Today was another one of those days where I wonder what on earth I am actually doing… on Earth.
I was talking to my acupuncturist about my trip back home and how much I loved it because I know exactly who I am when I’m there.
I’m a daughter. I’m a woman. I’m a carer for my parents. I’m a cook. I’m a farmer. I’m a lover of animals. I’m a smiling bubble of energy. I’m a lover. I’m a driver.
When I’m back in my city I don’t know who I am, or more to the point, I don’t like who I am.
I’m someone who lives in an apartment. I’m a casual at an “in-between” job 5 years running. Some days I’m anxiety personified. I’m alone. I’m a girlfriend. I’m often unreliable. Sometimes I am part of my couch. I’m a mother to my two birds. I’m hardly a friend. I’m a bottomless pit for junk food.
At times I can be a painter and when I’m feeling really adventurous, I mean, really, REALLY crazy, I can become a musician.
Before I left home, out of the blue my mother asked me, “so where do you think you’re going to live? Are you going to stay where you are? Do you want to move back home?”
To tell you the truth there was a time there when I thought moving back home would have equated to a defeat. As in, “I can’t make it in the real world so I have to move back in with my parents.”
At the moment, however, it means something completely different.
Sort of like a “saved game” situation. Or, perhaps even a “new game” one.
Maybe I can evaluate things better there, make better choices. I could study without worrying about working. I could do anything there without worrying about working. I could focus on painting or music.
Wouldn’t have to worry about waking up every morning wondering if I will have a good day at work, or if I’ll have to struggle through it. If I’ll have to walk into my managers office and tell them for the upteenth time I’m not feeling well and have to go home.
It makes me feel bad and I am just sick. of. feeling. bad.
Maybe now is not the right time to be thinking about this anyway. After making the wonderful life choice of eating two gluten-free lamingtons and the rest of my coconut ice cream for an early dinner to try and counteract the horrible headache that seemed to come out of no where this afternoon, I’m not feeling my best.
But there is definitely a theme going on here. The fact that this is an on-going issue means that I have to come up with a solution soon or run the risk of falling into depression again.
There has to be something I can do.