For the first time in a long time I didn’t go to work today because of depression.
I woke up when my alarm went off at 7am, but I immediately told my supervisor I wasn’t going to come in and went back to sleep.
And of course this made me feel guilty – I could have gone to work, and it probably would have given me a sense of purpose for those 7 hours – and in the past that guilt would have gotten to me.
But there’s no point in wasting a day to guilt.
Yes, from time to time I do get depression. Sometimes I’ll fight through it and turn up where ever I need to be, and sometimes fighting just doesn’t seem like a viable option and today was one of those days.
So I knew that a sense of purpose was going to be my saviour. Nothing knocks depression on the head quite like it.
When I sat on the couch and looked out the window I thought to myself, well, it has been raining a lot lately, and I can’t remember the last time I went out into sunlight – perhaps I am low in vitamin D?
I pulled off my “lazy day” clothes and put on some comfortable walking clothes, convincing myself that a walk would do me good.
And it actually did. It took my mind off thinking about nothing, and I learned that many people in my neighbourhood own swimming pools. It felt good to be in the sunlight, even if it is summer and while I was walking around I felt a renewed drive to paint again.
So, when I got home I jumped right into my little art space and began work on my tiger. I was hard because I wasn’t feeling completely passionate about it, but painting is the only time when I’m focused enough on one thing that nothing else can get into my mind… with the exception of playing music.
After awhile my legs got sore and stiff, so I had to break for lunch.
While I was eating lunch I though to myself, it would probably be easier to paint standing up rather than sitting on the floor.
I looked around my apartment for something that I might be able to use as a pedestal, and then it hit me – the roller I use for the bird’s cage. I tested the height and, yes! It would work perfectly.
When I’d managed to sort all that out I decided to jump on my computer and have a look at what the rental market had to offer – turns out, nothing. Oh well, when it’s the right time and the right place, I’ll know.
Then, I clicked over to the job pages to see what was going. A couple of them caught my eye, two in particular. Both working for, what sounded like, lovely local businesses and oddly enough both to do with health. Eventually, though, one seemed to stand out more to me (also, less qualifications were needed for it – and I didn’t have the right ones for the other) and then I spend the rest of the afternoon buried in writing a cover letter and updating my resume.
At a couple of minutes past 6pm I hit “send” and so I suppose the rest isn’t up to me. At least I gave it another go though. You fall down seven times, you get up eight, right?
The point of this day seems to be that my mind is finally grasping the idea that if something’s not working the way you’ve always done it, then perhaps it’s just a simple change that’s needed to make it work. It stood out a lot to be in regard to painting. Why was I putting up with sitting on the floor and letting my knees go through hell when I could simply stand up and paint?
That’s also how I feel about moving at the moment – what’s the point in going somewhere else to feel empty? Sure, my neighbours can be annoying, but everyone, everywhere can be annoying. What matters right now is getting my shit together so that I can live the way I want/deserve to live.
I also watched a couple of TedX videos that changed my perception on a few things and another video on my FaceBook timeline about being a craftsperson/artist and charging for what you think your day is worth.
In that moment I thought, well, what am I worth? Not just in regard to art but everything. Not what anyone else thinks I’m worth, but what I think without comparison to anyone elses life.
And I made the realisation that I am worth everything.