Around 2:50pm this afternoon, after having just eaten some avocado sushi with my boyfriend sitting on his bed, I decided that I wanted to go home. For the first time since we started seeing each other I had reached my limit and wanted to be alone – my comfort out-did my affection.
I actually lied to him, saying that I needed to do things at home (like apply for the apartment I went to see yesterday), but really all I wanted to do was become a vegetable on my couch and not do a single thing.
It doesn’t have anything to do with what happened yesterday; rather that my sleep has been broken lately, I’ve been waking up feeling sluggish and I am finding myself drifting out in the regions of space rather than be present – which makes social interaction really difficult.
It also doesn’t help that when I’m with my boyfriend I don’t tend to eat as much.
A) I never know what my stomach is going to do so I have to be very picky with eating, and
B) my boyfriend doesn’t tend to eat much and in turn I don’t either.
Due to the decrease in energy my body is gets I start to get tired easily to conserve energy.
So, this leaves me in the wonderful land of social anxiety.
I think that my social anxiety has evolved from what I used to experience in the past. I don’t really get anxiety as much as I start to become agitated and stress out over a simple hello/conversation. It really does take a lot of energy to be social and on one of these days I cannot muster the strength.
When my boyfriend started talking about picking his son up, having to pick his sister up from a friend’s house, go back to his place (because of a recent divorce he lives in his family’s home) blah blah blah, on and on, I just thought “fuck I need to get out of this now” before getting the headache I eventually receive from pushing myself too hard.
And now I’m just sitting in my apartment with absolutely no idea what to do. Too tired to really do anything, not tired enough to pass out and sleep for 100 years.