Two days ago I woke up with a screaming headache and pain on the left side of my head and neck that resulted in a lot of feelings of nausea and discomfort. Thankfully after a phone call to my acupuncturist I was able to diminish the pain and nausea, and by the late afternoon I didn’t really feel any discomfort – in fact I felt pretty good.
But ever since that day everything has sort of been out of whack and I haven’t felt quite right.
This morning I woke up before my alarm went off, feeling tired but okay, and went about getting ready to go to work. Some days I do feel a little out of it, but most of the time I just have to power on through the morning and it wears off.
However this morning it was completely different. I had waves of nausea, felt hot and cold at the same time, could barely stay on my feet and only felt good when I was sitting down.
Since my job requires a lot of walking around, talking, being generally physically well, I knew that even if I did stay, and battled through the way I felt, it wouldn’t have been fair to my co-workers for me to just sit there all day.
I mean, I just had 2 full weeks off work because of the lack of shifts on offer – why couldn’t have this happened then? Why can’t my body have down time, or whatever the hell this is, when I have time to be doing nothing at home? I also could have spent time with a co-worker who’s also a friend and caught up.
I guess all of this is just cementing the fact that I need to find my own way when it comes to making a living. If I can’t rely on my body then this is the way things are going. At least with painting or music, it doesn’t matter if I feel the way that I do right now – I can still get out of bed, still sit, and still use my hands – I can still create.
So as you may, or may not, be able to tell I am rather cheesed off.
On the plus side, even though I felt the way I did I was able to keep my anxiety under control. Even through the nausea and feeling like I was going to fall over I was able to keep my head. In the past even the hint of not feeling 100% would have set the fight, flight or freeze off but I’m proud to say I kept a level head, even through the feelings of losing my lunch (well breakfast.) Most of all, at least I went to work. At least I tried.
However I did eventually get a wave of flight when I was doing my morning rounds that said, “if you don’t sit down I’m going to make you fall down” so I knew then that it was time to call it quits.
Most of all I feel bad.
This is not who I want to be.
I want to be a reliable employee.
I want to have all the energy in the world.
I want my body to behave itself.
I want to be healthy.
And I know that from time to time we all get sick, but for me it’s too often.
So now I’m home again, naturally.