This is sort of a carry on from my previous post, but I find myself less and less willing to live a life I don’t wish to.
Regardless of the fact that I love the people I work with, the pay that keeps me feeling somewhat comfortable, the friendships I’ve made, the interesting people I meet and the excellent work/life balance I have… I just really can’t do this anymore.
I know happiness is what you make it, but after getting a good sense of what being passionate feels like over the last few months I realise that no amount of money or good people will make me enjoy myself. Living a life lacking of passion is not living for me.
Problem is, with all this lack of passion, I am losing sight of what I’m actually passionate about. I love painting, drawing, singing, writing music, cooking, sleeping, writing, dancing, but none of them have the drive behind them to be considered passion.
My ex said to me, “if I had the kind of talent you do, I wouldn’t be hiding it – I would be out there doing everything I could.”
Well, talent is nothing without passion, my good man.
I read (or possibly even heard) someone say once that often the things we are the most passionate about are the things that bring on the most fear in our lives – because we over-think it, we criticise ourselves, we expect perfection in it.
That only made sense to be when I realised that anxiety made me feel alive – it made me feel here, present, excited, and yes, passionate. When are you most passionate about something? When something goes wrong, when your heart is pumping, when you win…
…and the times I was most passionate about ridding myself of anxiety was when I actually experienced it.
It’s sort of as if I lost someone I was in love with – there’s some kind of hole in my heart that I really need closed. I need passion to come back into my life and never leave.
How to find balance, I guess, is the difficult thing…