I was visiting with my acupuncturist a few weeks ago and I was talking about something negative; and by that I mean complaining about heaven-knows-what in regard to my anxiety.
When I had done talking she turned to me (well, she was probably already looking at me) and said, “do you remember the first time you came to see me and I asked you what you’d really love to be able to do? You said, ‘go to a cafe and sit down to enjoy a cup of tea/cake’. Do you remember how happy you were when you finally did that?”
I can’t really remember the reason she brought that up, but I remembered that conversation just now in the shower.
For some reason it reminded me of when you ask a really young child if you could have anything in the world, what would you want? and a majority of them say, I dunno, a lolly pop, or a toy car, or for some pencils.
This whole situation I find myself in (also known as life) I think it’s made harder by the impossible standards I hold myself to and the huge goals I am unable to reach because of the small tasks I’m always side-stepping because they’re not “important” enough.
Why do people with anxiety (or depression) give themselves such a hard time over not being “normal”?
We say to ourselves, “well, to be a functioning, normal adult human thing I have to be able to do ‘this’, ‘this’ and ‘this'” knowing full well we’re setting ourselves up for defeat, which will just lead to more self-deprecating behaviour.
Anyway, ungrounded thoughts aside, I’ve had an up/down week.
This weekend was mostly spend in bed or on the couch; I don’t think they is anything wrong with that other than the fact that I wasn’t really “relaxing” from anything besides a very weird infection I got in the palate between my nose and mouth.
I’ve gained 8 kgs (17 pounds) which I am intensely terrified about but only because for my whole life I’ve weighted 50kg or there abouts so it’s not the fact that I’ve put on weight – it’s more how uncomfortable I feel being something different.
But I am not surprised. I’ve been stress eating/sad eating the a couple of weeks now – in the past I would have got away with it, but now that I’ve fixed all my digestive issues/stress cues I apparently can no longer do so!
Speaking of eating, I decided to bake some chocolate chip cookies last night and ended up with what ever the hell this is:
It turned out to taste a lot like fudge/taffy but I swear I was laughing my butt of for at least 10 minutes.
When my boyfriend called and asked, “what are you up to sexy?” I burst into laughter again.
I suppose I am looking forward to this week coming up because I’m not expecting anything super extravagant from myself. I’m just going to try to do what I can.