Personal

Along For The Ride

A month. A whole month I’ve been silent for. Doesn’t even feel like a month. Feels like maybe a week or so.

I don’t really have an excuse for not writing here. It’s not because my anxiety is under complete control and I have nothing left to say on the matter. It’s also not because I’ve been super busy and haven’t had the time to say anything.

Currently I have a cold. My acupuncturist tells me it’s my body’s way of telling me to look after my emotional self, while my mind is frustrated there is another setback in the way. The cold has done nothing besides give me a spaced out head and a blocked up nose (with some sneezing thrown in for good measure) so I am inclined to believe her.

In two days time I have the opportunity to make my casual position an on-going one. It will mean a lot less stress on my part, having a consistent pay check, however I’ve come to realise very recently that I don’t wish to do this job anymore. The environment is wonderful, the people I work with are fantastic, the pay is great and I have an excellent work-life balance – but it’s just not doing it for me anymore.

However, I know that if it’s meant to be then it will be – if not then I’ll just follow my nose to something else.

My romantic interest is still around, being very nice and very sexy, but I’m starting to hate the fact that I am putting things off just to be around him. Just the other day he was going to come around in the afternoon but things kept on getting in his way. I knew none of it was his fault and that he would try his best to keep his word, but it got on my nerves. When I know something is going to happen it’s as if I have to sit and mentally prepare for it – I can’t just get stuck into a project – my mind is occupied.

It’s me. I don’t blame him at all.

Long story short I don’t wish to be anyone but the part of me I saw two weeks ago. Happy, full of joy and warmth, seeing the bright side in everything. Now I’m relatively grumpy most of the time; uncertain if it is because of the head cold or I am using the head cold as an excuse to be grumpy.

I should be taking more responsibility for my mood but I’m just having one of those months where I’m just along for the ride. I’m sure things will be back to normal soon enough.

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