothered to reply (which he used to do when we were together cause he runs around like a chicken with it’s head chopped off, but he would always answer me at some point) and I was the one who actually had to say, “hey, did you get back from overseas okay?”
The last time I sent him a message was on Friday morning – it’s now Tuesday.
I might be a little emotional because if almost being that time of the month, but who needs people like that? Someone that sends you messages from time to time saying “just want to let you know I’m thinking about you” is not worth all the time and effort I put into them.
And the absolute WORST part is me treating someone who is one of the best friends I’ve ever had badly because I’m annoyed at someone that’s not even worth my time.
I was doing the exact same thing to my best friend that my ex was doing to me and I’m so ashamed of my actions.
It’s just another reason why I want to love myself so much that I don’t need to fill some sort of emotional hole in myself.
I have calmed down a lot now, but I think that every time I want to remind myself how much better I deserve I’ll look at that picture.