Anxiety · Happiness · Health · Personal

Where’s My Freedom?

So tomorrow I have a job interview.

I know that my body is going to do it’s usual weird thing that it does in this type of situation, but that’s 99% normal. Everyone gets at least a little nervous in these cases.

In a way this job isn’t a “big deal” – it’s a part-time receptionist roll for a small health-related business – but in other ways it is.

A chance to be able to earn a regular weekly salary, whatever that may be, gain some new experience somewhere, still keep a good work/life balance, not be physically and mentally drained at the end of the day… oh, and being about to wear some nice clothes to work rather than a uniform…

Where I am working now was only supposed to be an “in between” job, but 5 years and 3 job interviews later I am still there, still a casual, and still feeling a little under appreciated.

To be honest the prospect of another job scares me a little. A part of me wants to continue on with the freedom that my current casual job affords me.

I don’t have to get a doctors certificate if I’m sick, I get to spend a lot of time at home doing what I want, I can do things at a drop of a hat, and it is a well paying position too…

…but there are far more things it doesn’t.

Feeling a part of something, for one, which I think (from extensive experience) is important for everyone especially those having a hard time with depression or anxiety. As soon as I went from a rostered position back to casual I noticed it straight away. No longer in the loop.

It also takes away certain aspects of freedom. For example, two people who I’m close to just brought new cars. I’m not talking “new” new, but an upgrade shall I put it. All they had to do was phone ahead for a loan and bam, they are driving around in new (secondhand but lovely) wheels. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my 1999 car, it’s reliable and gets me from A to B, but I realised that if I wanted to do that myself I couldn’t. It wasn’t the cars by any means but the freedom I realised was missing.

No more did it hit home to me when earlier this year I had my heart set on moving (to get away from my super noisy neighbour) only to realise that it would be difficult to be accepted for a rental. No regular income and with my parents no longer working (they have gone on the lease with me in previous years) it didn’t leave me with much choice but to stay where I am.

As a addition from the unstructured life I’ve been living, I also find it hard to stick to goals so my creativity wanes. I thought to myself, “even though I deserve to move and find a nicer place to live, what’s the point when I’ll just drag all this shit with me?” It seems as though my creativity needs rush, movement, the feeling as though sometimes there aren’t enough hours in the day – without flow we just stagnate.

Then it hit me that although my current job was letting me do whatever I wanted with my time, it was actually forcing me into self-bondage. It seems as though I finally get the 8 of swords card.

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The more traditional card tells the story of a woman who is tied up and blindfolded with 8 swords, but you’ll notice that she is tied up loosely – as if the ropes could just slide off if she tried a little. She wears the blindfold so she can be blind to her situation – so she doesn’t have to take responsibility – but you’ll notice that there is no one else on the card with her. There is no captor watching, she’s out in the open, and the swords pose no threat (unless she wanders into them of course, but if she didn’t have the blindfold that wouldn’t happen!)

Sometimes not to change is more comfortable, but it doesn’t mean you’re free.

I love the picture on the dragon tarot, which I myself have. The message is SUPER obvious. This woman is barely chained up, she even has the use of her hands! It seems as though she is captive in a castle/tower, but there are no bars on her window. Again, there are 8 swords present but they pose no real danger. You can see this woman pleading to the dragon for help but the dragon waits patiently on the other side, because it can see she is in a self-made prison. All she has to do is climb out the window, being careful not to scrape her head on the swords, and the dragon will help.

Sometimes the prison is not as obvious as you think. For weeks I’ve been getting the “work/life balance” card and I would think to myself, “but I have a great work/home life balance” not knowing that perhaps it was hinting that more WORK was needed.

To be fair on myself my health track record (including mental health here) doesn’t necessarily make me feel super confident I won’t let people down, but on the flip side of that having the structure and the responsibility to be somewhere each day helps one to stay focused on keeping yourself well.

That’s why the possibility of this new job is important to me.

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