Ever since I was quite young performance, and being judged for performing, has been a part of my life. I absolutely loved to get in front of people and play music or act, however once I started to realise that people actually rated you for doing so I found that love slowly slip away.
The more I performed, the more I was judged, the more likely it became possible for me to get bad marks, the less I wanted to do it until getting up on stage literally had me in a panic, begging my mother to take me home. I stopped trying in school too, especially once I hit high school, because there was too much competition and I couldn’t handle the stress.
I guess that’s why I haven’t wanted to share my creative side for such a long time.
This is also why, if I have an interview for a job, and don’t get the job, I never contact the person/people back and ask what I could do better.
Today I broke my rule.
My manager wanted to talk to me about my recent interview, and about the fact that I didn’t manage to land any of the available positions at my work.
To tell you the truth I was having a pretty awesome day and I didn’t really want to have the meeting – I didn’t want to bring my mood down.
However, I found the feedback to be very constructive.
It reiterated something that I have a tendency to do, and that’s to think that other people are in my head so I don’t bother to go into detail. Of course, they aren’t, but I don’t know that do I?!
I guess that’s why I like writing so much. An endless stream of letters to hopefully explain to the world what is going on in my mind… and why I find lyrics so difficult to write. I admire songwriters who can take a complex idea/subject and condense it down to a couple of verses and a hook – and still have it convey it as if you were reading a novel.
It took a long time to face my fears of being judged, and I suppose I’m still getting there, but I’m finding it a lot easier these days to not take everything as a stab in the heart every time something’s not perfect.
I realise now that there’s always a chance to change. There’s always tomorrow to right wrongs, to turn things around, to face fears and to make the most of life.