It’s almost 9:30 and for once I actually feel like going to bed.
Today I had a big day. It was off to the tip in the morning, then into town to sort out my car registration, a spot of window shopping, drop some clothes off to charity, drop in at a chemist, and then back home.
Then at home I helped my father do a bit of work around the farm. One particular “weed” bush has started to spring up everywhere due to all of the rain we’ve had over this part of Australia and if you don’t get a jump on it, it’ll just take over. After that (and a big glass of water) I helped cut up fire wood because we are due for yet ANOTHER day (and possibly few days) of rain!
My anxiety? Well some days, like today when I drove my parents and me around town for almost 2 hours, and did all the grown up stuff I had to do with maybe 10% anxiety cropping up here and there, I was absolutely fine. Would it be different if I was by myself? Probably, but I’m focusing on building my strengths and not berating myself.
Some days there’s no way I want to face anything and I don’t think you could even pay me to leave my parent’s farm.
I even snapped at my “boyfriend” again yesterday when he “pfft”ed the fact that I didn’t feel strong enough to go into town because I didn’t sleep well, telling me if he was there I would have got my “butt kicked” and “off I go to do shit” (I know that sounds a lot harsher than whats intended – he would literally play-kick me on the bottom and we are both swearers, so it’s pretty common place to hear shit, and other words.)
Anyway, I replied with: “Look, you’re in charge of you and your body, I’m in charge of me and mine. You don’t have any experience with mine so shut your face and just be nice, just as I don’t judge you and yours.”
He called me “feisty as” after that where a lot of men would have taken offense but it has all been a really good thing and I think that’s why I keep him around.
He has a very strong sense of his boundaries and what he will and will not accept or do, and really, in a way, he has become a sort of role model for me – but also a good sounding board too. As I said, not a lot of people I have dated would react that way to something I said which makes it a whole lot easier for me to continue to put up my own boundaries without having to worry if I’m going to hurt someone’s feelings.
I’m proud of myself today, though. I am feeling good.
So much so that I’ve planned things to do for tomorrow. Buy some things I need to wash my car, see an insurance place to fix something up, and then possibly buy some t-shirts of which I never seem to have enough of. I am a real fan of t-shirts and to be honest it’s really hard to find them.
Anyway, my acupuncturist (who I still converse with on the phone) is still helping me through everything and the advice she gives me AFTER I seem to be able to change is that I keep on going to prove to myself that something has changed. To “strengthen the new path way.”
Usually, after a day like today, I would look forward to a “rest day” which is a lot like a rest day from the gym or a cheat day with food – just a day when you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to in regard to a specific goal.
I must be doing something right if I’ve already compiled a list of things to do for the next day.
All the best.