Sunday night and my whole immediate family is under one roof. I don’t really recall the last time that happened.
I’ve spent the last few days at my parent’s farm to catch up with my mother who had recently come home from hospital (brain surgery) and spend some time at home knowing my brother would be down from Melbourne.
To be honest I also wanted to get away from my place – no matter what I do I always start to feel uneasy there the longer I stay. Being so close to neighbours is not something I’ll ever get used to, and I’m looking forward to finding the perfect place to move to soon.
I miss the farm, not just for the peace and serenity, but for the animals, the fresh air, the rain water and the physical activity.
i don’t get the same sort of blood pumping back where I live. The most I do is running up and down stairs and standing on my feet at work, or cleaning my apartment.
Here I spent an good hour and a bit removing a giant pile of rose bush cuttings from the backyard to the orchid via wheelbarrow. Nothing beats being out in the sun, pulling, pushing, getting dirty, feeling thirsty and seeing the work you do.
I also love just being able to open a door and walk down onto solid earth, often times with my bare feet and having my duck quackers walk beside me to go jump in her mini bath.
Today I sat outside under a tree for at least 2 hours, stretched out on the grass and looked up at the clouds. Quackers spotted an eagle so we both watched it circle in the sky for a while. After while my father came out and sat with me. Then my brother and his girl friend did the same after their nap.
It’s the kind of closeness I don’t get where I live, and it’s the kind of closeness I’m starting to crave.
The day drew to a close with all us kids painting out on the front verandah as the biting sun gave way to a cool breeze from the coast.
Earlier in the day, when I was grocery shopping with my father, I saw someone I had gone to school with. Immediately my anxiety was like, “eh, social situations… no thanks. Walk by as if you didn’t see them,” but I ignored it for once. It’s a lot easier not to feel uncomfortable, but I now realise that the reason I’m so alone these days is because I’ve listened to that anxious side of myself.
Besides it’s a lot simpler to say hello I the supermarket on my own terms, than to say I’m going to visit on the phone/social media and then not do it.
Isn’t it funny that a person who craves connection to others is also a person who gets the most anxiety from it?