I don’t know how in the world I thought that I was only going to spend a month tops at my parents place… but I suppose that was before everything…
…before that moment when I realised that nothing was working in my previous “life”, not just physically but also emotionally and mentally. The job, my “home”, the relationship…
It’s near impossible for one to live their life without knowing who they are or denying their true nature; I’d know, I’ve tried, and really I give kudos to anyone out there who does it without breaking down.
At some point in my life I must have made a vow to myself that I’d never go against who I really am – I’d never live a life that wasn’t in line with my values, beliefs and inner wanting.
Because here I sit, far away from everything I’d been pretending I was happy with – and really I have anxiety to thank for that. It’s almost as if some part of me knew I was unhappy and didn’t want it to continue, then pretty much did everything in it’s power to get me far, far away.
I remember back to before when I was itching to get back to the big city, when I just wanted to get over all of my mental blocks and toughen up. Now I look at what I really wanted to keep a grasp on and I wonder why.
In fact I am still holding on just a little to the old me, the old city, because I am still technically “involved” with my previous lover, but part of me is starting to turning the tides.
Of course I know there is a connection between us, and we really do have a lot of fun when we’re together – we have the same sense of humour, there is a lot of love there – but I am beginning to get sick of the wall he still holds in place between us.
I literally snapped at him the other day for his response for me saying that if given the chance at new love I would jump into it. He stated:
Yes you would jump back into it as you want company to have next to you so your (sic) not lonely
I gave him what for. Not just for what he said but how he presumed to know me and why I do the things I do when nobody knows that except me. Then I thought, crap, how well does this guy even know me? How well does anyone really know anybody without really wanting to know?
That’s why I ask so many questions, not because I’m “chatty” or a “nosey” I just want to understand the people I love better so I can help them better.
He has been hurt from his previous marriage (to which he was very much in love with his wife) and yet I seem to be the weird one who can let it all go in regard to my previous hurts in relationships and start fresh with anyone while he walls himself up.
I have learned how to let go. It didn’t just come over night. And yes letting go HURTS – a lot – but really what’s a little bit of pain now compared to the long, drawn out pain of weeks, months, years even?
I am finding myself a little off topic here and I didn’t want to turn this post into an epic, especially since I haven’t written anything here for such a long time and there is so much to catch up on. I merely just thought to myself then, “if I wasn’t holding out hope that we would find ourselves together one day – would I even eventually want to move back to the city?”
There are so many more possibilities open when I let go of things – something I would never in a million years thought true. But then again, I didn’t really know what true letting go was until now.
Anyway, I will leave it there for now – now that I’ve broken the proverbial ice I can get into writing here again, hopefully.
All the best.