So it turns out I am so utterly terrible at being grateful. Actually, no, I shouldn’t say that. I can be grateful, but feeling grateful is another thing entirely.
As in, you can be grateful you have a roof over your head, clean water to drink, food, etc. but without the warm, fuzzy feeling you get inside are you really being grateful? Really?
Yesterday’s card (read about what I mean by “card” here) was all about giving and receiving among other things. Here’s the message:
Be grateful as much as possible today for what you have and remain positive. Blessings are all around you so be willing to open up to possibilities. Shine your light. Things will come to you in unexpected ways.
I suppose it all started out okay. I was still on a bit of a high from Monday’s vibes so I got out of bed, had some food, stretched out my body a bit and jumped in the shower. I fed myself lunch before my boyfriend picked me up to go and look at an item in a store; and then he took me fishing.
By the time we got down to the lake it was the afternoon and it was absolutely beautiful down by the water. I watched with keen interest as he set up the lines, baited the hooks, cast them out, all wonderfully done as if it was all second nature to him.
Then we sat in our chairs and just look in all the beauty. He had his eagle-eyes fixed on the lines and I sat in awe of all the trees in their different stages of autumn across the water.
Well, I say in awe because I know that’s what I wanted to be feeling – instead I felt very little.
I have an insane ability to become “ungrounded” – I can be physically somewhere but actually be miles away. I’ll see things but there will be no connection to it.
And that’s why I said that I’m terrible at being grateful.
My boyfriend, who is the last person you’d think was sensitive and could pick up on “vibes”, even turned to me and said, “you’re not enjoying this, are you?”
I definitely was. I wanted to experience this whole fishing thing with him, since it’s something he loves doing and I love nature, but he knows the “me” that is so intensely brimming with warm, fuzzy feelings that when I’m miles away or when I’m actually trying to fake it (and obviously I mean fake being happy, not the other thing!) he can sense it.
Perhaps I was just being too hard on myself – with the message being so positive and wanting me to remain “full of light” maybe I was trying too hard.
But I don’t think it’s too much to ask of myself to say grounded and actually connected to my heart.
Today I woke up completely out of it. 4, 6, and 7 am I was laying in bed wondering why I’d woken up before my alarm.
Eventually my alarm went off and I started to get ready for work, then had rather intense pains in my gut, to the point where I had to bend over and push my hand into my abdomen (for some reason it works!) that were coming every few minutes.
Normally if my body is acting up I ignore it and go to work anyway, but with the pain I couldn’t ignore it at all.
So I jumped back into bed with a hot water bottle and just tried to rest, even though that was a bust.
This all goes with the theme of today which is telling me to take a step back and detach from anything that is dragging me down and clear my energy. I’m not quite sure what is wrong but I have an appointment with my acupuncturist this afternoon so hopefully she can help me shed some light on the subject.
Traditionally between 3 – 5am is the time of the Lungs in Chinese Medicine which is all about letting go and boundaries so that ties in as well.
I guess the interesting thing about the message for today is “if something has happened/is bugging you it will soon pass” so maybe I don’t have to feel this way for much longer. Or, even if this feeling does stick around I have to remember that like every other time I’ve felt like this it does pass and I do get to feel warm and fuzzy inside again.
I guess that’s just the most frustrating thing about it. Knowing how good you really can feel and being separated from that is really very hard.