It’s Wednesday afternoon and I’m sitting in my bedroom, at my desk, staring at my computer screen wondering what in the world to do with myself.
My blood pressure has dropped just low enough for me not to be able to concentrate on anything for more than 10 seconds, but not so low that I can get away with having a nap.
I tell you it’s hard work right now for me to type any of this out but I’m doing my best.
This morning I woke up next to the man I am seeing. As per usual, though, he had to leave a little while after we got up.
Not entirely sure how or why I got hooked up with one of the busiest men alive, but I suppose I have to remember that neither of us expected to fall in love with one another.
I also have to remember that since losing my contracted position at work I’m back to having a lot of free time on my hands; a lot of free time I could spend constructively or to poke holes in things that don’t need to be prodded.
At times like this, times when it’s me left alone with my own thoughts, I have to admit it is hard not to.
Right now I wish I could be painting or drawing, or researching, or any of that fun stuff but what my mind has decided to do is focus on the fact that out of the half a year me and this bloke have been seeing each other, we’ve only managed to spend perhaps 2 or 3 days together with no interruptions and no sneaking off to do other things.
I mean if I was looking for an actual relationship then I would honestly be rather pissed off at that fact – who the hell wouldn’t? However, I’m not looking to settle down; I only just got out of a serious relationship at the beginning of this year and I don’t want to get involved so soon.
What I need to be focusing all of my attention on is who I want to be.
Where do I want to be in 3 months, 6 months, a years time?
What do I want to be doing?
Do I want to move or stay here?
What’s going to be important to me?
Because I know that the second I give up thinking about all the negative stuff I’ll start to remember the positive – like the fact that whenever he gets a spare moment he makes sure to let me know he’s thinking of me or the fact that he has turned up at my door numerous times just to surprise me (even when he’s supposed to be doing something else important at that moment.)
It’s sometimes ridiculous how far out of context your mind will take you JUST so you’ll feel validated in the way you feel.