I had a very weird thing happen to me yesterday afternoon. I was sitting on my lounge watching something on my computer (it was a youtube video of someone exploring places around the world) and all of a sudden I had a wave of nausea wash over me.
Sometimes I’m sort of used to feeling sick in my stomach, but this was full on ready to bring up my lunch sick. So I pretty much chucked my computer on the seat next to me, got up, took my shirt off and went to lay down.
I was so out of it that I drifted in and out of sleep. I eventually got out of bed about an hour later, still feeling a bit ill, but not so bad.
People usually have this happen to them for a reason, and most of the time it’s only once, maybe twice a year, but for me it can happen at any time without warning. This is why I have such a hard time trusting my own body. Don’t get me wrong, things have honestly gotten about 200x better over the years, but this is what keeps me holding on to the old way of doing things – old insecurities – even though I want to leave it all behind.
Those close to me say, “well you’re only sick, no big deal, it’ll be gone by night or tomorrow” but it has never really “gone” for me; and that, my friends, is what sticks in the back of my mind.
So I have called in sick again, well I did it the night before because I wasn’t going to risk going to work and then having to leave like last time. If my managers don’t like it then that’s fine, they honestly can’t hate it as much as I do.
On another note, I haven’t touched my tiger painting. I rented a little room/studio for $200 a week ($400 up front for a fortnight) so that I could go somewhere to focus on painting, but with my mother’s surgery and going to visit her every day since I haven’t had the drive or energy to go over there. I have 6 more days left before the fortnight runs out.
I’ve decided not to renew renting the room. At the moment of deciding to do so I was very excited and the joy of having my own space to create far outweighed the $200.
Now that my feet are back on the ground I see that I perhaps might have jumped into it too quickly. It might be alright if I was already established and making money off my craft but I’m not. I’ve barely finished one painting. It’s just not the right time.
I also realised that with the money I’m spending on rent per week, mixed in with the $200, I could actually rent a really nice two (or actually 3) bedroom place of my own. Then I could have one room dedicated to art, and perhaps even a spare room for my parents to stay in when they soon get back into visiting me.
Speaking of my parents, my mother’s operation went very well. The surgeon removed all of her tumour and she is recovering surprisingly quickly. It was difficult the first few days because she was on a medication for brain swelling that made her paranoid. Plus, because of the way they do brain surgery, both her eyes had swollen up so much she couldn’t see.
She wouldn’t drink water her first day out of surgery unless I got it out of the tap (she was scared the nurses were putting things in her drinks/food) and thought there were microphones in the room. It took me 20 minutes to convince her that the nurses outside her room weren’t coming in to take pictures of her, so that she would eat her dinner.
She thought all the people in the ICU were taking to destroy all the good work the surgeon had done to fix her.
I tell you what, I now have absolute respect and admiration for the people out there with loved ones who suffer from dementia or other mental illnesses along those lines. My mother is now pretty much back to normal (she still takes a little of the medication but her brain has calmed down a lot now) so I only had to live through that for a few days but my word, the strength one must have to deal with that every day – that they may or may not see the side of their family members/friends that they recognise – you, in my eyes, are the strongest people.
Mentally I’ve actually been feeling pretty good. The fact that I’ve been able to see my father and brother every day for the past 6 days has just made me feel so much more connected.
Anxiety has been bad because of the illness thing, but that’s to be expected.
Yesterday afternoon, before the bout of sickness, I was sitting on the couch after being dropped home by my family (after seeing my mother in hospital) and I felt quite good. I didn’t really know what to do with myself, but I felt okay.
Then I had a friend of mine send me a message about being “punched in the face over a can of coke” and my mood just dropped. It’s not the fact that my friend was hurt, although I was happy that he was okay, it was just a weird realisation that the friends I’ve chosen to have around me at this time aren’t fitting me anymore.
My boyfriend said to me, “you know you really deserve people that care about you as much as you do about them” a few months ago and I am inclined to believe him. The anxiety sort of made me believe that once you make friends, then that’s it. You’re stuck for life.
That’s not to say the friends I have now aren’t nice to me, of course they are, they are there for me, but I feel like there are some aspects I’ve outgrown about our friendships and I need to find some new ones that put there hearts out there as much as I do.
I may be a little exhausted about all this stuff with my mother and my father’s father, I could be blowing things out of whack, but I’ve ignored gut feelings before and it’s never been a good move.
This has been quite a long post, but there is a lot to get out of my head since I’ve missed so many days posting. There is still a lot going on in there but I’ll leave that all for another time.
Lots of Love.