Sitting on the floor of my apartment next to my birds, eating candy and listening to Sex And The City through headphones and thinking about life.
My appointment with my acupuncturist on Friday was quite liberating. We talked about how confused I was about moving and also about the noise I was experiencing where I live.
I told her that it all made me think of when I was growing up and my brother – the fact that he seemed to be extremely inconsiderate of pretty much anyone else in the house while I tip-toed around. It is uncanny that living where I am at the moment mirrors the exact same situation, the same energy, as back then.
Then that got into me standing up for myself and a lack of belief that I deserve good things.
I felt as though when it came time for me to stand up for myself I didn’t have anything to draw upon. Almost like a computer trying to open a file but not having a program to run it on. Of course I can stand up for myself in my mind but that never has been able to translate to reality.
Consciously – or as we say in the appointments “logically” – I know I deserve to live in a place where I feel safe, comfortable and where I can get a good night’s rest. That I deserve good neighbours, people like myself, to talk to and to get along with. However I discovered there was a part of me that didn’t agree. A part of me that felt standing up for myself was wrong, being present was wrong, having what I felt I deserved wasn’t even there.
Interestingly, while I was reading May numerology from creativenumerology.wordpress.com this paragraph caught my eye:
This cycle responds to your expectations; not what you think you expect, but on a deeper level, what you feel is going to happen. When sudden or unexpected things occur this month, they are likely to be things that you did expect deep down but were unwilling to bring into consciousness, and shrugged them off instead. Or, you may be thinking very positively about change – but nothing changes. This shows that deep down you did not expect anything to change – and that mere ‘positive thinking’ is always outweighed by denied feelings.
In my case it is definitely ignoring feelings because I have been trying so hard lately to remain positive but when the noise came I couldn’t deny how strong my feelings became; how powerless I felt and how really, deep down, I didn’t believe I really deserved to stand up for myself. I thought that this was my reality, this was my “norm” which the numerology page also talks about:
Part of you, (your mind), is demanding to know why all this change is necessary, and that you should ‘pull yourself together’, snap out of it and get back to “normal”. But before you do shrug off that other part of you (emotion) as it tries to tell you what it needs in order to heal, be sure to notice how the past has made the present inevitable, and that your craving to get back to “normal” is actually a wish to get back to the past – which is full of the same old mistakes, habits and faulty ‘programming’ that led you to your present circumstances. It all comes to a head this month. That’s why issues you thought were over are now back in your life!
That’s the thing I really just sort of “got” by reading this page: there is no “normal” if you want to change. “Normal” is only defined by what you’ve experienced in the past. That’s why if you want to change you can’t be normal anymore. You can’t take “normal” with you which is why it is so hard for people with anxiety to change.
And that’s the thing to think about… was my expectation of living with other people that they would be noisy and inconsiderate? My brother, then where I lived at University, then moving in my a boyfriend, to again living with a boyfriend – all places where I experienced people not giving a shit about me, especially during times of me going through illness.
Is my past making my present inevitable?
It’s something to really think about.