Saturday night already – another week almost over.
This week was hard but it was essential. Essential for me to remember who I am and how to look after myself.
On Wednesday this week I push myself too hard at work, physically mostly, but I was also tired from the hellish weeks I’d had itching to buggery. When I woke up Thursday I could barely stand without feeling lightheaded and then when I tried to go into work on Friday with the same feelings I ended up with a few attacks of anxiety followed by me sitting in the car contemplating my day – and ending up turning myself around and going home.
That day was made even more stressful by the fact that for some reason my boyfriend got angry at me for not at least staying at work (just like my ex used to, funnily) and I thought to myself “how much more of this hellish crap do I have to go through?”
That was, until, I started to tap. Tapping is part of a technique called Emotional Freedom (EFT) which uses the meridians of Chinese medicine with changing thought patterns within the brain.
For example, if you say to yourself, “I’m worthy of love” but you get discomfort, or a part of you disagrees, then this technique encourages you to “tap” on that belief until it dissolves.
Anyway, this post is not about EFT but rather how I managed to pull myself out of the emotional slump I was in. Friday morning saw me crying on the couch at pretty much anything where as Friday night saw me cooking a proper dinner for myself and actively making myself feel good.
I realised a few things.
Firstly, I should have taken a rest after that whole draining itching experience. I was tired in all ways, but mostly fried mentally and emotionally. All it took was the physical eroding day at work and that was it – nothing to run myself on. I should have taken the time out to stop stressing, go and see my parents, or anything to nourish myself and then started the project at work.
Secondly, I cannot live off chips. I’m a vegetarian and as such I have to be very careful with making sure I get all the nutrients I need. When a body is under stress not only does it drain the body of the B Vitamins and Zinc but Vitamin C and E are also employed to neutralize the stress response. Electrolytes (Sodium, Potassium, Calcium and Magnesium) are also used. So guess what – if you haven’t been eating right there is no way in hell your body can cope with stress! Especially for someone who is prone to anxiety.
Thirdly, I tapped my way into loving myself. Every time I felt that intense wave of fear rush through my veins at the thought of “fucking everything up” and “scared of getting better because what if it all goes pear shaped again” I tapped saying “even though ______ I choose to love and accept myself.”
Fourthly, I realised I don’t have time for bullshit in my life. I’m going to be 30 soon and if I live to be the same age as my grandparents I’m going to live to be 90 or so. That’s 1/3 of my life already gone and most of it spent worrying if other people love and understand me. At first I was upset over the way my boyfriend reacted when I asked for help but then I just thought – fuck it. By the time we were finally talking I let him know that I need support and I have to be with someone who can offer that. Honestly, as much as I love this man, I’m not going to compromise. I have my parents who love and support me and I have a select group of individuals I can call upon for help if I need it – I don’t need negative reactions to who I am anymore.
More importantly, self-love HAS to come first. I think that’s just what “not giving a crap about what other people think” is… or at least that’s the only way to actually DO that. Love yourself first and then it won’t matter what anyone else says to you. I am a kind, generous, caring person who will always love others… perhaps a little too much… but now it’s time to turn that in on myself.
Anyway I must have done something right because although I woke today still feeling rather lightheaded and tired something was different.
When I did manage to work up the enthusiasm to go to the supermarket I was greeted with a lot of smiling faces. One particular employee smiled at me and said hello to me as if I was an old friend. When I brought something from another shop near by the woman behind the counter complimented my wallet.
I think it was because I wasn’t the reserved, quiet, head down person. I wasn’t extremely extroverted, in your face, but I did make eye contact with others and smile.
But I think the biggest difference was that I was finally smiling on the inside again. I remember who I am and I remember why I’m here.