As I lay in the arms of a man last night (fully clothed, mind you) I realised that life didn’t have to be complicated. I gently ran my fingers over his tattoo and asked, “why an arrow?”
He said, “because arrows can only move forward.”
♦ ♦ ♦
I’m having one of those crystallising moments this morning. One of those moments where I realise that the way I’ve been handling my life for the past 22 years or so is outdated.
That moment when I realise that all of my priorities are out of whack. My attitudes, autopilot reactions, and personalities I’ve adopted for myself in no way represent who I really am.
That my mind, my racing, 100 miles a minute mind, can so easily convince me that mundane, silly little things are huge mountains.
That in order to feel secure I need to be okay with being vulnerable.
That moment where I take stock of everything I’ve taught myself to be afraid of and just say, “why?”
All of the past baggage I’ve unknowingly dragged with me to the 28th year of my life. All of that baggage that does absolutely nothing but slow me down, keep me from moving forward, keeps me focused on the wrong things and makes me anxious about all the right things.
This morning I woke calmer than I have in a long time. My mind was quiet.
But I was tired. Nay, exhausted.
I got ready for work and jumped into my car only to realise that I was so far detached from reality that I just couldn’t face it. However, I had promised a coworker that I would pick them up so I had to do my best.
After I picked her up that’s when the waves of anxiety started. The waves became swells soon enough, and then the panic started. Not the way I would have experienced it in the past, because I know now that it’s just energy. However I knew that driving to work was going to be too much so I eventually just dropped her off at the bus stop and came home.
Why, if I was so calm and my brain was so quiet, would I react this way?
Why this intense fear that the past was now going to repeat itself?
Well that ties into what I came to realise as I sat on my couch with a hot cup of tea 40 minutes ago.
The past can only repeat itself if I let it do so.
I could continue to get all caught up in the wrong things and neglected my body, mind and soul. Mole hills will become mountains. Little annoyances will blow out to be big deals.
Or, I could start to be incredibly kind. No longer put myself down. No longer be angry, frustrated or mad at myself.
As my coworker friend got out of my car at the bus stop and I told her this was all so stupid she said, “I spent all day in bed yesterday, unable to get up, unable to do much… do you think I’m stupid?”
She made an incredible point.
I think it’s time to point my arrow forward too.