I’ve been off Zoloft now for about 2 and a half weeks (honestly feels like about 3 years because I have no concept of time at the moment) and I’m doing quite well…
Anxiety wise, things are pretty good. I am still able to be pretty “normal” and by that I mean the panic/anxiety attacks are not coming back, so I’m able to function the same way I have been for the past year.
The thing I’m actually having trouble with is the onslaught of feelings I’m now faced with.
When you’re on an anxiety/depression medication that works for you, it sort of levels you out. You don’t have lows and you don’t have highs… you just are. That’s not to say you become comatose or anything, but everything that was overwhelming just becomes a little easier to deal with.
Right now, without this leveling out, I feel like a character by the name of Elliot from the movie Bedazzled. He uses one of his wishes to become the most emotional person in the world to win the heart of his crush, and here he is being overwhelmed by a glorious sunset:
Everything is setting me off.
Just like our friend Elliot I too am now faced with the possibility of tears around every corner.
I honestly had forgot what it was to feel as much as I used to. It’s sort of eye-opening in a way. No wonder I was having such a hard time trying to cope with an anxiety disorder when the mere sight of a fluffy animal sends me on an emotional roller coaster.
Going on Zoloft was a break I needed. It was a break from living so intensely – a break in which I was able to take a deep breath and face my issues without being dragged far down into emotionland.
I have had moments where I thought it would be easier to just pop myself back on the medication but I know it’s time to learn how to be emotional.
I know our society often looks on being emotional, openhearted, teary-eyed and vulnerable as weak but hey, fuck society huh?
If I’m supposed to embrace who I am, then being a big cry baby is the badge I’ll learn to proudly wear. If I have to cry at every sunset I ever see, then so be it.