Sometimes you don’t really know how far along your healing journey you actually are until you face something you’re scared to face.
This morning I had a doctors appointment at 9 am. I had made the appointment the week before – calling on Thursday afternoon unable to get in until Monday, but choosing to go in Tuesday morning instead.
When Monday rolled around I was becoming apprehensive, considering calling the doctors office to reschedule to Wednesday so that my boyfriend was available to help me if need be.
However I didn’t do it, deciding instead to wing it.
Later Monday evening I started to become anxious. Was I really going to try driving to the doctors, alone, at one of the busiest times of day in the city? Was I game enough to sit in the waiting room and go through with the appointment?
I messaged my ex boyfriend (now friend) and asked if he could perhaps go with me, for moral support. He responded with the fact that he had a meeting at exactly the same time I had my appointment and it was a meeting he had to attend.
At this point there was only one word for it.
A little later that night my boyfriend arrived to find his girlfriend putting her washing away and feeling quite aggressive. Long story short he let me vent about why I was concerned (he usually just tells me to “stop it”) and then, once I had everything out in the open, he said to me, “you will be fine – I know you will be.”
I woke this morning feeling somewhat calm but nervous at the same time; made obvious by the two trips I had to make to the bathroom.
By the time I was in the car my hands had that weird vibe to them as if they should be visibly shaking.
To my surprise the whole time I was driving not once did I get a rush of adrenaline. Those pings of panic that would usually show up at a time like this were non-existent.
The difference I spotted this time around was the fact that I was focusing on myself the whole time. Not in the way I used to – by over-analyzing every physical thing that was happening to me and what was going on around me – this time it was new territory.
The thought I kept running in my mind was, “this isn’t for them (everyone else in their cars on the road) this is for me – this is for my health, my wellbeing, and I deserve to be able to do this for myself.”
Don’t get me wrong it has taken a lot of work to get my inner self to agree with a statement like that but I’m proud to say that now I can say it without feeling dischord inside.
I guess the point of this story is the fact that I was able to go to the doctors alone. I was able to sit and wait, and I was able to handle the appointment like a pro, and weirdly enough without any ounce of panic or high level of anxiety.
When I drove back home and praised myself for how well I’d done I felt my eyes getting a little teary.
Strange I know, to get so emotional about something that a lot of people take for granted but there you go.