I don’t particularly know what to say. I’m oddly feeling lost for words; strange for someone with the ability to express myself through writing. I suppose I am still trying my best to process everything.
A brief overview of the last few weeks would go a little something like this.
Anxiety bad. Losing freedoms I’d worked so hard to gain. Health downhill. Fighting panic. Body unreliable. Tried medication which failed spectacularly. Back at parents. World shrunk to size of pea again. Boyfriend breaks things off. Want to curl up in ball and never emerge.
I had a bit of a breakthrough today in understanding it all but I am confused mostly by what happened between my boyfriend and I.
In a way I am relieved. I don’t have to worry about having to put on a brave face and just “get on with things” because he doesn’t really understand being sick, let alone mental illness. I can take as long as I like to get better, my employer has given me 3 months off no questions and I don’t have to get myself into a state wondering if I can drive to my boyfriends house or not.
The difficult part is knowing we both care about each other. He was honest and said he wasn’t ready for anything serious, was finding it all very difficult and apologised for “dragging” me into his life and then sending me away. I knew that I was being overly clingy because of the way I felt and losing myself a little too much in his life rather than focusing on my own (which desperately NEEDS to be tended to.)
The love is still there.
But sometimes love is not enough, sadly.
I have been sensing some distance that he had started putting between us for a while and my reaction to that was trying to put him at ease, reassuring him that I loved him and wanting him in my life.
When he told me last Thursday that he “needed to take a step back from everything” I understood straight away.
I’m not stupid.
When I spoke to him on the phone the next day he said he “braced himself for an argument” but was surprised and relieved when it didn’t turn out that way.
I’ve been in enough relationships now to know that there’s no point pushing against someone. If they made up their mind who am I to tell them it’s wrong?
The last guy I tried to convince that the anxiety “wasn’t me” and “just give me a chance to prove myself” ended up cheating on me anyway. Fuck going through all that again.
There were also a lot of things that bugged me during this most recent relationship anyway, and I’d often caught myself wondering if he was the right person for me.
Perhaps it’s just a case of right people, wrong time.
Or perhaps it’s just a case of physical attraction being mistaken for much more, just as my ex-boyfriend and I mistaking a good friendship connection for more.
My heart is so big and open sometimes that it gets carried away.
But I think I realise now that I need a man who can handle the amount of love that gets thrown his way, anxiety or none.
My new ex and I have still kept communication channels open, and have sexted each other as if the whole thing never happened. I wish I was the kind of person who could cut someone off and say “if you don’t want me then you can’t have me” but I am still attracted.
I think it will only become a problem if I remain fixated on him. Of course it is hard to just stop thinking about someone altogether, so it’s going to be normal to expect a bit of back and forth, but only time will tell if I may have to cut things off completely in order to focus on my own life.
Funny thing is I was so very happy just to have someone to express my physical needs with and nothing more. Maybe going back to simple is better.