It’s funny how you can go from praising someones name one minute, to being totally blindsided the next.
I think I may be getting a little ahead of myself here…
Recently I’ve had 2 weeks off work. Not by choice, mind you, there just weren’t any shifts offered. Because of this I fell into a bit of a slump, or in other words, became rather depressed.
I don’t care who you are, a person needs something to do. Even if you had all the money you ever wanted, had traveled the world, done everything on your “bucket list”, you’d still need something to occupy your mind with. I suppose that’s why they say ‘money can’t buy you happiness.’
So, since I didn’t have anything else to do, my energy didn’t flow, I lost passion, I wasn’t even happy with my romantic partner around, it was all getting pretty cold and emotionless.
Then my anxiety started to kick in, and I had trouble doing some things that I normally wouldn’t have trouble with.
I wanted something to make a choice for me. Someone to take me out to dinner because I wasn’t eating very well on my own. Someone to make the choice of what I should focus on – music, art, study? Someone to bring my passion back. You get the picture.
So I decided to get away from it all. I was also waiting for someone to take me on a holiday too, but I could have died from old age waiting for that.
I went to visit my parents for a couple of days which was both good and not so good. I enjoyed getting away from everything, seeing my duck (I brought her one of those kids sandpits and filled it up with water so her and her baby have somewhere to swim), and being out and about with people I really care about. The not so good part was the fact that my mother’s health has been a bit of a mystery for a month or so now.
Anyway, I came home feeling rather renewed. I went out with my best friend to a show, and then got excited to see my romantic partner…
…but he never showed up.
To cut a long story short there was a lot of talk about the fact that I only see him every once in a while, between work, his son and other things he has to do, it’s not really fair on me that I see him for 2-3 hours every so often.
I got very sad, as in crying for at least an hour sad. I’m not entirely sure if it was all to do with that conversation, and the fear of losing him, or if it was everything I had been holding back.
I got a reassuring message later in the night telling me he wasn’t going to give up on me, but it didn’t make me feel any better.
The only thing that did make me feel better was telling myself that I was here for me. I know that sounds weird, but the older I get the more I see that people are fickle. You can give them everything you are and they can still turn around and tell you it’s not enough.
The person that’s always going to be there for you, is you. I don’t mean that in a negative way at all – I will accept support and help from others, not a problem – but at the end of the day it’s you and you.
The point of all this rambling this morning is that it became obvious to me that I am yet again giving my power away to others. I mean, how dare someone else tell me what’s best for me?
And yet there I was, even at the start of this week wishing someone would take the reins of my life and finding that when that happens I end up with shit like this happening.
Funny side note; I had a dream about all my exes last night who I had loved with all my heart but had broken it. Isn’t it funny how that happens? Perhaps that’s why I cried as much as I did (and I didn’t even lose the guy this time).
At the start of this I said how much I was praising a name, and that was my romantic partner – I had told many people just how happy I am with him, how he’s the best thing to happen to me for a long time, and even told him.
In the past I probably would have closed off completely after something like this. Hurt can do that to you, but I’ve decided not to this time. I mean, if you want to end something wonderful because you’re unhappy with something then so be it, but don’t bring me into it. Don’t speak for me.
I am happy.
Either way I am still raring to get my shit together.