Life So Calm You Could Skim Rocks Off It

12 days since my last post.

5 days since, for some unknown reason, I became “can’t feel anything” depressed.

1 day since I managed to snap myself out of the zombified sense that I am not in control of people pulling me every which way.

Things have been, well, a little confusing for me. I’m a little embarrassed that I allow myself to become wrapped up in drama – I mean I know we all do it but the embarrassing part is knowing I could have easily stopped feeling the way I was, but I didn’t.

Perhaps I missed the drama?

Who knows.

The problem with having such an overactive imagination is that I can talk myself into feeling things that I probably don’t – making something seem like Nirvana when in reality it’s not. What’s the saying? “Putting it on a pedestal.”

I suppose the depression was good in a way; it gave me a break from feeling things so intensely that I could look at situations objectively.

Why, for example, I was so attracted to a person that logically would be the absolute worse match for my needs was beyond me – it was doing my head in a little bit. I continued to play along until, while in a state of exhaustion and lack of emotions, I realised that he was just a young male pretending to be a man.

Sure, he is open, honest, caring, very friendly and warm to others, protective, great sense of humour and a great laugh (always sucks me right in those smiles and laughs) – but when it comes down to the things that are really important to me, I know he wouldn’t be able to satisfy them.

I need a man who can tick my physical, emotional and mental boxes. I’ve discovered that, recently. Have one, or even just two, doesn’t cut it.

It’s not really a question of being picky – having these boundaries firmly placed in my mind is actually quite liberating. If my emotions get ahead of me I can always pull them in with logic.

If I feel the need to continue anything with this male, I know that it’s just to keep each other company – the learn from each other, to explore new things, to feel new things.

That’s only one of the examples I have been wrestling with lately. I won’t go into them now, but things have just been totally full on for me.

The funny thing is, my life is so calm you could skim rocks off it.

It’s my mind that has been running a mile a minute.


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